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Elderly parents

I feel responsible for my moms happiness

7 replies

WhiteBuffalo · 12/04/2023 21:34

I’m 34 and my mom is 62 (so not “elderly” but I didn’t know where else to stick this.) I’ve always lived with my mom, she’s had Multiple Sclerosis since 2000 so now I help her out. My dad died when I was 2 years old. Been with my now husband for 9 years and we have 1 daughter now. So now it’s all of us living together in a 3/2, fairly small. I’m a SAHM and she’s in the process of getting onto disability so she won’t be working (from home) anymore. She has no friends that live anywhere near her, her one close friend passed away recently. She is very limited physically and is terrible introverted. She has depression but has it under control with meds. More so lately I feel so trapped…. She wants to do things with us and I feel so bad and I want her to join. But it’s so so much stress on me feeling responsible for her and wanting to enjoy my 8 month old daughter. She doesn’t guilt trip me, but I still know she’s lonely and bored. She suggested going to the park and I feel just terrible that I feel that’ll be so exhausting. Me dealing with my daughter and also worrying about my mom. Something so small and simple like a park… and I’m tired just thinking about it. Any advice? How do I balance this?

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 12/04/2023 23:04

Are there any MS support or social clubs you could get her to join?

This is hard for you.

Mum5net · 13/04/2023 11:21

Sounds like it would be good to keep mom busy with her own activities allowing you to do things independently with your DD.
If your mom was able to work from home but now can't, is she still well enough to be on her PC maybe for shorter spells in the day? Could she join an online group? Could she volunteer? Is she 'expert' in anything?

Slimjimtobe · 13/04/2023 11:23

You live with her - you do more than enough. I don’t really know what to advise you here as you are so kind already.

Viviennemary · 13/04/2023 11:25

I think you need to work towards living separately. If you are in the UK the U3a does a wide range of activities and groups for over 50's. Also agree with getting in touch with any MS groups.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 13/04/2023 11:40

Could you get a "companion/carer" in a few times a week to take your DM out? It would give you a break, to spend time with your smaller nuclear family, and give your DM something to keep her active/interested. My DM's carer takes her out once a week, just for lunch out, as otherwise she is housebound and the break is really beneficial for her. My DM couldn't physically do this more than once a week, but your DM sounds as though she could?

Hbh17 · 13/04/2023 11:44

Well, I'm sure you know, but just a reminder that no adult is ever responsible for another adult's happiness.
I'm also sure you will get lots of good advice on here 're options for your mother - please take the advice!

WhiteBuffalo · 13/04/2023 14:48

Thank you all so much for your advice. I will look into a companion care type of person to take her out, that’s a good idea. I have mentioned MS support groups in the past but she never acted on that, I need to bring that up again. I feel as though I’m at a breaking point and I need to have a talk with her about all this, just afraid to hurt her :(

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