Where do I start? Mum

[Greyandrare123]

Some background. My mum is 87 and she has gone into a cognitive decline. Some things arent new to her behaviour. Other things are. I am her only relative in the country. We have never been close and our relationship has not been good. I visit x2 week 100 mile round journey and I have a long term v serious illness to manage myself which has rendered me disabled. There is no POA as she doesnt trust me and has never trusted me to act in her best interests. But I am alone. My brother lives abroad and is not engaged.
Weekly life and the stress of being my mums carer whom she doesnt want is having a huge impact on me. The picture is this.
She manages her daily activities ok as long as the routine isnt interrupted. She can wash, dress, go to the shops etc.My mum has never been social or engaged in life to a degree where she mixes with people so I am her only connection. She may talk to her neighbours. She has a history of becoming v fixated with her neighbours, putting them on pedestals, over familarisation etc.
These days she has minimal contact with everyone although seems to enjoy popping to the shop. I go every Sunday and take her out for lunch regardless of how I feel.

She has a history of some alcohol abuse after my dad died 23 years ago. I wasnt aware of this until many years later. There is no signs of alcohol abuse currently.

Any help I offer (sort out a new kitchen, garden work, etc) is met with suspicion and rejected. This rejection goes on until things become urgent and I am left with a mess to sort out. Again this isnt new behaviour but its becoming a problem as its now also combined with anger and agression so getting practical help is so difficult. I dont have the money to pay for house upkeep and due to her not having POA set up I am stuck trying to use my own money to pay for urgent repairs.

No conversational engagement. I take her to mine for a break and she will sit staring at the TV, not use the remote, not get herself a drink and repeating the same subjects over and over, just randomly talking. This isnt actually new behaviour. She has never engaged with her social surroundings and her self awareness has been limited to conversations centered around herself.

Gets incredibly aggressive with me. Emotionally labile. Cannot see any perspective other than her own. Her anger is hard to manage as its based on sarcasm and its personal and until I offer wholehearted apologies, it escalates. This coupled with the constant rejection of all help or suggestions makes life v difficult for me to try to support her.

What do I do? I cant carry on in this untenable situation. I can see she needs a lot more help and input even if she rejects it and becomes aggressive. Where do I start?

Any advice gratefully received.

You are incredibly good. She doesn't deserve a daughter like you. I think you should rein back on the visits. It sounds as though she should be in residential care and the more you visit the less likely that will become. Why not go once a month and if you see she is struggling, report it to adult social services. Don't waste your time going twice a week. Look after yourself. She is not grateful and she doesn't deserve your help. So don't break your neck trying to help her and certainly don't pay a penny for it. 💐

I was going to say pretty much the same as determined. It sounds as though you're enabling her to live independently at your own expense, both physically and financially.

I would seriously step back. Offer to apply for Attendance Allowance maybe and write to the GP with your concerns for her health.

Other than that just visit once a month. She definitely doesn't deserve what you're doing currently and it seems to not be good for you at all.

Cut right back on the visits! It's not doing you any good at all.

@EmotionalBlackmail sounds as though you might have some experience from your username

just because she gave birth to you doesn’t mean you have to do all this for her and put up with her abuse and vitriol on top. It’s abuse - would you put up with this from a husband? Would you treat a child like that?

What happens if you don’t visit? What happens if you don’t grovel? absolutely stop spending your own money on her. Invest in some good therapy, you deserve it.

It sounds as though she is struggling and may have some form of dementia or other illness which is exacerbating her behaviour. I would speak to adult social services and her GP.

This, and refer her to adult SS for an assessment. Although if she can still wash herself, pop to the shops etc she will probably get no help. Can she do her own laundry and change her sheets or are you doing that? Apply for attendance allowance then she can use that money to pay for care.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto
Well, now I've put boundaries in place I see mine 3-4 times per year and do not speak to her more than once a week.

Twice a week 50 miles away is a LOT.

Just for context - I see my mum at most once a week. She was a wonderful mum to me and is now in residential care. She is very gentle and quiet, certainly no anger or abuse, but I still find those weekly visits hard and draining. Tbh I found the cognitive decline stage, long before she got so disabled, really hard too - I couldn't make her happy and that is so miserable.

Please do stop taking her to your house. Tbh a familiar environment is usually better in cognitive decline. Make your home your haven where you're not under attack.

I totally get that the repairs are to stop real disasters happening but it isn't OK that you are funding them. Disasters may happen anyway and that wouldn't be your fault. I'm imagining a washing machine flooding the kitchen, a gas leak - I see why you are doing it. But in a way you are preventing more care being necessary.

I wonder whose standards you are trying to live up to by doing all this.

If you need our permission to stop draining and damaging yourself for her, you have it. It sounds like you fear what you may feel, or what you may be accused of, in the future. Honestly - people may have views about a situation they don't know, but fundamentally they don't pay much attention. If they did they would help you.

Does your brother talk to you? I know he's not involved but would he also give you permission to look after yourself a bit more?

Apply for attendance allowance for her

Apply for carers allowance for yourself

Then there will be money towards repairs, getting in outside help, petrol etc

Can you cut the visit to once a week ?

Phone the extra day that you normally visit

She is treating you like a subordinate because you are subordinating yourself to her.

Hi OP,
Your mum is unlikely to get help from services while you are plugging the gaps so she is managing. For example if her boiler broke and you made sure it was mended then there is no need for services as she is managing the day to day stuff.

If she won't pay, for example for a boiler repair in the example I think that is the time to contact social services and tell them your mum has no hot water and she won't allow you to organise repair (at her expense). If a person does not have capacity I believe social services have a process to appoint someone to manage their money (a solicitor or organisation). It doesn't sound appropriate for this person to be you if your mum has never trusted you - and that's not just a symptom of recent decline. If they decide your mum has capacity and she simply does not want to repair her house they will leave her to it.

If your mum has never been social she is not going to start being social at 87 so I wouldn't worry about lack of company. For example why are you taking her to yours for a break. A break from what? She lives alone, in peace as she has chosen and doesn't want to chat. Does she enjoy going for lunch or grumble? Again if she doesn't want to just leave her be.

I think you could reframe your mum's experience to some extent in your mind. She has never liked to socialise and now despite being 87 she is still able to manage and even visit the shops - pretty great really. If there is some reason, why her home becomes uninhabitable for example, let social services know. Until then let her crack on.

Speak to social services in her area, explain that due to your own health issues and the distance involved, you are simply no longer able to visit her or offer the support you've been doing. They will need to do an assessment and take over.

Don't apply for attendance allowance. Don't say you will do x, y, z, tell social services that with regret, they are now 100% in charge of her welfare.

You can't carry on like this, you are making yourself ill. Once a care plan is in place, then you can visit when and for how long you choose. The responsibility will no longer be yours.

Thank you for all your replies. Im sorry I havent been back but Ive a load of side effects to endure this week from my treatment.

I saw my mum as usual last Sun. I had taken her to see her sister the week before and spent 5 days with her in Ireland. This really negatively affected my mental health. I came back tearful, depressed and unmotivated.

Since being at home in her own surroundings she seems better. I organised a friend to go and switch back her fuse box after she told me her lights werent working. My friend taught her how to do it while he was there. It was good to get some help.

If I didnt go she would have no interaction apart from some street based conversations with her neighbours. When she was married to my dad he was her life. She adapted herself around him, dinner every night, socialised with each other. He also socialised with people from the pub but she didnt. She was made redundant in her late 50's and never got another job or did any volunteer work. When my dad died 20 years ago she relied on me heavily and came to stay with me for 3 days every other week. That was very hard. She compared me with her neighbours daughter who hadnt moved away. She doesnt drive. She doesnt manage technology. She has never made any effort to establish any kind of social life or friendship group, even superficial apart from some obessions over neighbours. When I mention it she gets angry or refused to talk or gets aggitated then starts making things up in a weird sing song voice. If I hold her accountable for anything she blows up, cries and then will sit staring at the floor saying 'I didnt realise I was so bad. Im so sorry' but in a sarcastic sing song way.

My brother hasnt lived in the UK for 15 years. He calls her once every 2 weeks. He only engages on a superficial level. I get no support from him.

At this moment I cant stop visiting once a week. So ill continue with that. I have cut down the phone calls to once a week in between visits.

Im calling her GP Mon to arrange an appt. Ill need to take her but I can call it an exception.

I need to regain my own emotional fitness. She doesnt nor never has been bothered about how I feel. I dont even know how to get therapy. We can access some things through work but I think its only for resilience to keep working.

Thank you all again for taking the time to respond.

She sounds very hard work..... like a great big manipulative jellyfish of a person who just lands on you and smothers you with guilt.

Your brother has the right idea and will lead a happier life for it.
It's all down to choices really. You in the prime of your life take priority here.
Give social services 48 hours notice in writing and step right back.

Head on over to the stately homes thread op x

Attendance Allowance will help to pay for regular cleaning. GP for cognitive decline and Adult SS for social care.

Does she realise that without the PoAs in place, when she loses capacity, a deputy will most likely have to be appointed and she will have no say over who that is?

Watch this?

It sounds as though you're suffering with a serious case of fear, obligation and guilt OP and I do hope that you manage to find a way out of the FOG.

Being left with a Parent who did very little care for me when I was growing up yet expects me to do all the care for her now she's elderly has been a bit of a challenge for me. Especially as she's happy to tell everyone who will listen what an awful DD I am.

But you know what, it doesn't matter. I see her one a week, at her house, there's no way she's coming to mine and people can think what they like. They weren't helping me when I was hungry or being hit or screamed at.

Do get in touch with the Employee Assistance Programme if you have one. I've had Counselling recently after a incidence in the family that was nothing to do with work.

Hopefully it will help you to see where your boundaries are and how to enforce them

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto thank you. Im definitely suffering with FOG. Your 2nd paragraph got me confused as I thought I had written it. You summed my experiences up in a few words.

I work for the nhs and they will have something to help. I think ive heard of employee assist and ill look for it tomorrow when im in

Yesterday I went over, picked her up and took her for lunch. I managed not to engage too much which is a start. There was some snidy comments made about 'all families being the same. Not helping their relatives' but that was it. As always no thanks but im used to that.

Thank you..off to look up FOG

I have a mother who is similar but not nearly as bad. I see her about every six weeks and dread it. I do some practical things for her but can’t stand being around her. You need to stop doing all this stuff. Just stop it. Inform SS and back right off. You don’t owe her anything.

I think you have to start putting yourself first . There seems to be a lot of toxic parents expecting their offspring to look after them despite being horrible . Let social services and her GP know then reduce your visits . If you visit and she is awful say so and point out your visits will cease if she cannot be civil .

Can I ask why you take her to lunch so often? Do you both enjoy it, does she want to get out and socialize or is this just guilt?

I'm afraid your going to waste many years of your life being stressed and ill over this and it's not your responsibility or obligation. You don't have to cut her off or anything extreme but seriously dial it back and take care of yourself first