86 year old mother

[Livingwitheyesclosed]

My mother is 86 and widowed. I have a difficult relationship with her as she has been unkind and nasty to me on and off all my adult life. I have two younger siblings who she gets on with much better. My brother lives 20 miles away but rarely visits. She has looked after him in the past when he’s been ill or needed help.
My sister lives a ten hour drive away and I don’t have a great relationship with her either.

I moved to the same area as my mother four years ago and since then have tried to help her sort out her affairs etc. I’m wary of getting too close to her as she turns on me and can be very nasty when least expected. I have had a lot of other issues to cope with and am at rock bottom myself . After spending hours sorting out the mess her affairs were in, we had a fall out and she has asked my sister to take over as she doesn’t trust me , so my sister says.

I haven’t seen or spoken to her since October as she was very rude to me then. However, she got Covid and when she recovered, had a fall in the street. Her brother was staying at the time, and he called me to tell me what had happened the day before they left to return home. He lives a long way away. The expectation being that I would care for my mother who has broken her arm as a result of the fall.

I went round there yesterday and went to the doctor with her. The doctor said she was happy for my mother to be on her own with a broken arm , much to my surprise. I have called social services to do an assessment with a view to carers going in. However I assume this will take time. It took her an hour to get undressed yesterday, and I feel she should be staying with me.
I have offered to have her, and she seemed undecided, but said she’s prefer to stay in her flat. I think though she didn’t want to put me out and we both feel nervous about her being dependent on me in my house.
My siblings have gone silent , not even checking with me how she is. My brother ignores my request that he help at weekends.

She had had a cognitive assessment at the doctor and passed it, so the nastiness and mood swings etc can’t be down to dementia I assume. She can be very demanding at times but also unkind. Not having ever had a good relationship with her I find this really challenging. I can’t really cope with her turning on me or being spiteful but at the same time can’t leave her unsupported.

She may not have long left and this may be an opportunity to rebuild things before she dies. On the other hand I dread having her around me 24/7. I fear if I can’t cope I can’t ask her or leave. It would be for ten days or so, or until she gets some help with carers etc.

What should I do? I can’t sleep due to anxiety about this. I feel I’m being negligent but no one is supporting me! OH feels she should be with us.

[crew2022]

Very difficult position, I really feel for you and have been in a difficult situation with an elderly parent too (not exactly the same but can appreciate your mixed feelings and apprehension).
Can you compromise and do a visit each day to her, do shopping etc and ensure she has an easy ready meal for the evening and leave her a sandwich for lunch? Say she can call you if she needs help?
Also it's not unreasonable to say you need your brother to step up and visit.
Having her to stay could lead you to more hurt and resentment.

[Livingwitheyesclosed]

Thank you so much for your reply. I am intending to do this. I got her several ready meals and things that are easy to prepare. I will visit her regularly too. I think it’s the dressing that is the main issue . I will call her this morning and see if she has managed to get dressed. My brother just won’t be responsive to me putting pressure on. He’s very selfish and lives on his own like a hermit.

[Ladybug14]

Why not organise carers to go in twice a day? If you organise that privately you don't need to wait for a Social Services assessment

Then you can ring once a day and pop in 3 or 4 times a week for half an hour

[Charlieiscool]

If she does move in with you it’s important to make it a short term arrangement or you could end up being her carer as she declines further over the next ten years. I would do what I could to support her living in her own place because she sounds an incredibly difficult and unpleasant woman and not someone I’d want in my own home permanently. If you feel anxious and miserable now it will be so much worse when she is in your home making constant demands and being nasty with it.

[Livingwitheyesclosed]

I wouldn’t have her for more than ten days or so. There is no way I would agree to being her carer. My sister is trying to persuade her to move to a retirement flat near her , but the worry with that is if she declines further she may need to move again in the near future to a care home or sheltered housing.
Private carers might be an option.

[GretaGood]

Not sure it matters if it takes an hour to undress.
Ageing brings problem .
Buying a few easy put on tops might help.

[GretaGood]

My sister is trying to persuade her to move to a retirement flat near her , but the worry with that is if she declines further she may need to move again in the near future to a care home or sheltered housing. 

On the other hand she might have a happy 10+ years in a flat near your sister

[GretaGood]

How much will your OH’s life be affected by having her move in?
I think living 24/7 with her will be very stressful for you.

[Livingwitheyesclosed]

Both our lives will be affected, but it would just be for ten days or so until she recovers a bit from her fall and broken arm. Hopefully then a care package will be sorted.

[Livingwitheyesclosed]

@GretaGood

Not sure it matters if it takes an hour to undress.
Ageing brings problem .
Buying a few easy put on tops might help.

The time it is taking is due to her having a broken arm.

[SingaporeSting]

I wouldn’t do it. The upheaval sounds difficult for all of you tbh, and it’s literally a few days until the longer term solution is in place.

My DM is a bit younger than yours but we have a similar relationship, so you really have my sympathy… I moved abroad… not consciously to get away, but somehow the distance helps. I sense an element of obligation and guilt in your posts (read up on FOG and narcissistic parents if you haven’t already) and I don’t think you need to feel either of these things. The desire to have a positive relationship with our mothers is very strong, but I’m not sure 10 days under the same roof at this point in proceedings would be a good thing for any of you.

best wishes op, it’s a difficult situation.

[GretaGood]

@Livingwitheyesclosed

The time it is taking is due to her having a broken arm.

If it's her upper arm then probably needs help, wrist not so much.
From the tone of your posts you sound stressed and my point was that when people get old they have falls/ get dementia/ lose things/ can't get about /can't get to the loo/ etc and that this will not be the only issue over the ensuing years and a calmer more long term approach might help - perhaps with you being less involved due to her past behaviour - are you sure you can get a care package set up in 10 days, for example.
If she can manage on her own with people popping in then she should stay on her own. Meanwhile long term plans can be made (if she agrees).

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Social Services are very good at instant response if they feel it’s needed. You’ll need to be clear you can not help.

OH feels she should be with us. Well, unless he’s planning to look after her, you can ignore his opinion.

10 days close proximity to a dear friend is enough to destroy a relationship. It’s unlikely to repair yours with your mother.

[Livingwitheyesclosed]

It is her upper arm. I have phoned social services again today and the doctor put in a Request yesterday. Nothing happening!

[Ladybug14]

@Livingwitheyesclosed

It is her upper arm. I have phoned social services again today and the doctor put in a Request yesterday. Nothing happening!

Get private carers in, in the meantime. Then you'll have peace of mind until SS get their act together

[MrsSquirrel]

She said she prefers to be in her own flat, take her at her word.

You are not being negligent! You have done loads, visiting her shopping for her, taking her to the doctor, contacting social services.

From what you have written it sounds like she is safe. The doctor was fine about her being on her own. Honestly, even if she didn't get dressed and stayed in her pyjamas for 10 days she would be OK. Less than ideal, but safe.

[Mosaic123]

Buy a couple of soft loose dresses (size up) today button all the way down the front like a coat. Bad arm goes in first.

Perhaps you could see Velcro behind each button and the other half can go over the button hole to make her more independent?

[Mosaic123]

Sew not "see'

[dogandbonio]

If your sister is trying to get her to move near her, and they get on well, I would be moving hell and earth to make it happen! Why should you have to take on all the worry when she's not even nice to you?

[Livingwitheyesclosed]

My sister likes the money my mother gives her for anything she wants. I’m worried she will bleed my mother dry. Other than that I’m not bothered really.

[Livingwitheyesclosed]

Another option is her brother . She could sell up and go to live near him. Trouble is he is also elderly.

[regenerista]

It's worth your sister bleeding her dry if it means you don't have to deal with her. I'd take peace of mind over an inheritance any day of the week.

[AlphabetSue]

Would having her live with you mean you’d struggle to get a care package - SS might think she’s fine and can continue staying with you and not a priority.

[Livingwitheyesclosed]

@regenerista

It's worth your sister bleeding her dry if it means you don't have to deal with her. I'd take peace of mind over an inheritance any day of the week.

Yes you’re probably right. She is managing fine in her own home now. Lots of help from friends . So the worst is over! It’s been a wake up call though and I think I’ll be encouraging my sister to organise this move now.