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Elderly parents

Personal care

4 replies

defsilent · 14/04/2023 08:16

I just can’t do it and it feels completely expected.
My mil assumes I am completely ok with dressing her - my mother assumes I’m completely ok with toileting her.
I feel so completely uncomfortable in these situations. My Mum got really angry with me for going to get a care assistant to help her but the next day she’s asking again for me to help and getting deeply offended when I say I don’t want to. It honestly puts me off visiting - I don’t want to upset them but I really hate doing this stuff.

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onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 14/04/2023 08:21

I'm thankful not to have been in this position with my now deceased DP, but I dreaded it happening while they were alive and I honestly don't think I could have done it. I've also made very clear to my DC that I do not expect them to ever have to take care of my personal needs

lazymum99 · 14/04/2023 09:22

I am with you all the way. I will deal with admin, finances and visiting and chatting. No personal care.
I get my mum to press her button for a carer if she needs anything like toilet or change of clothes.
Other people may think I am cold hearted but I don’t want that relationship. I would hate a family member to have to help me with personal care.

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/04/2023 09:26

Is it worse having a family member help you, or a different stranger every time? I can see why family members get roped in.

defsilent · 14/04/2023 09:28

I have done likewise with my dcs - they are horrified at what I'm being asked to do.
I feel so unkind in their hour of need. Mil won't allow dh to help - and it feels like I am being manipulated, we try to go earlier in the day - she asks him to leave the room and pass her over her pjs and then if I could just help with... Each request seems so small, and refusing seems so unreasonable and hurtful. I really like MIL but personal care is making me not want to visit.
My mother has carers to help her with the loo, she was particularly hurtful when I asked one of them to help change her incontinence pad - she said I don't know where you came from - you have such odd ideas, must be because you were hospital born - you don't seem like you came from me. I was so hurt, but it didn't stop her asking again the next time and suggesting I was being utterly unreasonable by not wanting to do this for my mother.

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