Idiots guide (place to share tips) for contact proof and proof of life

[Lamelie]

Not a taat, although I’ll link to this thread there…
Over the years I’ve seen threads where elderly relatives living alone are uncontactable. Obviously in a crisis is not the best time to go through the daily text/ key safe/ neighbour details that would resolve this. So please add your ideas for avoiding such a scenario. I’m not talking about how many times do you chat to your granny or dealing with relatives with Alzheimer’s/ reduced capacity etc. just black and white, “shit, is she dead and short of calling the police what can I do?”

Have neighbours’ names and phone numbers
Have a key/ key safe/ know code
Daily phone call/ text/ more subtly do wordle/ worldle
Know priest/ shopkeeper/ pub staff

Please add!

[EmotionalBlackmail]

The trouble is actually getting the elderly person on board with any of this - mine refuses to have a key safe, didn't have a spare key with anyone local (have talked her round on this one so there are now a couple of people within a 30 min drive who have a key), doesn't want to 'bother' the neighbours about anything, refuses to use the electronic prescription service so her prescription details aren't on the NHS central spine (ie if she were admitted when GP closed no one would know what medication she's on), doesn't go to the same places consistently each week so no one would spot if she was missing.

[Clymene]

You go behind their back then @EmotionalBlackmail. Talk to their neighbour and ask if they will keep a key and ask if they would be willing to check up on them if you can't contact them.

And give the neighbours your number.

But also I think you have to bully them a bit. Tell them it's not bloody fair. Because it isn't.

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

That sounds great but my mother in law, although not in the best of health, lived alone and had no friends within walking distance. We had an agreement that we would text each other every day but on those days when she didn't reply within 30 mins or so we realised we had no back up plan for that! Having a number of a younger, fitter friend or two nearby would have made a big difference.

[PermanentTemporary]

My mother had lovely neighbours who kept an eye on her and we exchanged contact details in case of any issues.

Mum hated it and kept the curtains drawn on any windows they could see through.

It's really easy to think you can fix things and prevent problems but tbh my mum would quite genuinely rather have died after 2 days alone on her floor than have her privacy breached. Her choice.

[Lamelie]

@PermanentTemporary

My mother had lovely neighbours who kept an eye on her and we exchanged contact details in case of any issues.

Mum hated it and kept the curtains drawn on any windows they could see through.

It's really easy to think you can fix things and prevent problems but tbh my mum would quite genuinely rather have died after 2 days alone on her floor than have her privacy breached. Her choice.

I’m sorry @PermanentTemporary
Its about balancing I guess the elderly persons autonomy and dignity and your right not to have the beejaysus scared out of you or regular panicky wasted journeys.
DH and I respectively text our ep every morning our wordle/ worldle scores. Mine particularly resisted all neighbours with keys scenarios etc and I doubt he knew the game was my morning proof out life for him.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

A friend pointed out to me that you don't have to go and be the one that deals with every emergency. I found that really helpful as realistically I can't just drop everything and do a 4-5 hour round trip if she's failed to respond to a text message.

You can encourage them to put stuff in place but you can't make them, and ultimately it's their responsibility (assuming they have capacity).

[Borntobeamum]

I found there came a point when I had to be the adult.
Simple as that.
My Mum was unable to ‘parent’ me because she was in the midst of dementia.
She soon accepted I was now in charge of her, in the nicest possible way x

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Make sure neighbours, window cleaner, milkman have your number. Though perhaps not if you’re 2hours drive away.

I had spyware on Dad’s computer. And got him to agree to email me every day.

[Makingupfactstosuitmyagenda]

@EmotionalBlackmail yes - the tips are great if they work for some but ultimately it’s down to the adult if they have capacity. Your user name is relevant here - I get so fed up of the ‘should have, could have’ criticism levelled at children doing the caring with no thought for their personal circumstances. I’m not having a pop @Lamelie; sharing tips is great, I’ve picked up on so many here but I’ve been in survival mode for the last 11 years. I pick my battles and put in some boundaries. Over a decade of this has also shifted my perspective - if an adult has chosen to refuse medical help/not move to sensible accommodation/not have an emergency access plan then that’s their choice and they can live with the consequences (or not).

[Motnight]

Tried all of this with my MIL.

She still ended up lying on the floor for 2 days as refused to wear her alarm. She had double locked her door so having a keysafe and spare key were of no help whatsoever, and police had to break the door down.

And at the end of all of that she accused us of spying on her as we suggested that a ring doorbell (which we would pay for) might be useful for her as she had become bedbound.

Some people find it very difficult to accept that they might need help from others.

[Allthegoodnamesarechosen]

Just a word about neighbours, though. People often assume that ‘neighbours’ will step up to the plate for absent or distant family members, irrespective of whether the neighbours have had a previous relationship ( positive) with the family member, or are in a position to help, given that people tend to live in neighbourhoods consisting of similar people.

We had an elderly neighbour, a man of surpassing unpleasantness to whom we had in a misplaced moment of welcome, given our phone number. Cue endless calls at unsocial hours , asking ( insisting) on our doing things for , or with, him .

we got pretty fed up with it. His children, of whom there were seven, tried hard to get us to assume responsibility : ‘o will you have a key/ keep an eye on him etc. ‘ (because we don’t want to).

Even if we had liked him, or he had been child free, my DH was very far from well himself at the time. We couldn’t just assume responsibility because it suited other peoples time management.

[Lamelie]

Completely agree with you all about boundaries. There’s no fool safe way ensuring they’re safe and ultimately it’s the individual’s responsibility. This is just to share tips and avoid the shouldawouldacoulda scenarios!

[Makingupfactstosuitmyagenda]

@Lamelie ive often said that we could do with some permanent info covering off points for carers. Posts get pushed down and lost. Would be good to have a post stick at the top for quick reference.

[TheShellBeach]

What happened in that thread yesterday?
I saw it had been deleted. Did the OP find out what had happened?

[Makingupfactstosuitmyagenda]

I went back to look and it had been deleted at the OP’s request. I can’t recall the exact words but there was a hint it didn’t end well 😔apparently the OP did update before deletion but I didn’t see that.

[TheShellBeach]

@Makingupfactstosuitmyagenda

I went back to look and it had been deleted at the OP’s request. I can’t recall the exact words but there was a hint it didn’t end well 😔apparently the OP did update before deletion but I didn’t see that.

Oh no! Poor woman - I think everyone was expecting the OP to update with something about her mother being annoyed she'd been disturbed - but it sounds like it wasn't that at all. That's terrible.

[TheShellBeach]

@Makingupfactstosuitmyagenda

@Lamelie ive often said that we could do with some permanent info covering off points for carers. Posts get pushed down and lost. Would be good to have a post stick at the top for quick reference.

That's such a good idea. I wonder if we can persuade MN to do this?

[WorriedAboutMum2023]

I'm the original poster. I did speak to the neighbour who gave me his number. In hindsight mum needn't have ever known. The biggest oversight was not having the keysafe number as a phone contact and testing it myself. Also mum wasn't ill. So no real expection of anything rather than a fall. I think bi-weekly calls or a agreement that will send for help if no reply to calls after 24 hours. I just didn't think we was at that stage. So get it all done early, before you think it's needed.

[Lamelie]

@WorriedAboutMum2023 I’m so sorry.
Sadly I’ve very recently lost my beloved next of kin and I’m in full admin mode, also can advise on what works to get you through via my work. I’ll send you a hello pm and feel free to buddy up

[ruthieness]

We had a device with an app on the kettle plug so we could see how many cups of tea and when!

(now we have 3 spy cameras in the house)

[Clymene]

I'm so sorry to hear that @WorriedAboutMum2023

[WorriedAboutMum2023]

I had never thought about a apple watch until I posted on Friday, but I think this would in hindsight been the best idea. If I had seen it hadn't moved I could have phoned her sooner. She had her fall alarm on so the next thing is checking it worked. If it did I know she would pressed it at some point unless it was a catastrophic event. But knowing even if she died instantly I'm going to be kicking myself forever that we didn't know for days. It could run off a sim so her lack of Internet would be irrelevant. Even it it went flat I could have phoned. Mind you she didn't have her watch on either at the time.

[WorriedAboutMum2023]

I had never thought about a apple watch until I posted on Friday, but I think this would in hindsight been the best idea. If I had seen it hadn't moved I could have phoned her sooner. She had her fall alarm on so the next thing is checking it worked. If it did I know she would pressed it at some point unless it was a catastrophic event. But knowing even if she died instantly I'm going to be kicking myself forever that we didn't know for days. It could run off a sim so her lack of Internet would be irrelevant. Even it it went flat I could have phoned. Mind you she didn't have her watch on either at the time.

[margaritainthesunshine]

My elderly dad lives alone but is thankfully really tech savvy. He has a Ring doorbell (his mobility isn't great), a pendant alarm, is in lots of WhatsApp groups and is a good texter/answerer of phone. The best thing we did though was get him an Alexa. He loved the idea of us being able to send voice memos using it and he also uses it to create shopping lists which he sends to me. He also enjoys listening to music on it too.

So if you set it all up and write down the key phrases, E.g Alexa, add bleach to the shopping list' or Alexa, send a text to Margarita', this might work? It's a good and easy way to keep in touch if they're willing to try!

[margaritainthesunshine]

@WorriedAboutMum2023 I was watching your thread and I don't know what happened but I have been thinking of you.