Mum verbally abusive

[kitz90]

My parents are in their early 80s. Still together but very unhappily married. In the last couple of years my mum has started ranting obscenities at my dad for hours on end. This week alone she's threatened to slash his car tyres and she has currently hidden his car keys. The verbal abuse is horrific. My dad says he's so used to it he just blocks her out.

I am in my 40s, an only child and live very nearby but can't abide her anymore. She lives her life vicariously through my family unit (a situation I've allowed). She has no friends and gets extremely jealous of other people. She can take a dislike to someone just by looking at them and will end up with a bitter hatred for no justifiable reason.

When I call her out on her behaviour she denies everything and says I'm ungrateful.

I have such a sense of shame about the situation. I'm in my forties with my own children. She puts on a nice person act in front of my kids and certain other people (church goers etc). I don't know what to do for the best anymore and my own mental health is struggling as a result.

I'm trying to go low contact and she's already onto this and has told me how dare I try to distance myself from her when she's been so supportive.

Has anyone experience similar? Any advice on how to handle it?

Thanks for reading.

[Suetcrust]

You simply need to find a way to emotionally deal with her so that you can maintain your own equilibrium.
It sounds as if you are already on that path so keep up the good work.
Sadly she sounds extremely manipulative and a bully.
Just keep her at arms length and look after your own mental health and your own family unit.
Put her in a hypothetical box and close the lid.
Just open it when you feel able to cope with her shenanigans.
Counselling might help too so you might investigate that?
Good luck OP.

[myoldmansatrendydustman]

Can you get her assessed for dementia, OP?

[Lightuptheroom]

I could have written your post. The only way my sIblings and I have been able to deal with it has been to deal with the practical things they need help with and nothing else. She is awful to my dad. He thinks he just has to put up with it. We've tried involving GP etc but she won't consent to any tests so whatever is causing this remains undiagnosed.

[Rollerpiggy]

You’ll have to keep the distance and ignore her. She sounds pretty unstable, and maybe the GP needs to be informed about her behaviour towards your dad.

[CuriousMama]

Would SS be any use? So sorry you're going through this. Was she always nasty? If it's new could be something neurological?

[OriginalUsername2]

Was she always like this?

The use of ungrateful and how dare you sound eerily familiar as a daughter of a narcissist.

[kitz90]

Thanks so much everyone for replying. I've been too ashamed to tell anyone. I think I've been trying to involve her in mine, my husband and kids lives as a distraction in the hope she would stop. I've had this light bulb moment of realising she's not going to stop.

Growing up she was always on the warpath if that makes sense. She would have a drink and become argumentative. We always had to leave occasions abruptly with my dad apologising to whoever she'd upset. He has said to me recently she's always had to have an enemy. I was very disliked at primary school because she was always up complaining about everything. Yet at home she was pretty neglectful.

She's like two different people. Even my close friends think I come from a 'normal' family and I daren't tell anyone because I feel like I'm being disloyal to my parents plus I don't want to scare anyone off. She can put on an act of great respectability when she chooses.

I've never thought of a dementia assessment.... I'll have a look into it.

[DotAndCarryOne2]

My mum has vascular dementia and your mums’ behaviour sounds similar to hers in the run up to her diagnosis. If she hasn’t been abusive on this scale previously then I think the first course of action is to involve her GP and get an assessment. Vascular dementia in particular can make sufferers very aggressive and magnifies any negative personality traits. Mum’s dementia is advanced when it was diagnosed and it’s progressing, but she’s properly medicated and monitored, which helps.

[creamyterror]

We reported my mother to ss as dad was categorised as a vulnerable person - but when put on the spot he denied everything. Bloody nightmare marriage - they should have divorced years ago. He died and now she fights with her kids - the gift that keeps on giving. I'm trying to decide whether to see her one last time, she's so manipulative. I'm done caring.

[kitz90]

creamyterror that sounds so tough.

My mum can put on an oscar performance of respectability in front of other people. I am starting counselling tomorrow to try and make sense of it all as I'm at my wits end. If my dad was to die tomorrow my mum would make out that they were the happiest couple on earth. It's all such a farce and I wish they'd divorced decades ago.

[Mum463]

She sounds mentally ill. My DM is similar. Set your boundaries. Don't mix her with other friends or in-laws. Compartmentalize. But try not to feel shame or guilt. It's not your fault.

[Freshair1]

Just ignore her. Works for me.

[kitz90]

@Freshair1

Just ignore her. Works for me.

Love this Freshair1 thank you! : )

[kitz90]

@Mum463

She sounds mentally ill. My DM is similar. Set your boundaries. Don't mix her with other friends or in-laws. Compartmentalize. But try not to feel shame or guilt. It's not your fault.

Thanks Mum463. This is 100% what I need to do and I'm hoping counselling will help shake off some of the guilt.

[Mum463]

We vary between thinking my DM has a personality disorder or autism. She has no friends at all and none of her relations will speak to her due to abusiveness. My df enabled it.

[fUNNYfACE36]

@kitz90

My parents are in their early 80s. Still together but very unhappily married. In the last couple of years my mum has started ranting obscenities at my dad for hours on end. This week alone she's threatened to slash his car tyres and she has currently hidden his car keys. The verbal abuse is horrific. My dad says he's so used to it he just blocks her out.

I am in my 40s, an only child and live very nearby but can't abide her anymore. She lives her life vicariously through my family unit (a situation I've allowed). She has no friends and gets extremely jealous of other people. She can take a dislike to someone just by looking at them and will end up with a bitter hatred for no justifiable reason.

When I call her out on her behaviour she denies everything and says I'm ungrateful.

I have such a sense of shame about the situation. I'm in my forties with my own children. She puts on a nice person act in front of my kids and certain other people (church goers etc). I don't know what to do for the best anymore and my own mental health is struggling as a result.

I'm trying to go low contact and she's already onto this and has told me how dare I try to distance myself from her when she's been so supportive.

Has anyone experience similar? Any advice on how to handle it?

Thanks for reading.

The fact that you describe the worst of it as having started in the last couple of years makes me think dementia. It us an extremely cruel condition but it's not your mum's fault

[creamyterror]

You can blame it on all sorts - growing up - we blamed my mum's behaviour on the bottle of Vodka she liked to drink, which certainly upped the viciousness but when she gave up, the vicious side of her remained. At times we blamed depression, having too many kids, being overworked and now maybe a touch of dementia - never her fault but always the way she was and I always hoped for better but no matter what I gave her, it was never enough, always another thing I didn't do or someone else that did better or gave more. She is the most ungrateful person I have ever met - old age has not mellowed her sense of entitlement because now it's I'm going to be dead soon and you haven't done...