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Elderly parents

Just need to vent

9 replies

boxtrot · 04/05/2023 14:32

I know no one can help, but just to vent about how hard it all is. My father has dementia, but he is only 73 and a nightmare to manage. He's been sectioned and is currently in a hospital but he's ready to leave there and neither I or his social worker can find any care home that will take him. I just don't know what to do. We can't have him because we are in a tiny house with two under fives (and frankly I've always had a very difficult relationship with him.) He's funded under s.117 and has no savings at all. What happens if they just can't find anywhere for him to go? The hospital needs him out. I just don't know what to do anymore.

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Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 04/05/2023 14:39

The hospital can't release him until there is somewhere safe for him to go. Stand firm, he is more likely to be found a place at a home if he is "bed blocking" than if he were anywhere else. If you offer to have him even temporarily, or look after him in his own home he will be considered off their hands. You have my sympathies op, dementia is horrible for everyone.

Stressybetty · 04/05/2023 14:42

Some useful information here. The hospital and care professionals should have done a discharge assessment and if he's been sectioned from the info given looks like he would need a high level of care. Up to the hospital and social worker, mental health services to find a place for him. He would stay in hospital until they do, there are no other options and you need to be very firm that you cannot accommodate him. They give a dementia helpline on that page for advice. Alzheimer's society cover dementia as well and are very good.

boxtrot · 05/05/2023 13:41

Thanks so much for your responses. It feels incredibly isolating. To be fair to the council, they aren't trying to send him to me - I think mainly because he is so difficult to deal with. He has been sectioned, which is why he's in hospital at the moment. I've gone through his discharge assessment and to be fair to the care homes, I can see why they don't want him either. I'm just worried that the council will either end up sending him too far away for me to visit (I would still go, but there's obvs a huge difference between having him half an hour away and two hours away). Can they send him to places that the CQC say requires improvement? There may be one place that might be able to take him in a few weeks.

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Z0rr0 · 05/05/2023 13:45

Does he have capacity to decide on his care for himself? If not he should be subject to a DoLS and the DoLS assessor will make recommendations in consultation with you and the professionals involved in his case for where is the least restrictive option for him to go. It's on social services to find somewhere and the hospital won't release him until a suitable place is found. I had a client who stayed in hospital for 8 weeks after she was cleared for discharge.

Dinopawus · 05/05/2023 13:50

A lovely man from the Alzheimer's UK helpline was so kind to me when I had a similar issue with DM. Just by listening and believing in me, he gave me the confidence to say NO to the hospital.

As NewYear points out, the hospital cant release him until there is someone to go, but often this means trying to persuade relatives to accept people as a "temporary" measure. Except of course it's never temporary as once discharged to family they are considered safe...

You need to be firm here and let them deal with it. Your children have to come first. Just keep saying no. Say it's for safeguarding reasons (DF and DC) if they don't here you.

Z0rr0 · 05/05/2023 13:56

If the hospital really needs him out they might find a care home which accepts patients on a 'discharge to assess' or 'step down' pathway. Depending on how well he is and able to tolerate further moves this might be a good thing or not.

boxtrot · 05/05/2023 14:07

He doesn't have capacity to decide on his own care. Yes, I think him and the 1 and 3 year old as a combination would be... well, impossible basically. I think social services recognise that. I'm just worried that if they can't find anywhere near him, they'll keep widening the circle and then who knows where he will end up?

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Swishhh · 07/05/2023 10:47

I’ve been in exactly the same situation, my DM was going to be moved to a temporary home as part of the winter pressure bed scheme because she’d been in hospital so long.
We emailed the placement team so many suggestions for homes and I also phoned probably about 40 myself. Most weren’t interested once I mention my DM’s section and the placement team found the same.
. In the end we got lucky and one said they’d take her, I viewed an hour after I got the call and she moved the next day.
Basically I had to be really proactive, i viewed 10 homes and made it clear to the hospital I couldn’t be doing more to try and find somewhere suitable for my DM.
I really hope you can find somewhere soon, you must be so stressed.

boxtrot · 08/05/2023 21:05

Thanks so much, @Swishhh Everything's been shut over the bank holiday so no way of moving forward. Back on it next week. I'm just going through his report again, and can't really see why any care home would ever take him tbh. AArgh.

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