Taking my mother to visit her SIL in a care home .Its going to be draining isn’t it

[fortifiedwithtea]

No advice or real purpose to this thread other than I need go write it down to process it.

My aunt is 96 years old today. My dad was her little brother, there was 9 years between them but sadly my dad died at 70. There was an older sister but she died in her early 50’s and had one son, my much older cousin.

I have no relationship with my cousin, I think he resented my birth. He had been the adored only grandson for 19 years when I came along. So he is my aunt’s nephew and next of kin since my dad died.

7 years ago my cousin put our aunt in a home. Mum could have got there by public transport but she never did. I used to visit with my husband and our youngest daughter a few times a year. The nursing home became too expensive and my cousin moved my aunt to a cheaper place and difficult to get place unless you have access to a car. I have never been to this new care home. I have health issues can not drive due to epilepsy and I have an intellectually disabled daughter to care for (DD2)

My aunt is bed ridden, I can not think of a worse way of existing. But the new home are much more caring than the first one .

My mum is feeling guilty that she never made the effort to see my aunt . I have warned her that aunt looks nothing like she remembers and my aunt’s friend (who is 98!) still mobile has told she wouldn’t recognise her.

But today is different, DD2 is at a sporting event 40 minutes drive from care home. Plan is to pick up mum, drive to sports venue, drop daughter off. Drive to care home , spend half hour with aunt and rush back to pick daughter up at the end of her sports event. Then we will drive Mum home, have a cuppa tea to help her process the visit. We will be home at about 8.00pm. Thats a 6 hour trip just to seen aunt for 30minutes. I’m not looking forward to today but I know it will mean everything to my aunt. We have not told her we are coming because with my health plans can go to pot very easily. I spent yesterday ill and didn’t manage to get dressed. Fingers crossed I stay well today.

I think you just have to take the approach you’re doing - a hard day for you but this will mean everything to your aunt. Focus on that. We all have to do things for elderly relatives we’d rather not do but it’s just life. I can’t imagine being in a care home immobile with few visitors. It must be awful. Take her some flowers and maybe get some for your mum too to bring some brightness to the day

I hope the visit goes well and you put aside any regrets you may have - she’s reached a grand age. Choosing a care home is difficult so I wouldn’t hold it against your cousin for it being less accessible.

Did you manage to see your aunt?

@DahliaMacNamara yes thank you.

gated property in large grounds. We rang front door and told care worker who we were visiting, he let us in straight away and pointed to the visitor s book. Whilst we busy signing in he disappeared. I found him in the dining room. I explained we needed showing to her room as we had not been before.

On arriving at aunts room I immediately noticed my aunts bare feet were sticking out the bed covers and they were resting on the vinyl mattress. I pointed out this would be uncomfortable and she needed a sheet under her feet. Care worker very quickly returned with a sheet and was incredibly gentle in moving her feet. He also fetched two extra chairs .

The room is large enough and clean. Aunt’s television is on its last legs, sound quality is still good but the picture is all shades if blue. The curtains are closed at all times at my aunt’s request as otherwise the sun glare is on television. Will have to find a way of telling cousin to replace the tv.

My mum puts a huge store by greetings cards but hers was missing from the dressing table. Then my DH noticed more cards displayed on the wardrobe. He found a card from my mum. “How odd , my card wasn’t blue….oh 😳 “ In that instant we realised the cards on the wardrobe were from last year. Mum annoyed at Royal Mail not delivering her card on time and hers was posted 2 days before mine, but mine had arrived.

I put my hand on my aunt’s cheek to kiss her and she pressed her face into the palm of my hand. I had to hold back tears, How long has it been since someone kissed her? Conversation was easy and I gave her a photo of DD1 on her graduation which she loved. Filled her in on what we’ve been doing, showing her lots of photos on my phone.

Then it was time to go. Aunt told us she had had a lovely birthday.

Staff member give us the code to open the front door and open the car park gates and off we went to pick up DD2. Mum is pleased she went.

Getting mum home took some time. Whilst she had us she gave DH some jobs. Shopping at Tesco, checking the meters because she was surprised at her last fuel bill, something in the bathroom needed WD40. Handed us a birthday card to that’s next week. We all tried out her new stair lift. And I noticed her walking stick was too long for her and adjusted it to be a better length.. Mum is 86.

Glad to be home.

Well done
Mission accomplished !

@ArcticJoll thank you

Yep sometimes we have to go that extra mile for our loved ones, especially in circumstances like this. Will have meant the world to them, that's priceless really. Xx