Paid visitor in an NH?

[PermanentTemporary]

To keep things very brief, my mum had a severe stroke 18 months ago an hour away, and I visit her weekly. My sister and brother are overseas. Her partner, siblings and friends are all dead. The nursing home staff are lovely but of course time for interaction is limited. Mum can't read or really take in very much from TV or music. I work full time and it's not realistic to visit her more often.

I'm thinking about paying someone to be a companion visitor during the week. Has anyone done this?

[Mosaic123]

Did she belong to any organisations before she went into the care home? A church, WI or similar? Perhaps there are volunteer visitors available?

[PermanentTemporary]

One of the problems in the situation is that in the early months after her stroke her behaviour was so challenging that she had to be moved to a specialist care centre in another county. Even before the stroke though, my mum was the most antisocial person in the world. Her boyfriend was married to someone else and she mostly refused to see people in case she missed out on his random dropping in on her.

Im answering my own question. She's unlikely to want or respond to a stranger popping in. What I'm actually trying to manage is my own guilt at not seeing her more, plus the staff looking disappointed every time I leave.

[AnnaMagnani]

Are you 100% certain the staff look disappointed when you leave or is that your guilt talking?

[PermanentTemporary]

Im 100% sure that they do AND my guilt is talking 😄

[AnnaMagnani]

I only say this because in all my years in healthcare, I don't recall being that invested in when relatives visit or not (and often staff are quite pleased when they are gone because they you can get stuff done)

So given how guilty you feel, could you be misinterpreting what to the staff is a throwaway comment 'Lovely to see you, shame it couldn't be longer' as genuine judgement on their part.

[VerityUnreasonble]

I know a few people who pay 1:1 carers to go into care homes for various reasons, additional companionship or specific activities the home doesn't provide/ trips out. Particularly if family are distant and can't visit regularly.

Some people get a lot from it.

[Merha]

A friend of mine has paid carers from a private care company who visit her mum in her nursing come. They seem to send the same handful of people in during the week (daily one hour visits) so they've had a chance to get familiar with each other. I think they just chat, but they could perhaps read out loud to somebody who isn't able to talk.
Hope that's helpful.

[PermanentTemporary]

Oh God @AnnaMagnani I get out of the building and cry in the car when they say things like that. 2 weeks ago one pulled a face as I left and said 'but she was sooo enjoying the company'.

[PermanentTemporary]

Oh thank you @VerityUnreasonble and @Merha. Worth thinking about then.

[AnnaMagnani]

@PermanentTemporary

Oh God @AnnaMagnani I get out of the building and cry in the car when they say things like that. 2 weeks ago one pulled a face as I left and said 'but she was sooo enjoying the company'.

Oh dear, I doubt they put as much meaning in to the comments as you do. And if they knew you were crying in the car they would be mortified.

Staff in care homes know how difficult these visits are, especially to someone who has entirely changed from the person you know and love. Just coming at all is fantastic on your part.

[helpfulperson]

I agree that staff probably don't mean it they way you are interpreting it but it certainly wouldn't be unusual to pay someone to visit once or twice a week. Is there something your mum particularly enjoys like music or a TV programme or particular books that someone visiting could focus on doing with her?

[JennyMule]

OP I act as LPA or Deputy for a number of clients and for many who are care home residents I arrange for a paid befriender to visit, either because they have no family, or to supplement the visits made by family members. If you think your mum would enjoy the company, go for it.

[Chowtime]

Lots of people pay for additional 1:1 care for their elderly residents in care homes.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

OP I once worked in a psychogeriatric home and I can tell you a weekly visit from a loving daughter is more than most patients get, and we wouldn't have been remotely critical. You should not feel guilty at all.

We were mildly judgemental about the man who brought his new partner on weekly visits to his wife (new partner since her dementia) but we got over it once we saw how regularly they came, and how kindly they were towards her.

[Mum5net]

In one of DM’s places, sometimes a favourite staff member was paid extra by a family to come in on their own time to sit with their Dad.
Honestly, I went no more than once every ten days to see my wee mum. You should not feel bad.
DMil is v anti social in her care home and was not in any of the 84 Coronation Party photos posted on Facebook from her home’s special party.
She has by the sounds of it, a team
of well trained people around her ( apart from sour face guilt tripper staff member). If she was still in her own place she’d hardly be seeing anyone. That’s how I dealt with it

[autienotnaughtym]

Whe my grandad was in a care home we paid the care staff to visit him 3x a week for an hour on top of his care package.

[BinaryDot]

Hi PermanentTemporary. I do this. I found someone who went freelance but used to work for a care agency: she was known by a neighbour of DM's. She's not employed as a carer but as a visitor (but the care experience is handy as she's comfortable in the care home setting). I pay her what I used to pay the care agency, which is £25 / hour. If she wasn't able to do it I would pay the previous agency DM had briefly, you can pay for 4 hours a week minimum (that would be a couple of visits with some quality time IME) or there are a couple of local women who used to do shopping for DM during Covid and cleaning and they would likely be up for it - they don't need to be care qualified, just nice and patient. I don't live near her, that's part of the reason, the other is I have my limits. As pp have said, it's not uncommon for people to do this, it sounds expensive but it's a drop in the ocean compared to the care home fees.

[Makingupfactstosuitmyagenda]

Home Instead will do this. My parent has care at home from a similar agency local to her and her carer does this with a client in a home.

[CrispyTofu]

The local CVS will have a voluntary Be-Friending Service. They can assign your mum a volunteer 'friend' to visit weekly, always the same person and they will try and fine someone with similar interests, so they have something to chat about.

[Chowtime]

The Befriending service is extremely short of volunteers and those that do volunteer ususally go to visit people in their own homes on the basis that people in care homes at least have other people around them.

[PermanentTemporary]

Im so grateful for all your thoughts. I'm definitely not going to look for a volunteer as she's almost completely nonverbal and I think that's too much for a volunteer.

I do think the best option is to pay for additional time from an existing staff member so many thanks, I hadn't considered that.

[CrispyTofu]

@Chowtime

The Befriending service is extremely short of volunteers and those that do volunteer ususally go to visit people in their own homes on the basis that people in care homes at least have other people around them.

This will differ from area to area, where I live this is something that the CVS voluntary befriending service would absolutely do. People in care homes can still be lonely and voluntary befriending schemes do not discriminate in my experience.