My feed

to access all these features

Elderly parents

Urgent Advice needed re: 2 generations needing care -

9 replies

3Gens · 15/04/2023 10:48

I've name changed as this is very outing.

My mother moved into my grandmother's house to become her carer. This coincided with my mother being evicted from her flat and (more of less) running out of money. This means that my mother is depend on my grandmother for living expenses and a roof over her head. My mother is an alcoholic. Grandmother spends most of her time in bed - can shuffle to the bathroom with her frame. They live in England.

Just before Easter my mother was taken into hospital with severe end stage liver disease symptoms. I brought my grandmother here to my home in Wales to care for her. I now realise that the time has come tor my grandmother to go into a home.

Meanwhile my mother has been discharged. She has been diagnosed with a decompensated liver and has a prognosis of two years (depending upon how well she looks after herself).

I have no idea where to start. The added complication of the England/Wales thing is impossible to navigate.

Social Services England told me to get in contact when I return my grandmother to her address. However, it would be better if I could just transfer her to a home near me.

Also, do I need to refer my mother to social services? She has "capacity" but will start living in squalor if left on her own in my grandmother's house/

My grandmother is 95 and my mother is 64 soon.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? I can't have my grandmother here much longer and I can't send her back to my mother either.

OP posts:
Lovestodrinkmilk · 15/04/2023 13:05

Ring Age UK. They are very knowledgeable and very helpful.

Hoplite · 15/04/2023 13:27

I had a relative with chronic alcoholism and it was tough to deal with. She'd get admitted for a while through either physical or mental illnesses, dry out, be discharged and then start drinking again.

Is there any chance your DM will stop drinking? Does she need carers herself now or is she still able to get up and about? SW didn't do much for my relative until she got to the point she couldn't move around very much but she died while waiting for an assessment.

You also - and I know this is going to sound hard - need to make sure your DM's living arrangements are formalised and both their wills reflect what their current wishes are. My relative died and she'd basically been too drunk to update her will for a long time and it was all unfortunately a bit of a mess when she died, if your DM has at least temporarily sobered up then now is a good time to tackle it.

Equally, your DG should think carefully about who to leave her house to, it might be better for DM to be in a residential facility herself.

Your DG's care sounds like the most pressing thing so I'd get onto social work about funding and a care home on Monday.

Nat6999 · 15/04/2023 13:53

My late dp was given 2 years to live with alcoholic liver disease, he only lived 4 months.

3Gens · 15/04/2023 15:05

Thanks everyone. I'll email the social workers in their area first as it's complicated to explain over the phone.

OP posts:
3Gens · 15/04/2023 15:07

@Nat6999 I'm sorry to hear that.

Did they send him home at first? Did he stop drinking?

I was so shocked that they discharged my mother. They just said "she has capacity to look after herself".

OP posts:
Muchtoomuchtodo · 15/04/2023 15:12

Age connects or citizens advice service might be your best bet.

Both your grandmother and mother are going to need social workers, your grandmother will also need to be registered with a GP in wales. Once they’ve both got allocated social workers in the areas that they’re going to be living hopefully they can be the main navigators of the complexity of the situation. If you grandmother has savings of over approximately £24k she will need to fund at least some of her care, being a home owner can affect this (I think in the form of a chargeback when the property is sold). It sounds as if your mother might need to find (be found) alternative accommodation.

I’m sorry you’re having to cope with all of this.

SheilaFentiman · 15/04/2023 15:19

The Welsh limit on savings is £50k, higher than England, but I’m not sure if OP’s LA would take responsibility if DGM resides in a property in an English LA

tatyr · 09/09/2023 13:06

Supposing your DGM were to go into residential care in Wales near you, and her home could be sold to pay...

What would suitable accommodation for your DM look like? Something like a warden controlled flat / sheltered accommodation with a housing association, and a support worker/cleaner to help her stay on top of things, but still having privacy/independence as able?
Where are her social networks/ familiar neighborhoods, as it's usually best to stay within them if possible.

How amenable are they to discussions about this?

PermanentTemporary · 09/09/2023 13:09

Another vote for the Age UK helpline. This sounds really tough 💐

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.