How to deal with those who won't help themselves

[gymwars]

DF has been recovering from a serious illness and is in remission.

However, he's been left with various niggling issues because of his treatment, many of which could be managed if he was to take advice/put things into practice, but he doesn't. E.g. he's been saying his legs feel weak and he needs more exercise to build up his strength, so I suggested walking daily (starting with shorter ones) and he said he would do that but hasn't bothered. I've invited him on walks with me and he's done the odd one but I can't take him out every day because of other commitments.

The thing is, every time I see him he moans about one thing or another and it's getting me down. He asks me for advice, agrees with what I'm saying but then doesn't follow through. I know his mental health isn't good either which is probably the root cause for his lack of motivation, but he won't get help with that either!

How do you deal with this? Just nod along and show interest but not offer advice?

[rattymol]

When you have been seriously I'll the aftermath can be very challenging mentally. He agrees he should do these things but finds it hard to actually do them. Are there things he could build more naturally into a routine that don't require as much motivation? Things he enjoys. My dad used to like talking to the man who ran the local shop so would walk over and buy a newspaper every day.

[YellowMonday]

It's really tough.

A few years ago, my dad nearly died from sepsis. Coma with multi-system organ failure. Recovery was tough after speeding 8 weeks in hospital (4 weeks in ICU then 4 weeks on a ward) then rehab for 6 weeks.

I ended up using a combination of emotional blackmail and scheduling. I made all his physio appointments (daily) and organised rides when I couldn't help. I also setup a cleaner to come in twice weekly as it forced him to make an effort. When he was allowed to start walking, I would badger him into it, and learn on my family/friends network to be walking buddies (walk and coffee). Last resort, I used emotional blackmail.

At the time, horrible. Now, he's so thankful. Apart from daily antibiotics for the rest of his life and a terribly scarred leg (primary infection site), he's absolutely fine. I think I'm still dealing with it though haha.

[gymwars]

I know it's tough for him and I've given him so much support but I can feel my patience wearing thin. I'm avoiding seeing him so often because it's such a drain, then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

[watcherintherye]

His confidence is probably shot to pieces. It’s quite a shock when you realise that your body isn’t necessarily going to carry on working the way it always has.

Is there any chance of arranging for a companion/carer to pop in a couple of times a week (care company or private carer - doesn’t have to be personal care at all, just going for a walk, help to go shopping etc.), or for a physio to visit the house once a week? They could set up an exercise regime, even if just at home, at first, and it might give him the motivation to do something if he’s going to be asked about it the following week by someone who isn’t family!

You say he won’t do anything about his MH, but would he tolerate you organising and taking him to, say, a lunch club or something, just to get him out of the house? If he would let you, it might pay dividends in the long term, if you organised a few things which could then morph into a daily routine for him.

Would do you both good if it isn’t just you he’s relying on for companionship.

[gymwars]

@watcherintherye He has had a physio go and assess him, they gave him some weights to use and an exercise program - he did it for a couple of weeks and stopped bothering.

He wouldn't consider things like a lunch club, he thinks they're for old fogies and doesn't consider himself to be one.

I totally get that he's been through the mill and is struggling to come to terms with feeling older and weaker, but that won't change unless he accepts proper help. We even got an appointment with a counsellor over the phone to assess him, and then he said he didn't feel he needed counselling so it went no further.

I feel like if he could accept he needs mental health support, and actually goes ahead with that, the other things would follow.

[Orangesandlemons77]

I have found that age group to be funny about taking e.g. antidepressants which is a shame when it might help them.

[watcherintherye]

How does his shopping, clothes washing, housework etc. get done? Are you having to do it?

[Toddlerteaplease]

You can't. I had this with my friend. He pushed everyone away, didn't do the rehabilitation that he needed after a minor stroke. Refused all help that people offered and eventually it reached crisis point and he's now in a nursing home.

[Toddlerteaplease]

@gymwars

I know it's tough for him and I've given him so much support but I can feel my patience wearing thin. I'm avoiding seeing him so often because it's such a drain, then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

I get it. To be honest any love I had for my friend is long gone. He has absolutely no appreciation of the stress that he put me through. (It was the start of lockdown, which made things very tricky) And it was things he could have easily done, like sorting out a current account. He was adamant he didn't need one. I massively resent it now and he's oblivious.

[gymwars]

@watcherintherye

How does his shopping, clothes washing, housework etc. get done? Are you having to do it?

All that he manages himself. I was doing a lot for him but he's now pretty independent, although I cook some meals for him.

It's just the various niggles he has that he complains about every time I see him that gets me down.

[rattymol]

It's good that he manages everything for himself.
I have read research that the majority of people do not do their physio.
It might be better trying to find something he enjoys that involves walking. Or would he go on short local walks run by the nhs in many areas. Many older people will do this because they enjoy the company, they go for a coffee afterwards. And there tends to be more women than men so he might enjoy the attention.