Being drawn back in and feeling angry

[ClaudiaShipper]

I’m not sure I’m posting in the right topic…I’m aware that people post here when their parents are gravely ill and don’t want to cause offence. Please let me know if this is more appropriate elsewhere.

Long story, I had an emotionally neglectful, probably abusive childhood. My mum often told me “don’t have children they’ll ruin your life”, she was very cold, no affection shown. No warmth, kindness, fun, advice, time invested. I don’t know why. I spent a lot of time with my best friends’ family during school holidays, had sleepovers etc, my parents seemed unbothered at my absence from their lives. My Mum was cold, my Dad just sat around not saying much, not one word of advice, encouragement, praise, love in all my life. I left home as soon as I could and luckily made a happy family life for myself with my husband, married 30 years, and my children. My parents made equally little effort with their grandchildren so I went very low contact.

Fast forward, my Dad died a couple of years ago. I didn’t grieve for him, only for the parent he had never been to me. My mum now has dementia and is in a care home. My sister is close to my mum, she is 10 years older than me and left home when I was 8. We are not close although we get on ok in a practical sense. Our sibling relationship was never encouraged by my parents. My sister acted as her carer when my mum was first diagnosed with dementia and she was still managing to live in her own home. But now my sister is becoming (understandably) worn down by my Mum’s behaviour and demands on her.

So to summarise, my sister is phoning me most days to offload some of the stress she is under. I totally understand this but I feel resentful at being drawn back in to a life I left behind. I don’t feel angry at my sister but I do feel incredibly angry at my Mum. She was so cruel, I adapted to a life without any parental support and yet now she is back. My sister phones a lot, she is trying to cope with the care system, the NHS, with mum and her unpleasantness. This awful illness my Mum has is not her fault but everything that she did during my childhood was. And now it feels like she is back in my life. I don’t even know what my question is?

Do you think there could be a way to separate your relationship from your sister from your relationship (or lack of it) with your mother? Could you respond to your sister as you would to a friend who was struggling with an older relative? Supporting her but not expending any emotion on the cause of the trouble. If you thought about her as someone else's mum it might be easier to listen to your sister.

If you are finding your sister's calls too much can you try ignoring them? Or only answer every other day?

Forgive me if these are things you have already tried and found to be no good.

That sounds really difficult!

Don't know how much you've said to your sister about your mum and why both you and she left home when you did.
Could you try putting boundaries in place - telling your sister you find it hard having your Mum drawn back into your life so you only want to talk to your sister about other things, or limit the phone calls?

It's your sister's choice to get drawn into doing the care, which she may or may not want to do. But you don't have to get drawn into it.

Thank you so much @EmotionalBlackmail and @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere, you’ve given me some strategies to have think about. X

I don't have advice but just want to say that i feel for you , i cannot understand how a mother can treat the most precious thing she will ever have so cruelly.

I had a similar experience during my childhood and also have a Dsis 10 years older than me whom I always thought had a much better relationship with our mother but I was wrong. My Dsis also had a difficult relationship with her but is a different character and probably more easily guilt tripped into doing things. If you have had a relatively normal childhood it’s difficult to understand how some people have little or no relationship with their parents and I must admit I’ve felt some pressure from that over the years as well. Have you had an honest discussion with your Dsis about the situation and how you are feeling and also tried to understand how she is feeling? At the end of the day you both have the shared experience of having the same parents and I wonder how close you Dsis felt to them having moved out when she was 18. This may be the turning point for you to become closer and also off load some of your feelings. Both my parents abandoned me from childhood for most of my life and yet in their twilight years tried to get in contact, meddle again (that’s a very kind way of putting it!), had a very rosey tinted view of their parenting but I was done with them and maintaining that boundary was really important to me. You can leave your mother to her own devices and carers but can be a support and perhaps cultivate your relationship with your sister and perhaps both heal a little bit in the process.

If your mum is in a care home, her needs are being met and your sister should take a step back. You should feel no guilt for not wanting to be involved.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Can you spell it out for your sister, like you have here?

”I had an emotionally neglectful, abusive childhood. I feel resentful at being drawn back in to a life I left behind. I’m sorry that you’re finding things so difficult, but I’m not in a position to offer any emotional support over our mother”.

Could you suggest to your sister that she steps back and leaves your mother’s care to the institution she’s in?

Thank you everyone, l really appreciate the responses I’ve had. I feel better just having some thoughts from other people to ponder.

Really feel for you, some great advice here xx

I read your post and thought that your sister was still caring for your mum at home. No, she's in residential care. What exactly is your sister's problem then? I've been the one doing the looking after and the transition to residential care left me wandering around the house aimlessly. The endless list of things that needed doing just melted away - medication, food, safety, laundry all became someone else's job. I was no longer responsible for another person's safety and it was much less stressful. Yes I was still doing hospital transport and chasing ambulances for A&E admissions but that was my choice, the care home would have provided an escort for an additional cost.

If it's nastiness when visiting, how often and how long she visits is your sister's choice and it's something she has total control over. Your sister's relationship with your mother is not something that you have to be drawn into, if it's too upsetting for you to talk about then ask her not to talk about it with you. If she needs to dump her feelings somewhere it doesn't have to be on you, she can offload to a friend or a therapist. You will need to tell her this and then keep on telling her.

Does your sister like to be the victim and enjoy a moan or do you think she has something to complain about?

I would let her vent she is exhausted and probably feels responsible for your mum. There is a similar gap between me and .my sister we share a mum different dad's so I understand not being close but your sister is struggling let her have her moan, that is all she is asking.

I really feel for you and understand.

I’d advise your sister to step back from your mother now that she is in a home and seek some counselling for herself. You could say that you feel your mother wasn’t a very supportive mother growing up and just because your sister is the eldest doesn’t mean she needs to do anything now. Advise her to take a leaf out of your book and get support from a counsellor.

all the best with it.

Its difficult isnt it.
I was never close to my younger sister. My parents were screaming, aggressive, neglectful alcoholics. I left home age 17, moved away and for years I was very low contact.

My sister has spent the last 10 years running around after my lazy parents, she was financially supported by them half her adult life so it is payback time.

I noticed during covid everything was being outsourced to me to deal with on the phone, escalating last year. I was drawn back into the toxic dynamic of my family.
It reached crisis point over xmas/ January with my mothers constant demands, while I was dealing with my husbands cancer diagnosis and treatment.

The 2 people who neglected me as a child, financially used me as an adult now demand that I care for them because they are frail, bored and friendless at 90 years old!!

I had thought my sister and I were starting to build a relationship after all these years, I now realise I was being groomed to take on all responsibility.

If your sister choses to continue in her role with your mother that is her choice, she can not force that onto you. It is really triggering when your childhood was abusive. I have lurked on here for over a year, soaking up all the advice, so much resonated with me reading other peoples stories to the point that my last conversation with my parents I was really calm and cold. I could see how I was being manipulated. I will be damned if I waste another day on my co dependent, narcissist family.

There is a great analogy about rocking the boat on here, that was what finally pulled the wool from my eyes. The backlash was brutal but somehow something has changed in me, I honestly no longer care about those who never cared for me.
You seem really switched on to what is happening, your life, your choices xxx

Unfortunately it may be your mum and dad were also not brought up in a good parent situation and have had no idea how to be good parents themselves. It's great you have made a lovely family. If you love your sister just listen be supportive but it doesn't mean you have to get involved in anything.

I really feel for you. It's utterly awful to be expected to help out/care for parents who abused, used, humiliated, shamed and controlled you. The resentment of having to give more of your life over makes you so angry you could burst. The entitlement of these parents who when they were young and strong treated their vunerable children like utterly shit but when they get old and vunerable there is outrage if they don't get the best treatment, everyone's attention, treated like someone really special.

My dad died a few years ago (not abusive himself, but very much an enabler/supporter of my mums abuse). Since then I have helped out with my mum (been paid to do it) and quite frankly it probably wasn't a wise choice (I had sort of forgotten how bad she was as I've been away from home for over 30 years and thus not been her punching bag for a long time). Despite being paid the anger I have felt at the treatment I've been put through. Yes my mum had a bad childhood herself but has got to her 80's and still thinks she was a perfect mother and can't understand how her children are all so terrible, useless, want nothing to do with her. No self awareness whatsoever. I have aged horribly since I took on this role and do regret it.

Now social are involved to put her in care home as she needs 24 hour care and I will have to hassle of clearing her house which is very cluttered, selling it and cancelling all the services etc. After that I plan to do pretty much nothing (obviously I will no longer be getting paid). If the carehome need people to take her to appointments etc I won't be doing it. They can charge her extra and take her.

I feel like it will probably take me about 5 years to recover from the experience.
I totally understand your conflicting emotions of resentment, guilt, rage, feeling sorry for your sister.

I think you have to accept your sister chose to get involved and that was her decision. You don't need to. Hopefully if your mum has just gone in carehome the work will tail off for your sister and she can get her own life back.

I sometimes felt angry that my sister would not help (she got offered the chance to help and get paid too). However I understand why she did not. I needed the money, she did not so sensibly did not get involved. I think I would have felt guilty to let my sister deal with it on her own but I have a personality where I have been brainwashed to put everyone elses needs first. This is wrong of course and you should put yourself first.

My mother of course played me off against my siblings when we were children (called triangulation and very common with abusive parents) so I have no relationship with my siblings bar very superficial. They are essentially strangers to me.

These horrible, vile, abusive parents who keep on living on and on and on and bloody refuse to die. Costing the NHS absolutely thousands, complaining to everyone, calling ambulances at drop of hat, draining the life from their children once again.

Mine tells me often 'I wasn't worth the pain of childbirth' amongst other delightful sayings that she trots out regularly 'why have a dog and bark yourself'.
She fully admits she had children so they would look after her, pay attention to her, make her feel better. As a child I got good grades, never had unsuitable boyfriends, didn't smoke, drink or do drugs and had to tell my mum everything. Information was power to use for her.

Don't feel bad for how you feel. I pray daily for mine to die. She is terribly worried about dying. Frets constantly about it. I reckon she thinks her day of reckoning is upon her (and going to hell etc).

Hugs and sympathy.

Heartfelt thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond, I’ve had some great advice and it’s given me lots to think about. I’m sorry that some of you have found yourselves in similar situations.

She has now been diagnosed with cancer. There is no prognosis yet, awaiting a full body scan, but have been told that the tumour they have found is aggressive. I feel bitter that she is the first thing I think about when I wake up, during the day, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, and I have bad dreams during the night. She is going to die without ever saying sorry for all the cruel things she did.