Now joining the elderly parents club

[NotAHouse]

My parents have hit the magic age (70) when things seem to start going downhill for a particular subset of this antisocial and belligerent generation.

DM was hospitalised with depression after a attempt to unalive herself following a quick downward spiral. She's sectioned and due to be transferred to the local psych hospital over the next couple of days.

No real point to this thread, but just musing how some parents (like my in-laws) can be bright, fit and active, whereas some just seem to regress to a state of pure helplessness after a lifetime of telling you to butt out and mind your own business, then now expect you to pick up the pieces.

[InAMuddl]

@NotAHouse I could have written your post in many ways. How are you coping? I hope you have support around you for you as well. .

I’m really sorry to hear your Mum has had to be sectioned, but really hope it is helpful to her and they are able to give her the support she needs for her mental health. It’s a very tricky thing to deal with. I am finding it a lot more complex with the added age factor now as well.

I have often found myself wondering the same thing with regard to my parents and my ILs. My parents are slightly older (mid 70s) but the downward spiral started once 70 hit. My mother is currently in the midst of a manic episode and not hospitalised (but I am waiting for when that will be deemed necessary based on her current state) rather than her more usual depression.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I can only do so much and I need to look after myself first but that is hard going somedays when I find myself feeling a mixture of sorrow for them and frustration at the whole thing.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I really hope you’re both wrong! I’m in my 70s!

[Herecomesthemoon]

You are very rude. 70 year olds are not an anti social and belligerent generation. There are anti social and belligerent people in all age groups but most people of 70 are not like that.

[Toddlerteaplease]

@Herecomesthemoon

You are very rude. 70 year olds are not an anti social and belligerent generation. There are anti social and belligerent people in all age groups but most people of 70 are not like that.

My parents are certainly not like that!

[Milamight]

My dad is 79 and bloody fantastic company. Yes he has some health problems but who doesnt at that age?! He is a brilliant person and I find your language rude and ageist.

[FelicityBeedle]

OP has clearly differentiated between those who get older and become helpless demanding and unpleasant and the majority. No need to be so indignant

[Beamur]

🍷have a wine (maybe later) and a rant.
You sound very fed up. Would I be right in thinking your relationship with this parent is quite hard work generally?

[CalloohCallayFrabjousDay]

I noticed that my dad (who has always been belligerent), has got much worse after turning 70... my mum passed around the same time and he doesn't do anything for himself- I am expected to do everything for him. He doesn't know how to pay a bill or even how much stuff costs. He has become helpless and won't even try to do stuff for himself. It's so frustrating and draining.

He's announced that he wants to sell the house and move into a flat. I've said that if he wants to do that then he will have to deal with solicitors and estate agents himself, I'm not doing anything for him. Hopefully that will put him off of doing it!

[maranella]

I don't know the answer OP. My grandparents fell into the two camps - one set retired and were suddenly and irretrievably 'old'. To be fair, both suffered with serious ill health (one dementia, the other Parkinson's). The other set though were hale and jolly until early 80s (grandad) and early 90s (grandma). It's a mix of things I suppose - health, general robustness - both mentally and physically, and state of mind. If you think you're too old to do things and won't push yourself to get out and be social and active, I think you probably feel old. If you make a conscious effort to get on with things, generally speaking, I think you do.

[NotAHouse]

Oh gosh. Before I read the comments in detail, just wanted to quickly say I wrote that (in tears) in the wrong order. I was trying to say a biligerant subset of this generation. Not that everyone is like that. Case in point, my in laws, who are the total opposite.

Apologies for any offense, my typing error!

[NotAHouse]

@FelicityBeedle

OP has clearly differentiated between those who get older and become helpless demanding and unpleasant and the majority. No need to be so indignant

Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say.

[NotAHouse]

@Beamur

🍷have a wine (maybe later) and a rant.
You sound very fed up. Would I be right in thinking your relationship with this parent is quite hard work generally?

Correct! I think my dad has undiagnosed autism and my mother has a personality disorder. They are difficult and unpleasant to delay with in different ways, but our relationship is strained at the best of times.

[NotAHouse]

@maranella

I don't know the answer OP. My grandparents fell into the two camps - one set retired and were suddenly and irretrievably 'old'. To be fair, both suffered with serious ill health (one dementia, the other Parkinson's). The other set though were hale and jolly until early 80s (grandad) and early 90s (grandma). It's a mix of things I suppose - health, general robustness - both mentally and physically, and state of mind. If you think you're too old to do things and won't push yourself to get out and be social and active, I think you probably feel old. If you make a conscious effort to get on with things, generally speaking, I think you do.

I think this is it. Mum is deeply pessimistic and her outlook on life is not a healthy one.

[maranella]

I think my dad has un-diagnosed autism and my mother has a personality disorder. 

I suspect that's a big part of it OP. Pessimism/depression also get worse I think as people get older. I've certainly seen a 70+ relative with depression and anxiety get worse as she's got older. She also has a serious health condition now too, which no doubt adds to her anxiety. Age seems to amplify the more difficult parts of people's characters!

[RainbowUtensils]

Just to hop on to say I now realise I'm joining this club too. My mum is 69 and my sibling and I have realised that the mental health crisis she's had since our Dad died two years ago is not going to get better. She's regressed to being entirely helpless, calls on us all the time while thinking she's fine and refusing more formal help. The thought that this could be the next 20 or 30 years of our lives is overwhelming and heartbreaking. 69 isn't elderly, but it's scary how quickly things can change for a person. Just ugh, all of it.

[NotAHouse]

@RainbowUtensils

Just to hop on to say I now realise I'm joining this club too. My mum is 69 and my sibling and I have realised that the mental health crisis she's had since our Dad died two years ago is not going to get better. She's regressed to being entirely helpless, calls on us all the time while thinking she's fine and refusing more formal help. The thought that this could be the next 20 or 30 years of our lives is overwhelming and heartbreaking. 69 isn't elderly, but it's scary how quickly things can change for a person. Just ugh, all of it.

Exactly. I have a needy child (although thankfully a brilliant husband) and I can't look after her as well as both my parents, I'll go mad myself!

[Azealeasinbloom]

Oh dear , OP, that sounds very difficult. I am 60, so accelerating towards that age myself. I have had the role of carer for elderly parents and MIL ( all now gone) in the recent past.
My observation is that some sort of primal survival instinct kicks in, ( clearly not in your mum’s case) and ageing can be accompanied by an increasingly selfish attitude.
I only got through it with mental detachment and copious wine

Call in the professionals and focus on your own child. It’s very very hard being pulled in all directions.

[Hedonism]

Exactly. I have a needy child (although thankfully a brilliant husband) and I can't look after her as well as both my parents, I'll go mad myself!

Welcome to the sandwich generation. I'm a newbie too. Feeling a bit apprehensive about the next few years, and trying to work out how much of myself I could / should give.