Mum with Alzheimers & controlling partner

[ruddygreattiger]

Hi guys, I'm at a loss what to do really.
My mum was diagnosed almost 2 years ago and at the time had been with her partner for around 30yrs.
He has always been hard work during their relationship and my side of the family have always wondered how or why she put up with it, but now she is in need of constant care he is there to sort everything out and take over almost everything. In respect of looking after her and making sure she gets to activities etc, he is great, but his controlling behaviour is now rather extreme and is making us really uncomfortable. I am currently away on holiday with my mum and her partner as he wanted an extra pair of hands to look after her in an unfamiliar country, which is fair enough and I am enjoying spending quality time with my mum.
However when it comes to food he is obsessively healthy, and if I suggest something like pizza mum will agree - he will then make a comment and pull a face and suggest something else, knowing very well she will give in and agree.
He doesn't seem to allow her to hold any opinions and dismisses them with an 'I know best' pat on the hand and carries on doing exactly what he wants.
He will also expect her to pay for bits and pieces throughout the day, and as handling money just confuses her he just opens her bag and takes her purse.
Maybe I am wrong but his attitude seems overly controlling.
I work full time and have a teenage daughter but am contemplating offering for her to move in with us (we have a spare room) but realistically don't know where to begin.
Her partner and I both have powers of attorney for the health and financial aspects for my mum, but as he lives with her he won't give me any account numbers so I can check she is only paying what she should towards bills, and he has moved all her accounts to what he thought was a better investment account. I have asked him for clarity on this but he says I would only get that if she became totally unable to function.
They are not married, but have been together a long time and jointly own their house 50/50 with no mortgage.

Sorry for the ramble!

That is extremely difficult and I honestly don't know how you would deal with it.

Maybe ask @MnHQ to move this over to the Elderly Parents section. It's a a bit busier in there and you may get some more responses

Thanks Siouxsie, I'll try there instead xx

@ruddygreattiger how is the PoA set up, can one of the attorneys make decisions without the other?
Do you know which bank/s she uses? Would you be able to check with them as PoA?
Have you asked him why you'd only get the account numbers if your Mum were to lose capacity, yet he is entitled to see them?

I'm pretty sure there's a governing body you can refer to, if you feel the attorney isn't handling the finances correctly.

I'm at the start of the journey with my DM being assessed (unbeknownst to her) for dementia. So there will be far wiser people posting than I, but I didn't want to read and run, especially as I too have teenagers so have a little bit of insight as to the impact that this awful thing has on them.

I think in your shoes I'd be asking myself is Mum happy? Can she see the control and is it troubling her, or is she unaware and quite content in herself?

We live nearby my DM, but a few years ago did a conversion of an outbuilding for her to stay in. She used it for the first time last week. Now as I say she's early stages, and she wasn't sharing our house, but it was utterly exhausting. I barely saw the kids because she sees me as her safe place so wanted me to chat each time I popped In, as she was lonely or confused about where she'd placed something. I also hadn't realised that she needed so little sleep (the earliest I left was 1am) Being out of routine made her almost toddler like too so I had to suggest little jobs to keep her busy etc - basically even at this stage it was pretty full on.

It might well be that you end up having your DM living with you for a while at some point, but I'd suggest taking your time. If you do it too soon then you'll burn yourself out, and it sadly will impact your DC no matter how much you aim for it not to. Obviously if you feel that DM is unhappy then that's completely different, but what I'm learning rapidly is that this isn't about what I think, it's about how she feels. Very best of luck to you.

I would tell him that you are concerned about her ability to make decisions so as an equal POA you are arranging for an assessment. You will be seeking full access to all her financial and medical info. Any attempt to block this will be seen as controlling and potentially illegal behaviour and you will therefore have to contact the relevant authorities. YOU HAVE POA. He can't evade or obstruct you. Stop pussy pussyfooting around. Go in hard.

Unfortunately a personal with a controlling personality will take over more and more as their victim loses capacity.
I think if it was me I wouldn't challenge him head on at all I would go behind him underneath him etc to get the information I wanted and not let him know I had it.
If you challenge him head on he will feel threatened and he will, up his game i.e become more thorough in his controlling behavior. If he doesn't know the extent to which you know what he's up to then it will be easier to get the upper hand...imo

Think king and hard about wether moving your mum
In with you is the right thing to do. So you have the time, the space and the facilities to be able to care for her. Sadly this will only get worse. And caring for anyone with dementia is exhausting and brings people to breaking point.

Think long and hard. That should say.

Thank-you so much for all the points and advice. I have joint POA for finances and health/welfare but his opinion is as he lives with her he naturally has to have access to pay household bills, that is totally understandable. When he started talking about POA I said I would want statements for her accounts to check that her bills were being paid and she wasn't paying anything that she shouldn't, that's when he just blustered, puffed and got all offended bit said he wasn't out to rip her off and I didn't need access to anything.
Mum has a lot of cash in the bank and he has always been a real tightarse but tried to nag and bully her into spending on stuff she doesn't want, a camper van and a foreign holiday home being 2 examples. Thankfully she didn't do either in the end.

He has always been controlling but my mum was such a strong personality she would stop him in his tracks, but now she just hands over her purse whenever they want anything. Thing is, I don't live with them 24/7 so have no way of knowing exactly how bad this is.
I think I may do some digging in my own and contact banks myself before I do anything, as a pp said he may just increase his controlling shit.

I don't really have the time to look after mum myself 24/7 because I have to work full time but I have a spare room or can even convert the garage into a safe space for her, realistically though I know this is going to only work for a short time until she deteriorates even further.

Thank you again everyone for all the advice, I really feel lost with all this. Xxx

I would usually start from the point that your Mum chose him as a partner and it would be right to assume that in general she would rather be with him.

But yes I would also say that you do have POA and she gave that to you. Persistently asking for information fits entirely with that.

Just because OP''s Mum chose him as a partner doesn't mean OP cannot have reservations about his behaviour.
For all we know, it may not have been a totally happy relationship but OP's Mum stayed for whatever reason.

OP's Mum is vulnerable now and hasn't the capacity to stand up to him as she once did.

He has always been controlling but my mum was such a strong personality she would stop him in his tracks, but now she just hands over her purse whenever they want anything.

OP you have the right as PoA to be in possession of the info about your Mum's finances, don't let him control you too.

I have joint POA for finances and health/welfare How are the decisions to be made, “jointly” or “jointly and severally”? I presume the latter else he wouldn’t be able to act without you.

If you’re not getting any joy out of him, take the PoA document to the bank or building society along with id for yourself, get yourself on their books as attorney, and get the information that way.

If you haven’t got the PoA document, try her solicitor and, failing that, the Office of Public Guardian.

That's the tragic thing, she wanted to leave him years ago and I offered to have her live with me, for whatever reasons she couldn't pluck up the courage and the rest is history.

Yes on this holiday he has tried maniputing me too and I put a stop to it straight away, cue him having a tantrum and accusing me of being difficult. If anything has rung alarm bells with me is his behaviour over the past week has just cemented my previous thoughts.

Don’t know if this is possible
can you do a credit check on her and contact all the relevant companies with copies of your POA asking for statements

Thank you for the advice, yes I do have the POA I was sent and a pin code?
I'll be going through the paperwork very carefully this weekend with a view to starting digging next week.
I know who her 2 bank accounts are with but don't have her account numbers, will that make it difficult?
If not then I can go to one of the banks as it's a high street one, the other is NSI (I think).

Thank you so much ladies xxx

I could try Experian? That would be great if they would allow me access. Thank you

I know who her 2 bank accounts are with but don't have her account numbers, will that make it difficult? No, not in the slightest, in my experience. You could just ask for all her accounts. expecting to find just the two, but who knows?

No experience with pin code (Dad's PoA dates from way before those) but in theory that means you can do the whole lot over the phone. Do the one you can visit first as it's easier dealing with a human, and that'll give you the confidence for NSI.

Thank you. That's a good point you made about the number of accounts she has, he has told me there's only 2 but if he is being this cagey there may be other accounts he doesn't want me knowing about.

I'd much prefer to deal with this face to face so will definitely tackle the high street bank first.

I'm sure the original poa paperwork I signed was ticked with all decisions have to be made jointly but so far he is calling all the shots. That's something else I'll be double checking this weekend.

Thanks again for everyone's advice xxx