Give advice or stay out of it?

[2lsinllama]

MIL is nearly 90 and lives alone. We live in the North West, BIL on the South Coast and MIL in the Midlands. She manages well with support from various groups, ie private carer/church group. She will not have any help from Social Services - they did visit to do an assessment but she told them a bunch of lies! A few years ago we (mainly me) worked really hard to get her a place in a fabulous care home. She had asked me to do this but when it came to it she changed her mind. Fair enough but since then she has commented that when the time comes I’ll be able to get her the place again. Firstly, that won’t happen and she’ll be bottom of the list and secondly I now work full time so can’t spend the same hours on the phone.
She is starting to show signs of dementia. I think we will need to intervene soon. BIL comes to me for advice as I’ve been through this with my Nan, but last night DH told me to stay out of it. ‘She’s my mum, not yours’
BIL text me this morning and I haven’t replied yet. Should I just tell him to speak to his brother? DH tends to hide his head in the sand regarding his mum. Any suggestions welcomed.

Wow. I’m shocked that your DH said that.
Maybe a stern word to him is due. Request that your BIL now deals with his brother!

Step back. Wait for it to hit the fan and just hope your DH steps up and gets ‘his’ mother sorted.

“Sorry BIL, DH has told me that he doesn’t want me involved in MIL’s affairs so you’ll have to talk to him about it”

Factual. She is apparently no longer your problem to solve.

This. Don’t ignore your BIL, just tell him that DH has asked that everything for his mum goes through him and contact him. Easy for you and why should you hide what you’ve been asked?

I was a little shocked as he doesn’t usually speak to me like that. He’d spoken to her earlier in the day and she’d been piling on the guilt at us living so far away etc so I didn’t say anything back to him.

I think it would be useful to have a conversation with your husband.

On an ordinary human level - regardless of whose parent is involved - dementia is a cruel and progressive illness.

As you know a person with dementia is likely to rack up increasing problems in relation to physical health, because of not feeding themselves properly and/or getting food poisoning. They may get lost when out and about. They will become vulnerable to being scammed.

Things normally go a lot better if all members of the immediate family can accept the reality of the illness - getting a formal assessment is also useful.

I was very fond of my father-in-law who had dementia. He was a lot nicer than my old Dad and although the repetitiveness that goes with the condition was both frightening and frustrating, I am glad that we all worked together to make sure he was safe.

I am also proud of the way my husband took his fair share of responsibility for his father.