How to support my husband navigate MIL's care - difficult situation

[nikster76]

My MIL has been diagnosed with PSP - this is a progressive neurological disease that will see her deteriorate fast, it's very sad. She is currently unable to do little for herself including using the bathroom, cooking, walking, cleaning, washing dressing. For all these things she relies on her husband (this is my husbands step dad).
Well here lies the problem. The step dad is an alcoholic bully and very controlling. He controls everything in her life including money, access to friends, phone calls to us, food everything. On occasions he withholds care and refuses to wash her or give her food. Recently he destroyed her phone on purpose. We believe that she needs proper care but he also does not like to spend money and refuses out and out to get anyone or any service , his line is that they are managing fine and we should butt out. My MIL does not stand up to him anymore and says to us the same thing - 'Everything is fine' She does not want us to take a stand with him or cause any kind of upset - this is her worst fear.

It's terribly upsetting for my husband to see his mum in this situation. We also live 500 miles away so we are reliant on the 'bully' to make contact with us so he can speak to his mum. Everything my husband kindly suggests to change the situation is met with derision, intimidation and aggression.

We just don't know what to do. We are thinking of raising the situation with the health team as my husband has POA in place but it's not activated yet as she is still deemed capable. I am not sure that we can change much at the moment but my lovely caring husband is tying himself in knots believing that he is failing his mum. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you.

Contact their local social services department and report a "vulnerable adult" - they will have a duty to look into it.

Set about registering the PofA - details of how to do this are on the government website.

This is difficult. I had a similar situation with a family member. I reported to Adult Social Services under the 'vulnerable adult' approach, but when they attended, the spouse said everything was fine and sent them away. My vulnerable family member was, like your MIL, too scared to rock the boat.

I contacted the Office of the Public Guardian, but because I did not have POA and was not next of kin, there was nothing I could do. I was advised by the OPG that my only route was to call the police and report the spouse for coercive control, abuse/neglect of a vulnerable person, and financial abuse. (All these things were true.)

Step one for your DH is to register the POA. This takes a while, and it may also be possible for the husband to block the POA. (It is always wise to register a POA immediately as it cannot be used until such time as the person becomes vulnerable.)

Step 2 is for your DH to consider the consequences of what will happen if he presses the nuclear option. (ie police, which may well be in his mother's best interest)

If your MIL would be better off in a full-time caring environment, then this is the correct option. She needs to be made a ward of the court of protection.

You say there is a 500 mile distance - so are we talking about Scotland or what? Rules might be different there.

Either way, whatever your DH decides, he may well have to take some time out from work to go and personally handle this.

And if his mother is deemed to have capacity, then he can only advise and not force her, even if she makes poor decisions about what is best for her. Like for example staying with an abusive man.

Total nightmare and I really feel for you.

Thank you both. We are in Scotland and my MIL is in the Channel islands. There are different laws regarding POA and the step-dad is holding that against us too.

My MIL has not been deemed incapable. I suspect if we try and engage the POA, the bully will step in and block it. In theory, my MIL is still able to talk and make decisions.

She is under a health team in the Channel island but the SFIL dismisses them and tells them everything is fine. We are wondering about approaching them in the first instance and intimating that everything is not okay. Will they do anything?
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I am concerned that if we make a move, the SFIL will make it very difficult for us to maintain contact with my MIL and our relationship will turn from bad to worse.

To make matters worse, we believe he has hid a considerable amount of money to avoid paying any future care fees. We have no idea where this money has gone and my MIL has a right to it for her care.

Thanks

Is she under the care of a specialist multidisciplinary clinic for.movement disorders, if she is there might be a nurse coordinator or social worker that you can raise your concerns with.

@Maxiedog123 yes there is a multi disciplinary team but they have little to do with her since they were dismissed by SFIL.
We have tried emailing them but they don't respond. We don't have a phone number but could identify one I'm sure. Thanks

This is such a difficult situation. I guess it depends upon your husband's relationship with his mother and how far he is prepared to go to protect her best interests.

Because her husband is technically next of kin (NOK), your DH may find that nobody will speak to him or give him information. This is what happened with my family member. The spouse put up blocks and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I did not go to the police because, on balance, it would have caused world war 3 and there were children involved.

Your DH might have to consult with a law firm local to your MIL who could advise how best to proceed.

It sounds like your MIL is certainly in need of an advocate to look out for her best interests and to ensure she receives the best care.

What an awful situation. The fact your MIL won't speak out is really difficult. She is clearly being coercively controlled and financially and emotionally abused. Would you refer her to safeguarding? https://safeguarding.je/report-a-concern/. It's worth looking at the professionals' form here so you can see the kind of information they are looking for.

Also, have a think about what you think would be best for your MIL: if she wasn't with SFIL would she need 24/7 care?

Thank you for your suggestions. I'll take a look at the form@LadyGardenersQuestionTime and share it with my DH.
Thanks for the lawyer suggestion @Sicario . The POA was drawn up by a Jersey lawyer so we can perhaps have an initial conversation with them.

I believe she would need 24 hour care without the FSIL and i think he is aware of that and the associated cost implications - this is why he is doing everything to hide money and keep her at home with him providing all the (negligent) care.

As he is negligent might there be signs, matted hair, rashes etc that would help make a case? Perhaps a nurse assessment when you visit could be arranged, spring it on him. I know that is probably not possible as he wouldn't let them near her. If she goes into hospital that would be a good time to raise it though.

Are MIL and SFIL married?

Hi @Twazique - yes they are married.
There's nothing obvious other than my MIL has lost weight and sometimes there is a body odour. It's hard to pin down. We are cataloguing most conversations we have with SFIL now.

This is awful for all of you. However. Would you leave a vulnerable child in this situation? Of course you wouldn’t so this must be dealt with ASAP.
Your poor MIL is suffering.