Emotions around house clearance

[MissMarplesNiece]

I've been putting it off for ages but I need to bite the bullet and get everything cleared out of DM's house so it can be sold. It's such a daunting task - emotionally rather than physically. And then, on top of that there's dealing with my DM's emotions. If you've had to deal with this, how did you do it?

I didn't do it alone, I always had someone for support.

I did it until I'd filled the bin and then car with a sell/donate/bin collection and went to the charity shop and tip on my way home.

I did it in chunks rather than all at once.

Sorry you are having to do this.

It is very very hard. DH and I (mainly DH) had to clear PIL house last year when they went into a care home.

It is worse than clearing someone's house after they die because you have to anticipate what they might ask for. Our house is now full of their nick nacks.

I've done it twice for mum- once when she downsized into a smaller place and now she has passed away I'm clearing her flat. The first was easier because she was able to help with the emotional stuff. Since she died we've been doing as others said and done a chunk at a time, and together with my family if I can. Sorry for you having to do this but I found breaking it down but trying to keep momentum the best way- little and often. When we had a break we found it harder to go back to it.

Did this when mum was still alive and downsizing. It was tough - we had to get a long-lived-in 3-bed house ready for sale in just a weekend for mum to downsize to a flat, and convince mum that an awful lot of stuff was going to have to go. She was insulted and upset, but then suddenly got into it. We did it a room at a time, starting with the smallest/least cluttered rooms.

We did my MILs 3 years ago and once all the family had taken what they wanted some of us took boxes of appropriate things to charity shops and the rest we paid house clearance to take.

I’ve done this recently with my parents’ 3 bedroom semi of 45 years. It was hard work and completed over several weekends. Skip on the drive, loads of bags for charity and an awful lot of patience. Mum gradually got into it and faster at making decisions. I also got a load of lidded boxes to put special items in and labelled them eg. Travel, greetings cards, recipes etc. Mum has LOADS of clothes. We spent a whole day going through every single item. We’re a reasonably similar size, so I tried alot of them on so mum could see what the item actually looks like. This was really helpful. Made for much quicker decisions (and quite alot of laughs!) It will be worth it. My parents are now settling into much more suitable accommodation and have much less “stuff” to worry about. Also…..avoid taking on items unless you really want them. I learnt that after returning home after our first clearing out weekend with a boot-full of stuff I didn’t really want! Good luck!

Collect all personal papers, documents, photographs, and any items large or small that you want to either keep or pass to family members because they have sentimental value/part of family history.
Remember to check all handbags and pockets for cash, bankcards, keys etc.

When you've done that, leave the rest to a houseclearance company. Don't be there when they do it.

I cleared my FIL's house and we asked the local charity shops and one of them sent a van and a couple of men who cleared a massive amount. The rest went into a skip.

I’m currently selling my parents home after they both passed away within 4 months of each other.
The house is just as it was when they were last there. It’s cluttered with beautiful mirrors and ornaments and furniture and pictures. Ive no idea what’s valuable and I’m so scared about throwing anything away.
It’s just awful 💔

I helped my mother and my aunt clear my grandmother's house when she went into a home. She was not there for the clearance. I think that things that might be handed down later, and personal papers, went into storage. We mostly focused on clothes (what would she need in the home, and what wouldn't she wear again), and I guess things like plants and kitchen equipment/food that wasn't going to be needed again. I remember emotions ran high.

I think the idea of lots of lidded boxes and labels is a good one. Transparent lidded boxes are best, and label them on several sides and on the top, so you can see the contents however they end up being stored. The reminder to look in all pockets of clothes before donating is also good!

I agree that giving a charity first choice of things that the family is not going to keep could be a good way to cut down on you having to dispose of things.

If it's the kind of house where there are lots of books, would it make sense to give a local bookseller first refusal before bringing in the charity shop?

If it's the kind of area where people leave stuff out on the pavement to be collected, might it be worth doing this or using Olio with some of the stuff to cut down on disposal costs? Of course, it takes more time to do it that way.

Wishing you and your family good luck with it.

I've personally not had to deal with this (we actually had to sneak stuff out of my mum's house because she did not want to get rid of anything...).

For my own stuff I have used the Marie Kondo method. It works very well. The book is pretty short.

I'm clearing my Dad's flat at the moment and it's gut wrenching. He was a bit of a hoarder and a tradesman all his adult life so he had lots of buckets/tubs everywhere with parts/bits in and these have been awful to go through. In terms of clothing, my sister took everything to the charity shop/homeless shelters apart from sentimental items that we've kept.

The hardest bit has been all the books and ornaments that were our stepmothers... all retro 1970 and 1980s cookbooks that really haven't stood the test of time and stuff that the charity shop hasn't wanted. And he had cupboards full of old plastics/tupperware that have all gone brittle. I stood throwing bags into the tip the other day sobbing... the man came over and asked if I was ok

It's so hard. I've done it and was one of the most upsetting experiences I've had. I had help of sibling but we argued. Luckily friends helped who were professional house clearers and it made everything much easier.

We put the sentimental ornaments etc we weren't sure about in storage. Visited on different days separately and together prior to the last day and decided what we'd like to keep, pass on. That helped.

Eventually (5 years later) donated the things we weren't sure of to a homeless charity and charity collecting for cancer research (the cause). You'll get through it but make the big decisions in advance.

DF has just gone into a home and we have discovered he was a bit of a horder! It took DM and I a day just to clear his study. She will be staying the family home for now but wants it cleared of "junk" he had even kept school books from the 50s, brochures and instructions from long gone household appliances and I have never seen so many old WiFi routers. DM said she feels it saves her sanity not being surrounded by clutter and saves us such a huge job should she ever downsize

I cleared my family home after mum had died. I took the sentimental things first, then I called the auction house who came with a van and took some things that I would have thrown in the bin. There was a plate that was chipped and cracked, I wouldn't have sent it to the charity shop. Apparantly it was a very old chipped, cracked plate and sold for £150. I filled her bin and my bin every week and packed the car with things to be donated/offered to family and friends. Her extensive collection of wooden spoons is now in use in multiple households. Finally I paid someone to come in and clear the outhouse and garage, take the beds and mattresses and odd bits of furniture.

I found it very difficult, I think I'd still be playing at it if my son hadn't called the estate agent on my behalf. In my garage I have three bags for life containing photos and stuff I couldn't cope with, I'll get to them in time.

Done this twice now. Definitely use a company or a charity that will clear everything and sell what they can - auction houses do it too. I went through every room first for personal stuff and papers. Got a mate to do the clothes. Try never to do it alone. Most stuff tends to be worthless unfortunately. Take pictures! Keep a diary. Save anything you're uncertain of but don't pay for storage.

My DM was killed in a car accident at 69 and as my last remaining parent we had to organise a funeral, wind up the estate and empty and sell the family home of fifty years. All done in three months.
I cried as I emptied every cupboard but it helped massively that she wasn't a hoarder. Quite the opposite.
I kept a lot of smaller things and still find strange comfort in using some of it. I even dug up stuff from the garden. The snowdrops are up at the minute. The rest was sold, given away or went to charity.

Very emotive thread I clicked on it because my mam is currently very unwell in hospital from a terminal illness, she's also caught Covid in there. She's battling on but I know it's coming, clearing the house fills me with dread .. I'm 32 and she lived there for 12 years before I was born. It's all I've ever known - happy and some maybe not so happy memories.

@cptartapp that's a beautiful idea with the flowers - one of my mams favourite flowers the snowdrop 😢

Siblings and I kept all DF’s books for 5 years until we could look at them.

I feel as though my DSis & DB have left it all in my hands. Neither of them want to know. I was lying in bed this morning worrying about it & thinking that now I have some understanding of why some houses seem to stay uninhabited and neglected until they're almost falling down.

I've put it off for 2 years hoping that they'd help and worrying about the right thing to do. My DM is no help at all. I have previously sorted through personal papers & given DM all the photographs. That was upsetting enough. It sounds daft but I get upset just standing in the kitchen looking at all my mum's cooking stuff, thinking about her & step dad being there happy.

I've decided I'm going to get a house clearance company to go and clear it. Easiest for my emotional health I think. I'll let DSis & DB know & they can go take what they want. They've shown no interest so far but they may change their minds if there's a deadline.

Sometimes the smallest things are the most precious. Whilst clearing my grandfather’s house I came across his blood donation card from the 1990s. Identical to mine from the same time as we are both B+. I knew he was a blood donor but didn’t realise we share the same, slightly unusual blood group. I treasure it way more than any bigger items I could have kept as it feels like such a direct link to him.

I bottled it and left it for my sister to deal with.
Then with mother in law, I sorted it and also used a second hand /clearance shop to take away the sellable/reusable stuff and then got a company to take the sorted rubbish, I then cleaned it and dealt with estate agents. Dh couldn’t cope with it, and I totally understood why. He was happy to go through a box of items I did put away for him, when the time was right, but it was much later.

I thin

There’s a book called The Life of Stuff which is kind of about this, but her mother was a hoarder. Not sure if it’s helpful now or not though, but it might help a bit