Am I being selfish for thinking this way?

[Highflow]

My DF is 86, has been in really good health and independent, driving etc up until a year ago when he developed heart failure and aged overnight. He is still able to live alone, gets up and down the stairs, but mobility is very slow now, he has a lot of back pain and gets short of breath.

He has never had many friends, very much a loner, I have always felt he lived his life through me and felt obligated to invite him to many things so he wasn’t lonely.

DM passed away 25 years ago. I’m an only child.
I have 2 primary aged children.

When he became poorly a year ago and realised he needed more help, he asked if he could pay me to reduce my hours at work and ‘look after’ him. I agreed.
A year on and I’m exhausted. I go to him every other day (he lives a 30 minute drive from me).
I take the kids to school then go onto his, take him to Sainsburys or for a coffee to get him out the house, back to his, bit of tidying, take bins out/change bed, cook us both a hot lunch, clear up the kitchen and the leave to pick the kids up from school.
Then the days I’m not going to him, I’m working.
Im physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted because it doesn’t end there, the phone calls about this or that, medical appointments. Then the organising school holidays so I can still go to him
But, if I didn’t do it he would sit alone all day.
He wouldn’t eat properly as he says he is too fatigued to cook anything.

I don’t see my friends, I have no time for me. Im trying for it not to impact the DC, but it does.
Im starting to feel resentful that my life is on hold (I’m late 30’s).
I feel that he thinks because he is paying me, that I am on call to him 24/7.
I have asked about him moving nearer to me so I can nip in and out but he won’t, he likes the countryside he said. I feel there is no compromise from him.
I just want my life back to how it was, but am I selfish for wanting that, he has spent his life bringing me up, it’s my turn to repay him, but I feel so resentful and I don’t know if this is a common feeling?

I’d like to ask him to use the money to employ someone to take him out shopping, I can go back to the work I enjoy and miss and can visit him as I used to… but to me that’s like saying to him ‘I don’t care about you, what I want is more important’

Any advice would be appreciated

Your DF has made choices about how his life is - he might be 86 but he is lonely through choice effectively. Your job as daughter is not to fill in for friends and hobbies that he hasn't wanted to put the effort into.

He is living through you, and you are exhausted, it's not sustainable. The payment is a red herring as you are 'on call' 24/7 even though you are only meant to be with him a few days a week.

Your children deserve more of their mum, your DF is an adult and largely should be able to run his own life. Yes he might need help with appointments, bills and so on but the day to day expectation that you should drop everything for him needs to finish.

That does make you think. We do all have the right to choose what treatment we have. I would rather have my DC have any money than go on for years.

It's hardly 'frittering'. It's ensuring you are safe and cared for at the most vulnerable time of your life. If we all want to live to 80, 90 and beyond in our millions we need to change our mindset.
Passing on an inheritance is a bonus, which indeed many caring adult DC would happily forego to be free to live their lives.

My mum has just had a stroke at 63 due to high blood pressure likely caused by the stress of looking after my grandad who is in his 90s. He won't leave his highly inappropriate country home and she's run ragged working still and sorting out everything to do with his house, maintenance , medical appointments, when he falls at 3am and she has to rush up there and sit in A&E whilst they stitch him up. I would start to back away now before you are in the position of having to be emergency on call. Maybe suggest you halve your visits and he pay carers instead, then if he takes to that you could slowly withdraw entirely from the regular care.

I feel you, its such a hard situation. but you are actually leaving him in a vulnerable position being reliant on you, as there is no "scaffolding" around him should anything happen to you. If he had some alternative support, whether that is a carer popping in, doing meals, or a cleaner or care package or whatever, then this could be expanded to fill in for you should the need arise, like you or your child were sick or you went on holiday.

You are looking at it like you owe him and I appreciate he is not wanting new people in his life or to be more sociable but that is on him. I think men are particularly bad for not maintaining a social life, hobbies, interests etc and then relying on others to fill the gaps- how many posts do we see on here of women retiring but not wanting to fully facilitate their husbands retirement cause they have no friends or interests and they feel suffocated.

Maybe baby steps of getting someone else like a home help in to him one day a week, or by making yourself unavailable more often and edging out a bit?

I am a self employed cleaner op but I was approached by a lady wanting help with her uncle. Light cleaning and make a light lunch etc. Bit of shopping
. All good and in my capabilities! Sadly the gentleman died before I started but I suggest you discuss it with df and look on a care website (Care. Com I am on). You can interview and vet people.. Reviews up there and you can request dbs..yanbu to resign from your post!

You are not being selfish, you sound lovely but because someone is older it doesn't mean they are above being selfish themselves, you sound very kind but this arrangement is not working.Taking the approach of being a " care organiser rather than a care giver" can be liberating all round and mean that the time you do spend together can be more relaxed and social ( especially if your visits have started to cross over into the personal care area) Speaking with personal experience..
I note a reason for not moving is the 'countryside ' but how often does your father actually get out & enjoy the countryside over how often does he need everyday help, company, care, GP appointments etc?
Involve other people, speak with professionals,claim carers allowance etc
Best of luck.

You can’t pour from an empty cup OP. You’re exhausted and it’s not fair. You are not responsible for your Dad’s happiness so don’t feel guilt tripped into it.
my Dm was trapped in a cage of her own making. She wouldn’t even join the library to just be able to speak to someone and just waited for me or my siblings to take her out. Eventually after illness she was advised by medics to attend a local day centre three times a week. It’s been a saviour for her and us.
you sound like you have a lovely relationship but to keep it that way you need to enjoy what life he has left, not endure it. My mum was trapped in a cage of her own making, not my problem. Hers!

Sorry I repeated myself there x

It does sound as if sheltered accommodation closer to you would be the best outcome. Sit down and have a conversation with him. Be honest about how exhausted you are and how your own family life is being adversely impacted, and tell him that you can't carry on as you are.

If he's up for the change, great, and you can help him make the move. If he's not, you'll have to get tough and start withdrawing your support. The way he's living now isn't fair on you, and it's not good for him either if he's struggling. A change in his attitude could make things so much better for all concerned.

It's so hard. We have an elderly relative living with us and it's very restrictive:- they can't be left for more than a couple of hours. We muddle along, and at some point they may need residential care, but we're not there yet. It takes it's toll.

It's hardly 'frittering'. It's ensuring you are safe and cared for at the most vulnerable time of your life. If we all want to live to 80, 90 and beyond Well, there we see it differently. I see it as being kept alive against my wishes and forced to pay for the privilege.

I feel you, its such a hard situation. but you are actually leaving him in a vulnerable position being reliant on you, as there is no "scaffolding" around him should anything happen to you. That’s a very good point.

I note a reason for not moving is the 'countryside ' but how often does your father actually get out & enjoy the countryside The point about living in the countryside is that you don’t have to get out to enjoy it, it’s there all around you, you can see it from your windows. Whereas once you have moved into town you may never see the countryside again, such is public transport.

One way to think of it is to ask whether he would have done the same for his parents. My guess is no. And it so, it’s not fair to expect it of you.