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Elderly parents

Family problem.

13 replies

LizzieSiddal · 06/06/2023 09:08

I’m not sure where to put this thread but will have a go here. It’s quite complicated!

PIL are early 80s, MIL is recovering from pancreatic cancer, (she has sadly recently been called in for scans as she has found some lumps around her body) FIL has Parkinson’s. My BIL had a stroke 5 years ago and last year separated from his partner and against all our advice they let him move in with them. (I’ve never liked my BIl and my DH can’t stand him either, he is/was a bully and can very very physically intimidating, also both of his late teenage DDs will not speak to him.

PIL have at last come to the end of the road with him, he’s demanding, can be intimidating and he’s lazy. PIL have asked him to move out but he completely ignores them and says he can’t move until he has help form the council. He thinks he’s entitled to be provided, by the council a cheap flat, with a carer on standby, to do all domestic housework etc. He is perfectly capable of looking after himself apart from applying daily cream to his legs and feet, his stroke left him with limited use of his right arm. MIL has spent weeks phoning various council departments to ask about housing for him but she never gets a straight answer and gets sent from pillar to post.

BIL has 100k sat in the bank from his house sale and also has an adapted car which he is able to drive.

PIL have asked DH to tell him he must leave and for us to find out if he’s entitled to be provided with help but I think I’d be wasting my time, won’t I? Imo he just needs to go and rent somewhere and pay for someone to come in once a day to apply his cream. I am worried about what to do if he just refuses to go!

Does anyone have any advise as to how to approach this?
Sorry for the long lost, thank you for reading!

OP posts:
Azealeasinbloom · 06/06/2023 13:06

With respect to housing etc, it certainly doesn’t sound like he would have any sort of entitlement, but with respect to his physical needs, would a social care assessment be at all worthwhile - if he was on his own he may need some help with personal care, for example.
But if he wants cleaners, cooks etc, I think he has to source that himself.
Horrible situation .

I think perhaps DH needs to talk to him with PIL present, give him a deadline, which PIL agree to, and perhaps give him a list of numbers - Rental agencies, council housing, social care, and tell BIL to get on with it. And PIL need to mean it.

LizzieSiddal · 06/06/2023 14:38

Thanks for your reply @Azealeasinbloom

Yes it is a horrible situation. Am preparing myself for months of agro as unfortunately we fully expect BIL to do absolutely nothing to sort himself out.

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HamBone · 06/06/2023 14:55

I agree that a social care assessment would be a good step, my elderly Dad had that and they were really able to help him out and help him get advice on a number of matters, including housing.

The PP is absolutely right that’s with £100K in the bank, he won’t be entitled to a “cheap flat”, it’s ludicrous for him to think that!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 11/06/2023 07:59

How old is BIL? Are any of the local retirement villages suitable? Our local one takes from 55 and is run by a large, local HA.

I think I would report the situation to Adult Social Services too, especially if he's being intimidating. Sounds like your PIL need protecting from him.

LizzieSiddal · 11/06/2023 08:27

Thanks @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto.
We took @Azealeasinbloom advice, Dh had a talk with him on Thursday with PIL there. It went better than expected as we told a bit of a lie to persuade him to go.
With PIL agreements, he was told they are going to sell their property and want him settled and in his own place before they put it on the market. (BIL has been asking them to do this for a while, and also asking for some money when they sell as “you can’t take it with you”, yes he really is that much of a c**t.) Anyway he’s already booked to see two flats for sale next week.
He will be told of a “change of heart” in selling once he’s safety in his new property.

Dh also managed to get out of BIL that as well as the £100k from house sale, he has another quite substantial amount in cash saved, plus a pension, plus what benefits he gets, something nobody has been able to get out of him (including his ex) since he had the stroke 5 years ago. So he is very able to afford to live independently.

Thansk for the tip re SS @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto, if there are any more worries we will contact them.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 11/06/2023 08:30

BIL is 55 by the way so could look at retirement flats, but he’s says he doesn’t want to.

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Ilikewinter · 11/06/2023 08:46

Wow, he sounds delightfull and is clearly only moving out as he sees more money coming his way. I would advise your inlaws to change the locks when hes gone and the news of the 'change of heart' is broken to him, incase he decides hes moving back in!

LizzieSiddal · 11/06/2023 09:15

@Ilikewinter he is awful. I could fill a whole thread with examples of his dreadful behaviour. Changing the locks is a good idea

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Azealeasinbloom · 11/06/2023 09:31

Glad things are moving in the right direction! Inspired thought to suggested PIL wish to downsize. Hope things keep moving apace.

Thesharkradar · 11/06/2023 12:16

What a brilliant ruse@LizzieSiddal he was so dazzled by the idea of getting some money from the sale of his parents house that he went like a lamb 🐑

HamBone · 11/06/2023 14:32

What a clever approach, @LizzieSiddal and what a rat he is expecting money from his parents’ house sale. Doesn’t he realize that he’s quite comfortably off already? 😡

LizzieSiddal · 11/06/2023 16:49

Yes I’m quite proud of the little lie. It came to me in the middle of the night whilst I was tossing and turning worrying about the whole situation. I woke dh to tell him just incase I’d forgotten by the morning 😂

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 11/06/2023 17:36

LizzieSiddal · 11/06/2023 08:30

BIL is 55 by the way so could look at retirement flats, but he’s says he doesn’t want to.

Of course he doesn't, he's far too comfy where he is.

He truly is an absolute rotter.

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