Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Elderly parents

How do you get stubbon elderly parent to listen?

16 replies

Ellemeg82 · 03/05/2023 14:53

My mum is 75, always generally been active and in good health. But the last 2 years her health has been declining.
She's lost weight and is very thin, her stomach is bloated, her hair has thinned, she looks frail.

However this is a women who hasn't seen a doctor since I was born 40yrs ago! She absolutely outright refuses any kind of medical treatment or being seen for anything.

For example I'm certain a year ago she broke her arm and she wouldn't seek help as she fell and then couldn't move it. She just held it for weeks and it still doesn't seem right.
Over the years she's been poorly and probably needed antibiotics but has never seen a GP etc. Her teeth have also all fallen out yet she won't see a dentist.

There's something wrong now and I'm worried. Both my grandparents (mums parents) died of bowel cancer and I'm worried about this weight loss and bloating. Her appetite is still there but she's never been a big eater.

How can I get through to her. She won't listen to my dad or anyone else. She just buries her head in the sand and changes the subject when you mention anything to do with health.
My dad is also battling advanced prostate cancer which she won't acknowledge.
My dad just says it's how she is and let her get on with it but I can't.

Please tell me I'm not alone in dealing with a parent this stubbon?!

OP posts:

Report

CMOTDibbler · 03/05/2023 15:09

Honestly, if she's managed to ignore things like a broken arm and her teeth falling out, I think you need to accept that she isn't going to change the habits of 40 years. One last thing you could try is if you tell her outright that she needs to get checked out for your dads sake as she needs to be well for him, but it sounds like she has very deep seated issues about health

Makingupfactstosuitmyagenda · 05/05/2023 23:04

Sounds like my MIL. She accepted help only at the very end. It drove her children and me to distraction. Fast forward 8 years and my own DF died after exhaustive medical treatment and I can kind of see her point of view. Well, at least more so than I did at the time.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 05/05/2023 23:17

It seems fairly common for elderly parents to be quite difficult to help, you are not alone.
When my own mum was failing I drove myself insane trying to keep her going. She ended up dying in hospital because I was desperately trying to get NHS continuing health care for her and if I’d have taken her home my battle would have to start over. I have never forgiven myself, she just wanted to be back in familiar surroundings. I cared for my dad in my home for the following 3 years, he had prostate cancer among other things. When he said he didn’t want any more treatment I understand as did he I’m sure the implication of that decision and he died in my home some time after. So long as they have capacity to know what they want we have to accept our parents are grown ups and entitled to make decisions about their health even if they may shorten their lives. Hugs. X

justasking111 · 05/05/2023 23:26

Your dad is right, let her be. My dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He refused any treatment just decided that he was ready to go.

PermanentTemporary · 06/05/2023 04:45

It is so hard worrying about declining parents.

Agreed that if your mum won't visit a doctor for a broken arm she is telling you very clearly her wishes to stay clear of medical treatment. I hate to say it but perhaps you need to listen as well? I'm a health care professional and avoid treatment as much as possible myself, I think too many people are kept in a kind of medicalised half life for much too long.

Ladybug14 · 06/05/2023 04:57

Allow her to make her own choices and live and die in her own way

Is her poor health detrimentally affecting your Dad?

AnnaMagnani · 06/05/2023 08:22

You let her be and make her own choices.

She is the person she is and you can't change her into someone else, especially after 70+ years.

Azealeasinbloom · 06/05/2023 08:30

My mum was similar. Very stoic. Did not want to trouble anyone, or seem weak.
She died of untreated cancer.

Having had cancer treatment myself, which was successful, but very tough, I can understand that if I had been older, my decisions may have been different, and I would insist on my right to make my own decision.

Sorry you have this worry, but if you believe she is mentally competent, then please support her by accepting her decision.

NotTooOldPaul · 06/05/2023 17:38

I'd be very angry if my son or daughter tried to interfere and get involved in any medical treatment that i need. I am 76 and we at hospital last week, I'm sure my children know about it as I posted about it on Facebook. I might be 76 but since I've been looking after my own health since I left home 59 years ago I think I can continue.

Ragwort · 06/05/2023 17:56

You sound like my DM NotToo - she is 90 and hates me 'worrying' about her, she is very feisty and independent but she is becoming frail (understandably) but continues to insist she is 'absolutely fine' and doesn't want/need any help. I have to accept it but know full well that if she has an accident or fall I would need to care for her. I don't know what the answer is, I just try not to fuss.

LaGiaconda · 06/05/2023 18:05

I think you can write to her GP - presumably your parents are registered at a practice even if she never goes - and state your concerns. It is likely that the GP will then contact your mother. While the likelihood is that she will refuse help from them, at least then there'll be something on the records. This might help if there were to be a medical emergency later.

BeenThereTooo · 06/05/2023 18:08

Speak to her GP and they could call her on on the pretext of an annual check up but she is not obliged to go. This is all you can do unless you want to take it further and question her capacity.

OhcantthInkofaname · 06/05/2023 18:29

Ellemeg82 · 03/05/2023 14:53

My mum is 75, always generally been active and in good health. But the last 2 years her health has been declining.
She's lost weight and is very thin, her stomach is bloated, her hair has thinned, she looks frail.

However this is a women who hasn't seen a doctor since I was born 40yrs ago! She absolutely outright refuses any kind of medical treatment or being seen for anything.

For example I'm certain a year ago she broke her arm and she wouldn't seek help as she fell and then couldn't move it. She just held it for weeks and it still doesn't seem right.
Over the years she's been poorly and probably needed antibiotics but has never seen a GP etc. Her teeth have also all fallen out yet she won't see a dentist.

There's something wrong now and I'm worried. Both my grandparents (mums parents) died of bowel cancer and I'm worried about this weight loss and bloating. Her appetite is still there but she's never been a big eater.

How can I get through to her. She won't listen to my dad or anyone else. She just buries her head in the sand and changes the subject when you mention anything to do with health.
My dad is also battling advanced prostate cancer which she won't acknowledge.
My dad just says it's how she is and let her get on with it but I can't.

Please tell me I'm not alone in dealing with a parent this stubbon?!

I know this probably isn't the right answer, but I had a friend who had this issue with her mother 20 years ago. She sat her mother down and asked her to help plan her funeral. She explained to mom that the changes she saw worried her. That tactic worked with her.

InSpainTheRain · 06/05/2023 18:30

My Dad was very similar to your Mum. I think you have to let them make their own decisions and don't try to control them. Yes you'll worry, but it is her choice.

SeaToSki · 06/05/2023 18:45

Quality of life rather than quantity of life is something many people prefer.

You want her to seek medical treatment, is that because you want her to live longer? That is (sorry to say it) a selfish perspective.

Each person should be able to, imho, decide how they want to live and that includes decide if they want to extend it with medical treatment or just let nature take its course, whatever that might be.

Can you try to make sure your DM is happy with her choices and then just support her in them?

Ellemeg82 · 10/05/2023 14:44

Thank you for the replies. Just an update, my dad persuaded her to go to the GP this morning. She wouldn't have my dad go in the room with her but was in there half hour apparently. They're doing an urgent referral for a scan and some blood tests to find out what's going on with her bloated abdomen as something isn't right at all.

OP posts:

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.