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Elderly parents

Just overwhelmed at the moment

20 replies

Sudename · 17/06/2023 15:47

Hello
I lurk normally but am looking for a hand hold and/ or advice .
The back story is I am Irish living in Ireland and for the past three and a half years having been caring for my elderly widowed mam with the help of my sister.
We have a home care package, initially mam was resistant to it but agreed.
She has cognitive decline and many health issues. She has spent the past four months in and out of hospital and her mobility is now really limited. She weighs just over five stone so really tiny and frail.
Mam is very stubborn and believes she knows best. Because of cognitive issues with her short term memory, she forgets to eat and needs to be prompted to eat. A lot of the time she won't eat and will tell her home helps that either she has eaten it that her girls will be along to cook for her.
My sister and I do everything ie prepare food, shopping, housekeeping, bill paying, taking her for hospital and gp visits etc.
Over the past six months she has become increasingly withdrawn and nothing interests her except watching the same old TV channels day in and day out. She has also taken to staying in bed all day and not getting dressed.
She is due to be discharged from this hospital stay on Monday. The hosptial staff believe she would be better served in a nursing home as she is now a fall risk. She is refusing. She was assessed recently and passed the tests so has consent. Our argument is that her short term memory is shot in that she can't remember the day, time, who visited her and if and what she has eaten.
The hosptial suggested mam go for some respite so that we could take a break before she comes home but she is refusing. Mam will need someone to stay overnight with her as she is a fall risk. We have no idea how we are going to manage this as there is just two of us and we work and have out own lives. For the record the week before her last hosptial admission I stayed overnight with her for a week, sleeping on the couch and nearly went out of my mind between the lack of sleep and having to get up with her twice a night to go to the bathroom.
We have pointed this out to the hosptial but they want her out as they need the bed and there isn't more they can do for her.
Thanks for reading this. It was great to just write it out and vent.

OP posts:
Knotaknitter · 17/06/2023 16:10

I'm sorry that I have nothing to offer but my sympathy as I'm in England and the home from hospital set up will be different over here. You know that you can't provide night care and work during the day - you might power through if it was for a day or two but it is just not possible long term.

Did you arrange your own care package or is there the equivalent of social services that look at the person's needs and then decide how they can be met? If it's the latter then I'd suggest that they need to assess again as her care needs are greater now than they were before.

You could tell her that both of you will be on holiday at the same time (planned because you thought she'd be in hospital for longer) so it has to be respite for a week. We can't always have what we want, when we want it. It's one of the lessons you learn as you grow up. Now is the time to trot out those lines from your childhood when you wanted something unreasonable. "We'll see", "wishing doesn't make it so", "if wishes were horses we all could ride".

She's being unreasonable, it may be that she doesn't have the insight to realise that. My mother would have said that she did all her own housework and showered every morning. She genuinely believed it but that didn't make it true.

cptartapp · 17/06/2023 16:11

Just say you're withdrawing all care.
Difficult to do but no more difficult than the life you're living already. Your DM with all her mental faculties wouldn't want this life for you, so ignore the guilt.
Its make it break time. Nothing will change whilst you prop up the situation.
Step right away citing carer breakdown. Agree to doing absolutely nothing.
Your life must now come first.

Sudename · 17/06/2023 16:25

Thanks ladies. The health services here provide care and will be calling to re asses her when she is home.
I have holidays in August from work so I've decided today that she will have to go for respite then. We believe that she will return to form ie not eating etc when she gets home and will end up in hosptial again. She has a small stone between her liver and gall bladder and won't let them remove it. It is leading to continuous infections.
My sister feels we should refuse to stay overnight and if she falls so be it on her head. She is aware of this and doesn't want us staying over night

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 17/06/2023 16:32

An uncle of mine (in Ireland) had some issues along the same lines. He was hospitalised due to what amounted to emaciation (nibbling cookies, etc, instead of eating actual food) and very unsteady on his legs due to bad hips.

After he was fed to an adequate weight, he needed to leave the hospital and was gung-ho about getting back home. The 'have a rest in a nice Home' persuasion strategy worked eventually in his case, and he's now permanently in a room in a nursing home that he had a voice in choosing. He's fine anywhere he can have his laptop, headphones, and permission to go outside and smoke two cigarettes a day though, and he likes the nurses and the food.

What made a difference with my uncle was the social workers agreeing that he couldn't go home, though in the case of my uncle, his only child is a man, and maybe it was easier therefore to play the 'I've got a job to go to' card in his case - there are all sorts of assumptions made about women and what they are expected to do for relatives whereas the same expectations don't always apply to men. You need to sit the social care people down and tell them there's no way the plan to send her home is sustainable unless they can provide someone to stay with her 24/7. You need to be absolutely firm on this.

My uncle went to a 'Home for a rest' from the hospital and waited there for a bed to become available in one of two permanent homes he had said sounded OK. While waiting, he got used to the routine, food, nursing care, other residents, etc, so it was easier for him to wrap his mind around the idea that the permanent nursing home was his home. You need to get your mum over the hump, so to speak.

Does she have a good relationship with her GP? Any authority figure she trusts who could help to talk her around?

Sudename · 17/06/2023 17:34

She has a great relationships with some nieces who are similar in age to her. I'll have a chat with them and see if they could talk to her

OP posts:
Bababear987 · 20/06/2023 15:19

Your sister is right, let her go home, if she has capacity she does have the right to go home without you guys and if she falls she falls. It sound horrible but it's sometimes what people need to make them realise they need more help because when they get older frail etc they also get selfish and forget what life is like for you.

YouLando · 20/06/2023 20:42

OP, I really feel for you, as my DH, and his siblings are in a similar situation with my MIL in Ireland.

We're in the UK, as is my SIL. One BIL is about 3 hours drive from MIL, and the other BIL is local to MIL. She's almost 90, extremely frail and a constant fall risk, and cannot prepare food, shower, dress etc due to her frailty. The local BIL and his wife have managed to keep his mum at home for the last few years, now with 3x daily care agency visits, and x2 daily visits from them, along with all appts, house stuff, admin etc. They have ft jobs and a family, and cannot keep doing this. My BIL is on his knees. The other non-local siblings are travelling over in rotation every 3rd weekend, which from UK to Ireland is killing DH and I financially.

Of course we all love my MIL, but don't know how long the situation can go on. She's currently in hospital after yet another fall, has been told by doctors and physio that she can't go home, but is so very stubborn and will not accept that a care home/respite home would be the best option.

Sorry OP, no answers 😔 but you and your sister need and deserve your own lives.

.

WanderleyWagon · 21/06/2023 00:09

Wanted to send a handhold. My parent is in Ireland and I support from over the water. In terms of getting her into residential care, is there anything the district nurse can do to advise? I have found my dad's district nurse incredibly helpful; she'll listen to my concerns, go and visit him and has established trust with him very quickly; I think he'd believe her when he'd be less inclined to believe me.
I hope you get her the residential place she needs; but I'm with your sister; you can't keep shoring up her living situation at the expense of your own health. You'll feel better for drawing boundaries, and it may nudge her to accept help from elsewhere since it's not coming as easily from you.

Soonenough · 21/06/2023 00:28

I have PMd you.

Dustmybroom · 21/06/2023 00:33

You sound like you need to be given permission to stop caring for your mum 24/7. I give you that permission. It’s not the best for either of you.

If you were your mum, what would you want your children to do?

Sudename · 21/06/2023 02:23

Thank ye all so much for the kind replies. I certainly don't want my children to have to take care of me when I'm older. Sadly if mam was in her full health and senses she wouldn't want me to be taking care of her.
She listens to her gp so I will being her to see him. He is my gp too and understands the pressure I am under and I can prime him before her visit.

OP posts:
balzamico · 21/06/2023 04:58

You could tell her the doctors have said that she needs to stay (in a care home) to "build her strength" or put on some weight, whatever white lies you need to tell

CG171 · 27/06/2023 09:57

Dear all, thank you all for sharing these stories as my siblings and I are at the point of dealing with this dilemma now with our father and I think the response re giving “permission “ was really helpful as I have felt so sad and guilt ridden that our dad might not go home ever again. He ticks all the boxes many posts have described, mental health, cognitive decline, fall risk etc unable to prepare meals, needs thickened drinks due to choking when he swallows so keeps getting aspiration pneumonia. Mum had been valiantly doing all his care and it was making her ill so we have her wellbeing to consider as well. Thank you for the good advice and good luck everyone

Quisquam · 27/06/2023 10:06

I suggest you keep telling the hospital it’s an unsafe discharge; and you and your sister are not willing to provide any care. It sounds harsh, but the hospital’s main concern is freeing up a bed; not your mother’s welfare - although it’s true hospitals are not care homes for the elderly.

Coldcoldheartdualipa · 27/06/2023 10:35

Similar here but nothing like as bad yet as many on here. Hugs to you all xxx

Sudename · 27/06/2023 18:34

Hello all just an update for ye. Mam came home last Monday and is doing better than expected. Her home help hours were reinstated and they are requesting additional hours. I stayed the first few nights but she was able to get up and use the loo herself so my sister and I have decided to step back a bit and see how she gets on. Thanks to @Dustmybroom for giving me the permission I needed to step back and all the other posters who gave advice and told their stories. It's not easy.

OP posts:
BeachBlondey · 29/06/2023 11:16

I have no advice, but can offer solidarity, as we are in an almost identical position with my Dad. He has been in hospital or care homes now for 12 weeks, following an illness, and has lost mobility in his legs. They will be sending him home soon, and I have no idea how we will cope. I wish he was 5 stone - sadly, he is morbidly obese, at over 22 stone, and we have no idea how you are meant to move someone so large with no experts or a hoist (which they say he cannot have). We are paying a fortune for a private physio, to try to get him mobile, but he is not trying hard enough and most days refuses to do his exercises, whilst simultaneously saying he wants to go home, and that we mustn't sell his flat to pay for a care home. No idea what nightmare is coming....

doodleZ1 · 29/06/2023 16:46

@BeachBlondey you dont even try to move him or you will do serious damage to your back. Any issues phone an ambulance. Are they ending him home with a care package? Its hard to say but perhaps your dad needs to see that going home wont work, if you help too much he wont see that and its just denying the inevitable.

Wibbleswombats · 29/06/2023 16:50

Big hug to OP, it really is difficult.

No, you can't lift or look after a 22st man. Family are an OT and they go mad about inappropriate lifting, as it can damage both patient and carer.

Soonenough · 29/06/2023 17:06

When I eventually had to admit my uncle to hospital as I could no longer provide what he needed after caring for over 4 years , the Nurse Manager said a very profound thing to me :: It is your time now to be his niece rather than his Carer. Same to you OP , step back , let the Care system help you and just be a loving daughter now.

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