Elderly mother and suicide threats

[Soes]

My mother is 87. To be honest she has been threatening suicide my whole life (I’m 60).

I suppose my question is, should I just ignore her or try and help her in some way and if so how?

I visited with her recently and asked her for an ibruprofen. She had several large packs of nurofen (ibuprofen and codeine mix) which she said she had bought for the purposes of suicide. I pretty much told her not to be silly and o’ding on Nurofen would likely make her very ill in hospital before a long lingering death.

She did ask me what she should take instead but I refused to Google it as she asked.

On the one hand she is relatively well off. Has good mobility, a comfortable home and drives a small car. However she is lonely. She is so vile to people she has no real friends. Her husband died 3 years ago.

She lives a 7 hour drive away. I and my family are her only relatives in the Uk - my sister lives overseas. She is pretty horrible to me as well, so I only visit for one full day at a time.

Also she is a national of a country where assisted euthanasia is legal in some circumstances (Netherlands). She is threatening to go there to get ‘a suicide pill’. However I doubt she would find it that simple.

Should I continue to ignore her or encourage her to have counselling or something. She doesn’t like engaging with the medical profession either.

I don’t like the idea of her being unhappy but I won’t mourn her death either if that makes sense. She has done some pretty awful things to me and I was no contact for 5 years.

Ignore her. She's been threatening it for 60 years. If she didn't do when she was fit and well she won't do it now.

How about you - have you got support that you can discuss all of this with?

Thanks yes. I have a DH and adult daughters.

I’d ignore her threats. She sounds depressed, but I know from experience that if there is no willingness to engage with medical professionals then there’s nothing you can do. And it is not your responsibility.
When my elderly parent refused my advice for medical treatment I rang their GP and explained the situation, I just wanted to feel as though I’d ‘covered’ myself if that makes sense? Maybe doing similar would help you?

Thanks for your advice. I did consider contacting her GP a few years ago when she went actually crazy and was screaming and shouting and being abusive to her husband. However I thought if she found out she would turn it on me (I have been on the receiving end and it is very unpleasant).

I think the GP is aware of the suicide threats. I have heard her on the phone to them threatening suicide because the GP wouldn’t prescribe morphine when she injured her leg. She was spoken to quite severely by the locum GP and they said they had made a note of the call.

Anyway I will leave her to it.

Really feel for you @Soes

My DM was the same. Threatened suicide from time when I was very young (one of my earliest memories) and did eventually take her own life when I was 55, 3 years after the death of my DF.

That followed years of increasing threats and demands for attention. All of which were very difficult because I knew I was in a narcissistic dance of reel in / discard, but this was my DM and I felt it was my responsibility to try to help her.

She was a nightmare in terms of alcoholic dependence and drug hoarding. The OD that eventually ended her life left her in a 10 day Coma as her Liver, Kidneys and other organs closed down.

At first I was distraught but now I can look back and realise that it was her life and her decision. Nothing I did or said made any difference and I have accepted her choice.

As I get older with mounting health issues I even begin to understand it.

I live in a country where it is not socially acceptable to choose to end your own life and I increasingly question why. I am seeing friends around me suffering after Strokes and with Parkinsons, but for them there is no obvious way to say enough is enough. I dread the idea of being dragged off to a Care Home for the last stage of my life, but know that having lost my DH many years ago that is where I am probably headed. For me that will be suffocating and for my family a burden that I don't want them to experience.

I wish now that I had listened more to my DM, empathised, made sure she knew I loved her and that whilst I would be sad when she was no longer here, it was OK for her to make her own decisions about her life. In the strangest of ways I think her constant threats were a desire for permission and my refusal to engage in those discussions was the reason she kept making them.

My advice would be to listen to your DM, tell her you understand, that you love her and that you accept her decisions whatever they are.

@Curlewsreturn

Thank you for your heartfelt comments. I will take your advice on board.

I am truly sorry to hear about your difficulties with your own mother.

My mother has made several suicide threats to GP, care agency, pharmacy and many others. In her case it is attention seeking behaviour, she has been diagnosed with personality disorder. I believe she has become addicted to pain meds and these threats have been when they have been restricted.
I find it really difficult as someone I know attempted suicide and none of us were aware of how desperate they were.
I ignore her.