How to gently do this

[AssertiveGertrude]

My relative is becoming obsessed with talking about the toilet in a rude way

I think it’s a bit of attention but they ring with another excuse and then talk about xyz (really too much detail)

I have to be polite because I want to be kind but also they are not a direct relative and I don’t want to fall out with others

at the moment I avoid calls and I don’t want to do that. Could I say ‘that’s a private matter and change the subject?’
I find them hard to converse with as we have so little in common at the best of times
maybe just ignore ?

I know I need to be kind but I just wish it wasn’t going down this road

As you can tell from my user name I am trying to get better boundaries 🥲 I’ve been walked on my whole life and just feel used a lot

What are they saying? Why do you think they are being rude to you?

Why do you need to be kind about it?

It’s just I am not that close to this person (not a blood relative) yet because I am the wife I get the moaning and had to block them from ringing

I have no patience

I'll guess it's your fil?
Do they already have a dementia type illness. Loss of boundaries and impulse control is a grim thing to deal with. Don't speak to them any more and let the rest of the family know why.

I have pulled away as they are quite judgmental but I just feel guilty about it
they are very old and it’s probably the lack of boundaries and memory loss - yes

I will try to be more empathetic

I have my own family issues on my side (mother with depressive bullying behaviour) and dh rings his parents daily for about 60 seconds just to check in

but they ring me with all this toilet nonsense talk and moaning so I’ve blocked the number and dh hasn’t said a word but they will have told him my phones not working I’m sure but I just feel because I am female the my expect me to take on this emotional work and I don’t want to

It's unreasonable of the male relative to do this, and hopefully DH would agree and support you. Blocking him may be the best solution here.

The whole family are so polite and never deal with anything (it’s hard to explain)
I have kept everyone at arms length and let dh deal with his relatives but I know they a disappointed in me for not taking on more responsibility

I know they a disappointed in me for not taking on more responsibility
Tough titty. That's their problem. Not yours.

I used to work in a largely male environment and funnily enough they would just.not.be.guilttripped.
If a bloke were being rung by his MiL to discuss toilet matters when his DW was speaking to her parents 60 secs a day tops, who on earth would expect him to put up with it or to put himself out? NOBODY that's who. Hold fast to that thought!

Tough titty 😆😆I will keep that thought

I know dh doesn’t get too involved himself but his mother was a total walkover. Shes lived a tough life and is seeking a lot of attention

thats not my fault though and his family don’t know how much is going on in my own life

it just makes me so angry and I care less and less about his family when they don’t care about me if truth be told - I probably seem odd to them