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Elderly parents

Getting parent to accept help from someone that isn't me

17 replies

falstaff1980 · 24/04/2023 17:25

I don't have time to keep up with all my ailing parents needs, along with my two-year-old daughter and fulltime job. I do 'work from parents' for my IT job most days, and only go in to the office for the occasional meeting, but I really miss the office. My work day at my parents is frequently interrupted helping my mother with the computer or finding her glasses, and my dad needs help having a bath which is just something both me and him keep putting off 'till tomorrow'. My parents do have enough of a pension and savings to pay for a bit of professional help, but they are resistant to it. I'd like to get a cleaner in for a few hours a week, and someone to help wash my dad, but it seems they prefer to have cobwebs hanging from ceiling corners and going weeks without a wash rather than have strangers in the house. It seems my only options are burn myself out trying to do everything, or just let things go and tolerate seeing the house a mess and my parents not keeping up with their personal care.

OP posts:
Choconut · 24/04/2023 17:35

Maybe you could be proactive and bring someone in - ie I've paid for a cleaner for two weeks for you so you can see how it works out, I'll be here for her first visit. They might just need it foisted on them so they can see that the person is nice and a big help to them. I think carers are really hard to find though, and good ones even more so, so that might be more tricky. Could they get a walk in shower or have their bathroom modified to enable him to bath himself?

Beamur · 24/04/2023 17:40

What about a cleaner coming while you are at the house? That way it's less intrusive for them.
Say you just can't keep doing it, you have your own house to keep etc.

falstaff1980 · 24/04/2023 17:47

"Could they get a walk in shower or have their bathroom modified to enable him to bath himself?" - I've suggested this countless times now, answers always a 'no' with not the least bit of hesitation :-(

I wonder if I don't talk about a bathing, and don't offer to help, who will crack first? Me or my father (who must be fed up feeling unclean)?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 24/04/2023 18:03

It sounds like you're struggling to focus on work in your current setup so I'd be inclined to tell a white lie and say you'd been told you have to come back to the office and therefore they need to put these measures in place to help instead. You need to make sure you don't sacrifice your job/ financial stability.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 24/04/2023 18:08

While you carry on doing it they'll carry on not getting anyone else to help. So stop, and see what happens. And go in to the office so they can't keep interrupting you - I assume DD is in nursery or something.

And if they want to live in a filthy home and not wash, well, it's their home so that's their choice.

Topseyt123 · 24/04/2023 18:18

Go into the office every day and work there, not at their house. Tell them that the policy regarding working from home has changed and therefore you can't work from their house anymore.

If you are not there then they can't expect anything of you. If you are there then they will so stop being so available. Tell them you'll help them find a cleaner and a carer to help with the personal care as the new work policy means you can no longer do these jobs. If they won't listen to that then they have been warned. Go back to work (I mean the office) and let them discover how hard it will be. Don't back down, you can't go on like this.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 24/04/2023 18:20

Stop working from your parents house for a start!

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 24/04/2023 18:25

Tell them that work have insisted you go into the office every day from now on, so why don't you help them get a cleaner and carer for when you're not there.

Whilst you're around to do things for them, they won't feel like they need help, so step back, put someone else in your place and then increase their hours as necessary.

rookiemere · 24/04/2023 18:45

What others have said - lie and say you need to go into the office for your job, and both you and your DF are putting off the bath because it's just not right that you should be put in that position when they have other options available.

CMOTDibbler · 24/04/2023 19:05

IME blaming someone else is always the way to go. Tell them you have to go to the office now, and as you'll be there you absolutely need them to get a cleaner as you can't do it all, and you have found this lovely lady x who Janice in the office recommended (lie through your teeth) who is going to pop in and do that. The first time your selected cleaner goes there you'll need to be there to make sure they don't send them away, and just be really firm that it is Too Much for you. Unfortunatly this stage of what I think of as parenting your parent is really hard to start with, and the lying doesn't come easily, but when the logical explanation and negotiation doesn't work its got to happen.

cptartapp · 24/04/2023 19:35

Step back. No other way. This is what we save for all our lives. To buy in help and care as needed and let our busy adult DC in the prime of their lives free of the indefinite burden.
I would think far less of any parents that allowed this. They are allowed to make their own choices but therefore must live with the consequences.
Think how this will escalate massively when one is left alone otherwise.

PermanentTemporary · 25/04/2023 20:33

Two weeks' notice and walk away back to the office. Talk it through with them, they will resist all help, get on with your life. Visit weekly.

Tbh they don't have dementia (do they?) they can make their own choices. There will probably be multiple crises; they will continue to resist all help except from you and they gave a right to. What they don't have a right to is your life.

Hetty104 · 03/05/2023 10:54

Could anyone please tell me if and how much they charge DC rent ?
DS is 19 has his own bedroom & bathroom, just returned from travelling. He is currently on a gap year earning more than me. I said he could have this year rent free to basically go off enjoy himself etc. His plan when September comes round is to get himself an apprenticeship which will be considerably less money than what he is earning at the moment, so I know I will have a battle on my hands trying to get him to pay something in September. I don’t need the money fortunately, i just think it sets a good example and I will probably save a proportion of his rent anyway.
My DH thinks he should start paying now and doesn’t agree with my year sabbatical.

MysterOfwomanY · 03/05/2023 12:14

@Hetty104, you've posted on a thread about care for elderly parents.
You need to start your own thread, perhaps on the teenagers or chat board. You'll do better for replies and advice then.

falstaff1980 · 03/05/2023 14:06

Thanks all, plenty of good suggestions. In the end I just said I needed to be back in the office because my absence is hurting my position at work, and when the next round of redundancies comes along I'll be more likely to get hit by it. Parents accepted this, but still not getting help, I'll just have to tolerate seeing their house and personal hygiene decline.

OP posts:
Makingupfactstosuitmyagenda · 05/05/2023 23:01

I applied for attendance allowance and explained this was ‘free’ money intended to assist with care in some way; it opened the door to getting an agency in as
it removed the barrier of affordability and gave a sense obligation to spend on care. The agency clean and do general homecare tasks as well as personal care. Think Home Instead or similar. Btw I acted based on experiences I read about on here. It worked for others and worked for me too so perhaps a way forward?

user9989820190 · 06/05/2023 15:57

@falstaff1980 You have done the right thing in stepping back. I was in your position for quite a long time, with mum refusing to have any help that wasn't me because she didn't want to pay.

It might be worth contacting their GP in writing or social services to raise concerns, although the GP won't be able to discuss it with you. Would your parents agree to SS doing a care needs assessment for both of them if you dress it up as "seeing what help you can get"? I think there is a bit of a waiting list for assessments at the moment though, depending on where you are.

As you've probably realised, if they are deemed to have capacity then they can largely do as they please, it's only really if they are a danger to themselves or others or if one of them is preventing the other one receiving help (which is quite common) that their wishes can be overruled. With my mum (and all other cases I know of) it was a crisis that forced things to change.

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