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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Advice please

13 replies

Doremisofarsogood · 23/03/2023 18:08

Hi, firstly this is not my parents but my next door neighbour! Just after some advice please. A 70 something couple have lived next door to use since forever. Last week she died (cancer). He's not in the best of health and had to go into hospital the day his wife died, he came out yesterday. They have no kids, no family,.no friends. Just me and another neighbour helping out of the goodness of our hearts. He does nothing online..pays bills at the post office. No direct debits etc. Rang me today to say can't work out how to use the microwave to heat a ready meal up. Me and my DH work full-time and have 2 kids. We do the best we can but time is sparse! He spent last night on the floor as he fell out of bed and couldn't get back in.
Does anyone have any advice on what help is out there in these situations? Anything would be really appreciated.

OP posts:

Starlightisenthralling · 23/03/2023 18:14

That's so kind of you but you really do need to alert SS to get professional help for him. There will be someone along shortly with vastly more help than that but in the meantime, well done x

pottydimley · 23/03/2023 18:23

What a lovely couple! Yes, raise a safeguarding concern with your local Safeguarding Adults Board through your county social services website. That will force them to investigate and get him some support.

Suzi888 · 23/03/2023 18:25

Adult Social Services, may need a care plan/carers or may need sheltered accommodation or a nursing home. Important to get him in the system so he can receive the care he needs and has a support system in place.

Original poster

Doremisofarsogood · 23/03/2023 19:37

Thank you so much for the replies ☺️ I just had no clue where to start and (thankfully) we aren't there with our own parents yet! I think he'll be quite resistant to any "outside" help but we really cant do much more than the bare minimum. Until she got ill last year we only exchanged pleasantries on the doorstep, now this! It's all a bit much really so I'll definitely get in touch with the relevant services. Thanks again x

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LIZS · 23/03/2023 19:47

Are there any voluntary befriending organisations locally? They pair up people of similar interests - go on trips, out for lunch etc. Were either of them religious, could local vicar or a church person visit for example? Is he safe alone, LA may offer some support.

Original poster

Doremisofarsogood · 23/03/2023 19:55

LIZS · 23/03/2023 19:47

There might be, but when his wife was poorly last year I suggested this and he was very resistant...he may think differently now she's gone though.
I'm not sure he's safe on his own....he spent most of last night on the floor as he fell out of bed and couldn't get back in. Said he felt like his legs were going again today too.

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Original poster

Doremisofarsogood · 30/03/2023 17:22

Just to update (and thanks for the advice and suggestions!). I've raised a safeguarding concern with the local council but haven't heard anything - not sure if they get back to me though? The neighbour has had visits from Home Help who did some shopping for him, and district nurses are visiting. But he's just rung me to say he's got to go to the doctors for some injections and the district nurses haven't classes him as housebound, so he's asked me to take him. He's worried his legs will give way again and I'm a bit worried about taking him but will have to. I'm working from home tomorrow luckily but this really can't continue! This week I've been shopping for him twice, round to his and had him on the phone every day..it's stressing me out, I'm so busy anyway this is just one more thing and something that really isn't my problem! I'll obviously not turn him down but I wondered if there's a way of fast tracking my referral? I spoke to Age Concern and they just told me to put the referral in to the council. Helpful!

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PussInBin20 · 01/04/2023 18:23

I would phone Adult Social Services up and tell them the situation and that you are not his family and cannot help any further. It’s not up to you to take him. If anything, he needs to call the district nurses if he can’t get himself there. Surely he must have been given some contact details?

Alsowhy are you getting shopping if someone already did it from home help? Sounds like he is probably lonely and likes having you available? Maybe he can do more for himself but chooses not to for this reason.

either way you need to step back.

SafeguardingSocialWorker · 01/04/2023 18:46

Its not a safeguarding vulnerable adults issue. Safeguarding adults is where someone is being abused or neglected by others. Sometimes it can include self neglect but usually only at the level where things have got very dangerous/dirty.

The home help stuff was probably initiated by the hospital. Don't give him a lift to the doctors, if he's able to get out of the house himself the expectation is that he can book a taxi to take him. If he's not capable of getting out of the house and misses his appointment the GP/ DNs will rethink and put him back on home visits.

It sounds like his wife did a lot for him and he's now transferring that expectation to you.

Original poster

Doremisofarsogood · 02/04/2023 16:26

I've spoken to the council on Friday, explained the situation and they are putting an urgent referral in to social services. Yep he is expected to get a taxi to and from the doctors, which he will have to do as I can't and won't take him unless it really fits in with me. He literally knows no-one else in the whole world, his wife was everything and did everything. He's got so many bills, policies etc to sort out and has no idea how to do it. He's been given so much information about various things he's confused and overwhelmed, as well as grieving. He literally doesn't know what to do. I'm hoping that the council / social services can help with this. Really I think he needs to be in supported housing but not sure how he would go about it, even if he wanted to?

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Moveforward · 02/04/2023 16:54

Oh my goodness.

This is so much like my Dad and we've supported him from 100 miles away (and regular visits). I do all the paperwork for him. It's taken nearly a year to put everything in place and find alternatives to what he did before.

I hope SS find him a safe place to be ASAP. You are neighbours and can't do what I did. Dad's neighbours have my number and I'm sure in any emergency they were aware of would act, and that's more than they can be expected to do and Im.very grateful.

Original poster

Doremisofarsogood · 02/04/2023 19:59

Moveforward · 02/04/2023 16:54

Oh my goodness.

This is just like my cousin with her parents. She did so much but for family, it's different isn't it. I'd do anything for my mum. But this neighbour....until the wife got ill last year, we just had polite chit chat if we saw each other. Not this! I'm a nice person and won't abandon him, it must be awful....but it's also not my responsibility. I also feel like they made a choice as a couple to isolate themselves - no hobbies, no social life. This is the end result. It's a shame but of their own doing.

I also hope that SS will be able to step in soon.

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charitytodayislovely · 02/04/2023 20:35

Yes, it's definitely an Adult Social Services job. If he's losing his mobility it sounds as though he will need to be in sheltered accommodation. I don't really know who would help him sort out legal/policy things in the absence of family or friends but once he's appointed a social worker, things will likely improve.

As a very first stop he needs to have a lifeline fitted (social services can advise). They cost very little (around £15 a month) and he can wear the bracelet/necklace and buzz them if he ever has another fall.

The key thing is, even though it sounds cruel you have to stress to SS that he is completely alone and you are unable to help him. If SS thinks there is any kind of support that can delay his referral.

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