Struggling

[DairyBoon]

I’m an only child and for the last 20 years have lived 300 miles away from my parents. Over the years, bar the pandemic I have always managed to visit them every 5/6 weeks. Over the last 2 years their health has declined, particularly my dad who has just been placed in palliative care – I have been told he may only have months to live.
I’m so struggling – I’m struggling with getting my head around they are getting old and going to die. I’m struggling with the phone calls at all hours from their Carers, their neighbours, other family members (there are none in their area), the hospital, wardens – it goes on and on. I’m struggling with dropping everything and travelling 300 miles at the drop of hat if there is an emergency. My life is taken over by it all – I make plans, book holidays and everything is cancelled as something happens ……
I have an amazing husband and son who are so supportive but I’m so on edge, I’m exhausted and can’t take anymore.
I not sure what any of you can do – but it helped writing it down – I just want to be me again!!

That sounds difficult and exhausting!

Could you put some boundaries in place re the phone calls? I use Do Not Disturb during working hours and overnight so I'm not disturbed by it then. So I pick up messages etc in a couple of hours in the morning and then in the evening. You still get them, but it's not immediate. And, depending on who/what it is I don't always respond straight away - yes to medical stuff, no to Mabel wanting an update. There was a certain amount of adjustment and griping(!) when I started doing it but it's made a huge difference.

As for the dropping everything for an emergency (it sounds like there's been a lot?!). What happens if you don't go? If you had a broken leg or flu you wouldn't be able to. My Mum was admitted via A&E and I couldn't go as illness meant I couldn't drive. My sibling couldn't be bothered(!) to go. It all got dealt with and her friends rallied round. It has made her put in place some things like keeping a hospital bag packed and reviewing who has a spare key to her house.

And good luck!

I hear you. I lived 50 miles away and was able to be there in just over an hour, but my dad was calling saying he couldn’t cope with my mum who was showing signs of dementia but by the time I got there, she was sat with her coat on saying ‘Lovely to see you. Shall we go out for lunch/ Dinner?’ 🤦‍♀️

Then dad had a massive stroke and died meaning mum had no option but to go into a care home. She too died, 4 months later.

It really sounds to me like you need to be looking at the next step.
Put some feelers out regarding care home Close to you maybe?

I’ve been there although I didn’t have the great distance to contend with. If they can possibly afford it my best advice would be to get a live in carer. You need to start thinking about arrangements for your mum when your dad does pass and a live in carer would give her continuity and you peace of mind. It would greatly lift the burden from you now too.
It’s a horrible time, I wish I could make it better for you. X

It’s just so much isn’t it? If it’s any comfort, having siblings is no panacea. Mine does the arse end of sod all. I’d be better without them as at least I’d not be so angry and I’d be able to make decisions. I’ve found nursing staff expect the world too and assume you are ready, willing and able to pick up on tasks. They are not wrong in some cases - I sat with my father for many afternoons and envied the rotation of friends and relatives visiting the patient in the bed opposite. Holiday wise, maybe it’s not the time to book a big trip
if you know it really is a matter of weeks or months.. problem is if it turns out not to be. No one has a crystal ball. It’s not easy any of this.

I think you know that, sadly, there is no magic solution to this.

I wouldn't limit phone calls though. It's always the one you didn't take that's the very important one.

This sounds like too much for you. As a PP said you need to set some boundaries. If you can only manage visiting every 5/6 weeks (I think that's a lot from 300miles away!) Then stick to that and don't visit more often. Lots of people don't have any relatives or relatives don't support or live too far away to help and people do survive. If carers are going in they need to step up and solve issues. Just tell them you can't visit. Most issues can be sorted by the carers or over the phone. Also look to get some support from a carers organisation like The Association Of Carers or another one local to you.