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Elderly parents
Original poster

Needs to stop Drivng

19 replies

gingerhead · 01/06/2023 19:41

After several minor bumps, scrapes etc, my father (87) has had another more serious car bump (fortunately no one else involved), but has written his car off. The insurance company have already sent a replacement car.

I feel strongly that he is no longer safe to continue driving, but he is absolutely adamant that these have all been accidents through no fault of his, and there is no way that he intends to stop driving. He is supremely stubborn!
Any suggestions as to how best to handle this.

OP posts:
BadGranny · 01/06/2023 19:51

I confiscated my MiL’s car keys and bought her a bus pass. She’s just driven into the side of a white pantechnicon at a crossroad, and her justification was that she didn’t notice it.

ZekeZeke · 01/06/2023 21:14

When MIL had Alzheimer's (undiagnosed) I made an appointment with the GP on her behalf, had a telephone with the GP in advance, and I explained she isn't fit to drive.

The GP told me to take her keys away from her.
I

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 01/06/2023 21:26

You can report anonymously to the dvla. They want your email but I can guarantee nobody will find out (fil still thinks it was his gp).

pimplebum · 01/06/2023 21:51

Take the keys off him if he kills someone's you will never forgive yourself
I've done it it's hard but you will be v relieved after

Chowtime · 01/06/2023 21:57

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 01/06/2023 21:26

You can report anonymously to the dvla. They want your email but I can guarantee nobody will find out (fil still thinks it was his gp).

Surely the DVLA contact the GP though? They dont just take the word of an anonymous email sender do they?

WhoWants2Know · 01/06/2023 21:58

There are organisations like Driveability where a person can be assessed by an OT as well as a driving instructor to see if they are still safe to drive.

If you're worried, you could propose getting an assessment to be on the safe side.

Littlewhitecat · 01/06/2023 22:48

My car was written off by an old lady who muddled the brake with the accelerator and rocketed out of a junction into the side of my car. She told my insurance company it was my fault because she didn't see my car because it was gray. Her son told me he had tried to persuade her not to drive but she wouldn't listen. I had three children in the car (two of whom weren't mine) and luckily we were only bruised from the air bags. It was a shocking experience which took 3 months of sorting out with the insurance. The police removed her licence. Please don't wait for your relative to cause this sort of damage before the licence is revoked.

SwedishDeathClearance · 01/06/2023 22:53

If it was his fault then check the insurance are actually paying for the car and not expecting him to. They put you in touch with an accident management company who provide a car but sometimes you have to pay if there is no other driver’s insurance to claim off

SwedishDeathClearance · 01/06/2023 22:53

And the hire cost is vastly inflated

SemperIdem · 01/06/2023 22:56

Report him to the DVLA.

Confiscate his car keys in the meantime. I know it will feel terrible for you both, treating him like a child, but he is not behaving like an adult. Elderly drivers like him kill people and end up spending their last years in prison.

crtips · 01/06/2023 23:04

We notified the DVLA about a relative's dementia. Nine months later, the relative (thankfully) decided of his own accord that he had to stop driving. In that nine months, there had been zero communication from the DVLA, in spite of chasing it up. Don't rely on the DVLA to step in!

Hohofortherobbers · 01/06/2023 23:17

I reported an elderly neighbour after an rta to 111 online, sadly they did nothing, just replied no crime had occurred. They pointed me to dvla who said only a health care professional is allowed to report an unsafe driver. What can you do?

crtips · 02/06/2023 07:21

NB in our case it wasn't that we 'reported' the relative to the DVLA - he himself filled in the forms to let them know he had dementia, and these are then (I think) meant to go to the GP or specialist to assess whether that person is safe to continue driving. They're allowed to continue until a decision is returned. The relative never heard anything back, despite chasing the case and being told it was 'in progress'. (And it wasn't a case of him forgetting or getting confused, as all the paperwork and contact was dealt with by family on his behalf.)

Simianwalk · 02/06/2023 07:24

My friends mum was hut by an elderly driving in 1985. She has been in a wheelchair and requires 24 hour care still. It must have ruined the man that hit her final years as went to court. Remove the keys.

midgemadgemodge · 02/06/2023 07:38

My mam agreed to do a few sessions with a driving instructor when sone of the family expressed concern

The instructor said she was absolutely fine - is that something they would agree to ?

JennyMule · 02/06/2023 08:09

The process when you report online to DVLA - whether anonymous or not - is that DVLA write to the driver to tell them that concerns about fitness to drive have been expressed (but not by whom) and requesting relevant information so that DVLA will write to doctors and make a decision. Meanwhile the letter, if memory serves, encourages the driver to refrain from driving but doesn't suspend the right to. If the letter is not responded to by the driver after a few reminders the DVLA suspend the driving licence. Obviously all a bit academic if the driver is too cognitively impaired to understand correspondence but possibly a wake up call for more aware drivers?

NotTooOldPaul · 02/06/2023 08:56

I am 76 and aware of getting older. I pay for a medical every three years; it is the same medical as a bus driver or HGV driver has to have. It gives me peace of mind.
Can you ask your father to go for one of these medicals? If he is judged to be OK to drive you will be reassured and if not you can use that to persuade him to stop.

REP22 · 02/06/2023 18:45

Could you disconnect the battery so the car won't start? That or hide the keys...

I'd also recommend contacting the DVLA anonymously - even if they are slow or fail to respond, at least you'll know you tried.

Where I live, there have been several incidents in recent years, three of them fatal (and in two cases pedestrians were also killed by the drivers). There are plenty of horrendous young drivers, and not all older drivers are dangerous - but once you've started noticing the signs it's so hard to try to forgive/overlook it.

It must be a real worry for you. I hope you can get something sorted soon.

PermanentTemporary · 11/06/2023 06:56

My mother (86) had to stop driving when my uncle (91) offered to park her car for her and crunched into (his own) wall, putting the car in for repair for a long time. She had a stroke before it was ready. You could borrow the car and damage it somehow...?

My MIL was persuaded to 'lend' her car to her son. She complained about him 'not having time' to return it multiple times a day for a few weeks until her advancing dementia stopped her remembering about it.

Seriously, I would report to the DVLA and also strongly suggest to him that he has a specialist driving assessment. Which he may pass, of course. It depends how dangerous you really think he is - you have to accept that in taking these actions he may be so angry that it damages your relationship. But usually the relationship does seem to survive.

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