Parents with learning disabilities

[Weallgottachangesometime]

I’m wondering if there is anyone else who has experience of growing up with a parent with a learning disability?

I grew up with one parent with a learning disability, and another with neurodiversity. I think, maybe because of this, I grew up with very little emotional ties to them and now as an adult I don’t really feel I need them in any real emotional or practical way. In fact I haven’t needed them at all since I left home at 18. They seem to need me in an emotional way. They don’t really have many friends or close family, so put on a lot of pressure to see me a lot. However I find their company really difficult as I have no connection to them. What’s more painful is seeing that my children have no connection to them either, despite seeing them weekly for most of their lives. It’s worse as the kids get older and I see the same patterns from my childhood repeat. Parents bring lots of presents/sweets but don’t listen to or engage with children in any way. They want cuddles but aren’t able to respect the children’s space.

I dunno what I am asking. I guess I have never met anyone else who has parents with needs like mine have, I was wondering if anyone here had a similar experience.

I don't have experience with a parent with a learning disability but as my surviving parent grows older it has become increasingly clear that they are somehow different in a way which is not about dementia, but about communication and cognitive behaviours which I remember going back to my childhood and which are now becoming more evident as their ability to mask diminishes.

Neurodiversity may be in the mix but it's not clear. From childhood I have often felt quite detached from this parent. I struggle to communicate with them in various ways. I try to feel fondness for them, but find that I have to work quite hard at it and feel guilty about that. I don't have children and most of our interactions are one on one.

So I can't add anything in the way of advice, but am sending solidarity. What I try to do is take the positives where I can (e.g. organising activities with parent that I hope they'll enjoy and that I know I'll enjoy, so hopefully we end up having a nice afternoon/evening) and try to be kind to myself about the way I feel, or don't, about them. And try to keep boundaries so that I'm only providing as much support as I feel able to.

@WanderleyWagon thanks for replying.
solidarity is very much appreciated. I can’t say it’s that common to have a parent with these types of needs, Or at least if it is common I don’t hear people talking about it. I never truly realised my parents needs until I was well in to adulthood and working with parents with disabilities myself. Was like a light bulb moment.

I feel the same about feeling guilty for not being fond of them. If I’m really honest I find that I just dislike spending time with them so much. I feel I’m much less understanding of them that I would be if they were not my parent. It’s not something I can control though I just feel it.

I am almost certain both my parents are neurodiverse. They aren't diagnosed with anything (too stubborn, and wouldn't accept it anyway).

I was always aware even as a child my parents acted a little different, and some of their views about things were really strange. I always thought it was just a quirk but I was very aware they didn't act like my friend's parents in many ways. It was when 2 of my kids were diagnosed autistic and I learned about it, suddenly a lot of things seemed to make sense.

Now elderly, they display zero common sense, even although they are compos mentus, it's almost like they have no idea of thier limitations, or how to live safely. They blame everyone and everything else when they can't do something. My dad refuses to use walking aids so they choose to not do things because of my dad's mobility when a simple walking aid would allow them to be able to do it. When I try to reason with them, it is like I am talking in a foreign language, they just look through me as if they don't understand a word I am saying.

Obviously a lot of that can be put down to stubborness, however I am sure there is also something else going on there too. They just don't seem to understand basic common sense, and my mum anyway, is compos mentus. Appointments send my mum into chaos as 'it interrupts her day', she gets disproportionally annoyed if she has to wait for a bit longer than expected to be seen, and her emotional reactions to bad or worrying news aren't normal.

Very difficult to manage. I can relate to what you are saying.

My DS has recently been diagnosed with autism and I'm really wondering about my DM. Amongst other things, for years we've had issues with her and DF wanting to arrive early to things and leave early. She's done this at all manner of events, including funerals when she was staying with someone else, sporting events and the theatre, kids' birthday parties, and recently meeting me for a coffee (I'd explained I had something on beforehand but she went to the coffee shop at least half an hour early anyway then called to say she was there!). She gets really agitated about leaving early.

She also will try to reschedule meet ups to have them in her house, which I don't want to do every single time we meet.

It's really hard work and I don't have any explanation for it, and she's always got some excuse. I had thought it was mostly DF but he's in a care home and if anything it's gotten worse.

There's no way she'd go for any testing and I'm not sure there's any point now. It does mean I don't suggest going for days out though.

I can relate from firsthand experience. It is challenging because you have had a lifetime of misunderstanding each other due to having very different minds. And now they are becoming dependent on you.

It won’t be easy, but I think of this as a chance to get to know them better in a way that I couldn’t as a child. I can get a better understanding of what makes them tick and how things looked from their perspective.

It’s a frustrating process but I feel more grounded now and less bothered about past misunderstandings.

Is it easier to have compassion for others because they never had any duty of care towards you? Whereas your parents did have a duty of care, and by the sounds of it weren't able to fulfill it properly, leaving you to raise yourself in many ways.

And yet, they have higher expectations of you because you're their child, when they weren't able to fulfil the quite reasonable expectations placed on them as parents.

Don't feel guilty, even if they didn't mean to, they let you down. They put themselves and their wants first. They didn't NEED to have a child, they chose to.