Does this sound reasonable?

[MissMarplesNiece]

DM lives with DSis & family so she's not on her own & gets looked after. I visit twice a week. I end up staying there for hours - 8 or 9 hours, because when I get ready to leave DM starts to cry and pleads with me not to go. The visits exhaust me. I am not in good health myself, physically or mentally, and the day after my visit I am "wiped out". I feel very guilty, and in some way responsible for DM's happiness. I can repeat the mantra "I am not responsible for another person's happiness" 1001 times but I seem unable to get rid of the core belief that I need to keep trying to make her happy or stop her being bored.

After a chat with my GP today I think I need to put some boundaries in place. Sounds daft but think it will be quite hard for me to do. Does this sound reasonable:
One long visit each week where I take her out - her infirmity makes this a physically difficult task for me because she won't use a walker & insists on clinging to my arm. We could go for lunch, shopping, a ride out in the country etc. She currently wants to go out everytime I go round to visit.
One "short" visit each week - say 3 hours, where we stay in the house or garden and have tea & cake.
I know that on a short visit it will be difficult for me to leave because she will cry and plead with me not to go. Also she gets quite testy if I say I don't want to go out and crys. Any suggestions on how I could handle this?

I would just do 1 long visit a week. And explain the going out can only be with a Walker. Otherwise no going out.
But I do live a long way from my parents.
2 visits a week is very kind. But it’s also a lot and she does have company.

It is very easy to say but you do need to create boundaries and stick to them, you being ill will mean no visits at all.
If she wants to go out with you then she must use a walker, no ifs or buts. If she won't use walker you can't go out.
As with anyone else in your life she must respect you and your needs as you do hers.

Is her clinginess perhaps an attempt to get an outing and provide a bit of a break for your sister? Does she go out with your sister. Agree it sounds as if she should not be leaving the house without a walking support. Could she try and do some chair and sit to standing exercises to try and prevent further deterioration in her muscle strength?

She's playing you like a fiddle !
Turning on the water works to get what she wants and boy is she having her own way.
8-9 hour visits are totally over the top, she must be exhausted herself let alone how you feel.
Set firm boundaries and don't deviate from them, she certainly needs to be using a walker as well.
Time for some tough love I'm afraid.
Good luck OP

If it helps you to get the boundary in place, perhaps tell her that your GP has given you strict orders that you are not to physically support her on outings and can only take her if she uses her walker? That way, if you know you're going to find it hard to set and maintain that boundary, you can somewhat deflect it onto a third party (and one with the double advantage of being an authority, and not actually being there to argue with).

You're being more than reasonable here. Would you do this to your own daughter in the future?

My dSis doesn't take her out. If I didn't take her then she wouldn't go out at all. Tbh my DM is quite selfish, I don't think she thinks about giving my sister a break, I think its more that I'm easier to manipulate with guilt & emotional blackmail. I think I've been her mental wellbeing practitioner since I was about 13, now I'm her physical wellbeing practitioner as well. She's told me a few times she'd like to come & live with me & DH. I think our relationship probably isn't a healthy one - definitely a big dose of co-dependency there & I'm on a waiting list for mental health support for this.

DM has had OT & Physio input but won't do exercises that she thinks are too hard. But as GP said to me today about my own lack of physical activity "it is hard at first but you need to persevere & it gets easier". She won't use the walker they gave her because it's "too heavy", but it's not much heavier than the bag she carries round with her and I keep telling her that if she uses it she will get used to it. But, what do I know.

I sound so unkind. I care about her very much.

Hi there <waves>

You never sound unkind. I burst into tears and told mum to shut up earlier.

I don't how you cope. Definitely put in boundaries. Given your health, it sounds like it might be too much?

You don't sound unkind.

Your mum sounds unkind.

I think you may have been hoodwinked by all the loving mother daughter dialogues, and not noticed your mum is not very nice.

Do you have children? Would you do to them what she is doing, or would you protect them if you could?

Why and when was it decided your mum should live with DS and her family, rather than you and yours - if she has to live with anyone at all? What are her physical and/or mental disabilities that require her to be living with family? Sorry, you've not mentioned ages so I'm not sure if its old age and she has some specific diagnosis.
What does your sister do to assist you in leaving the house without all the drama, or is she just so relieved to have a few hours to herself after looking after your DM 24/7?
If absolutely needed, the care of your DM does not seem to be equal, tbh.

If you think the short visit might be hard to end, how about making it an evening visit? That will naturally come to an end at bedtime. Would that work?

You don’t sound unkind at all. Your mother however, does. And manipulative and selfish. She won’t change. You need to, or this will be your life.

How about making the short visit in the home dinner together?

That way it'll be easier to leave because it'll be bedtime.

DM is 88. When step father died (during covid) DSis decided DM couldn't be on her own (150 miles away from me & DSis, too frail, prone to fall etc) & that she go live with her. DSis has big house, 2 bathrooms, starlift still fitted from when her MiL lived with her. DH & I have a one bed flat, on 1st floor accessed by external staircase. DM can't even come & visit because she can't get up the steps.

The idea of an evening visit is a good one.

What condition does your mum have that required her to live with your sister? Does your sister ever get any respite- or only during your visits? I'd contact Age UK, alzheimers support or whatever condition she has to see if there additional things to support you/help, in addition to any groups/activities in the area. If she is never leaving the house except with you- no wonder she is keen to go out! Nextdoor.com might be another place to ask for local things for elderly to do. My MIL volunteers at a luncheon club. The people love going, get a subsidised meal, 2 courses for £5 and can be collected in their mini bus for I think £2.

What does your sister think? Would a single, long day be better, 2 shorter days etc? Does your mum get sundowners? If not, maybe an afternoon visit and then leave when its her meal time to make a break.

The whole scenario sounds very similar to my mum and her sister who helped care for my nan. My aunt would just say NO to her multiple requests, whereas my mum was too soft and then would resent my nans requests. I refused to take nan in the car if she didn't wear her hearing aids or use her stick. She expected me to drive, but turn my head to face her in the back seat because otherwise I was mumbling! (She wouldn't sit in the front passenger seat!).

Its hard OP, but best of luck x

I honestly think you could do more of a structured arrangement whereby your sister gets more of a break, more than the 1 - 2 times per week you do right now. I understand you're not in great health yourself but it still not fair all care responsibilities fall to your Dsis. Without trying to sound cruel, it seems your mum is going to make a fuss whether you leave after 1 hour or 9 so I think it's more important you and your sister comes to an agreement whereby you totally take over on certain days, nights or weekends for an allocated number of hours so your Dsis and family get to escape the room or house or whatever without worrying that your mum doesn't have care and company she so clearly needs. This would also be of benefit to you and your health if you knew exactly when you needed to be there and when you're free to leave and your Dsis take over again

Please make her use a walking frame. My GF insisted on using GM as a support and when he fell in Sainsbury’s they both ended up in A&E. It’s so very hard when you are being guilt tripped with tears but you must put boundaries in place to protect yourself, especially if your health isn’t great.

I actually feel quite sorry for your sister who doesn’t get a break at all😮

I am sorry if I asked before OP, but is it the case your sister wanted mum with her rather than in assisted living or something like that?

obviously she asked your mum, but I'm wondering why. I'm obviously aware of your previous posts and you certainly can't take on more.

Hi,
Your situation is similar to mine. Elderly parent and enormous guilt I cannot do anything to make them happy, eg turn back time to when we were all younger and they were at the hub of the family.

I have tried to ensure she either has somewhere to go like exercise class for the elderly, or has someone come in for yoga for example - even if you went too ‘on doctors orders’, it would relieve the pressure from you. Just for a hour over the week, makes it affordable and gives them something to do, company and sibling a break from caring duties.

I Like the idea of making it later evening, maybe a late supper/tea event with tea and cake- again, like the exercise class, it takes the attention off you. I don’t know what time your parent goes to bed and whether she can do this without support, but if you need to help her, this would give sister a break and draw evening to a close.

You sound lovely and it is so hard.

I worry about DSis too. I have suggested to her that we apply for Attendance Allowance & use it to get a carer to come in help DM have a bath, take her out for a walk etc. DSis was very resistant to the idea. DM is different to DSis than she is with me - not so demanding, doesn't turn on the tears. DM is very independent in the house, she doesn't need help with general personal care, sorts out her laundry, tidys her room, does her knitting, has her magazines. My niece & nephew still live at home & do lots of tea making etc. Going to some kind of assisted living/care home is something that's not on the table as far as DSis seems to be concerned. I don't know why - she was the same with her MiL who lived with DSis & family until her death. She had awful dementia & attacked DSis several times, once with a hammer, but there was no question of her going into a nursing home as far as DSis was concerned.

I just don't know what to do, to help DSis, help DM & look after myself.

Well, your sister has made that choice - if being attacked with a hammer by MIL hasn't changed her mind, then nothing will.

you shouldn't have to suffer for it though. It would have been better for you if your Dsis hadn't suggested mum move in.

if your mum is so independent in the house, I wonder why she acts differently with you?