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Elderly parents

Pretending to have dementia

26 replies

rihanna4 · 05/03/2023 21:07

Has anybody experienced this in their elderly parent?

OP posts:
denpark · 05/03/2023 21:09

I haven't - what makes you suspect that your parent is pretending? It's a strange thing to do - are they ok? I have a parent with dementia and one that I believe is showing signs so I've got some experience

NerrSnerr · 05/03/2023 21:14

The big question is why do you think they're pretending?

My mum told us my step dad had dementia not long after they met. He had Parkinson's and was an alcoholic. Turns out she was just using it as a term because he was a bit forgetful and a bit of an arse. (He didn't have dementia at all- he died 20 years later because of his alcoholism)

rihanna4 · 05/03/2023 21:15

I think it may be a boredom and social nervousness and/or attention seeking issue.

My DF will ask things like "where are you living now?" or "how's school?" (I'm in my forties) or "is it my birthday?", and he seems like he is acting when he does this. He just doesn't seem authentic. Then, a while later he may pick up a bit and will join in the conversation more normally - as if he suddenly no longer has dementia.

He'll quip "I'm a demented old fool" with a big grin on his face.

He still drives - including long drives on the motorway and into central London.

My DH thinks my DF does it as he has nothing to contribute to the conversation when we meet up (with my DM). That breaks my heart, but I think DH may be right.

OP posts:
denpark · 05/03/2023 21:18

I found that odd comments like that started off as not being consistent when my mum first started developing dementia. It kind of came/went. She'd often explain things away by saying she was tired or being daft. Then it gradually got worse.

rihanna4 · 05/03/2023 21:18

My DM, on the other hand, doesn't claim to have dementia and is generally okay, but recently she confuses things or is repetitive - but in a believable way. When I contrast her behaviour to DF, he seems like an actor and manipulator.

OP posts:
denpark · 05/03/2023 21:19

Older people can get socially very anxious if they're not socialising much. They kind of lose touch of reality and how to interact

denpark · 05/03/2023 21:19

rihanna4 · 05/03/2023 21:18

My DM, on the other hand, doesn't claim to have dementia and is generally okay, but recently she confuses things or is repetitive - but in a believable way. When I contrast her behaviour to DF, he seems like an actor and manipulator.

He could be doing it to draw attention away from her. Like a kind of deflection thing.

rihanna4 · 05/03/2023 21:21

I should add that this has been going on for at least 10 years but there's no decline in his condition. I pressed my mum to get him referred for an MRI, and the doctor's report said that the MRI revealed only normal age related shrinking of the brain.

OP posts:
denpark · 05/03/2023 21:22

Oh that's really odd. Could be a strange learnt pattern thing?

rihanna4 · 05/03/2023 21:25

I do believe it's learnt and seems to be triggered by him not being the centre of my mum's attention. Even when my and my sister's young children are with us, he won't engage and instead will stare into space or ask the "forgetful" questions.

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rihanna4 · 05/03/2023 21:28

I think my mum knows he's pretending, but she goes along with it as he's a difficult, aggressive person and she doesn't have much alternative. Also, as he is (I think) opting out of participating in conversations and activities, it's easiest and least embarrassing for her to tell people he has dementia.

When we meet in a restaurant, my mum will announce to the hostess/waitress/everybody we encounter that he has dementia. She'll then proceed to order for him and talk to him like he's a child. It's like a little play that they've perfected.

OP posts:
denpark · 05/03/2023 21:31

It sounds very strange and rather exhausting for you. I suppose as long as they're not impacting too much on others then let them exist in this strange little bubble. I hope you're ok - elderly parents can be so tiring xxx

Saschka · 05/03/2023 21:31

From your last post, I think you are right, that this is a weird dynamic between the two of them. I would ignore as far as possible.

TommyShelby · 05/03/2023 21:34

This does sound like something hes doing for attention. Was he a bit of an attention seeker when he was younger? Before Dementia would be considered a suitable avenue for attention?

rihanna4 · 05/03/2023 21:35

Thanks for your responses. It is exhausting - it's especially exhausting harbouring this theory as I can't share it with anyone really as I'll appear awful. My sister won't have a conversation with me about it. I think it's too disturbing to face up to.

I worry about my DM and fear that she may be at the beginning of genuine dementia. As she "cares" for him, she'll have no one to care for her at home and will be living in a bizarre confused situation to start with.

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rihanna4 · 05/03/2023 21:39

TommyShelby · 05/03/2023 21:34

This does sound like something hes doing for attention. Was he a bit of an attention seeker when he was younger? Before Dementia would be considered a suitable avenue for attention?

He wasn't an attention seeker before, no. But his life has been shrunken for many years whereas my mum (who is 15 years younger than him) has friends and is outgoing. I think he doesn't know what to do with himself and this act is like an out for him. Obviously, it would be open to him to just be normal in social situations, but I think he's embarrassed and/or doesn't know how to be normally socially anymore.

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Qualityh20 · 06/03/2023 09:44

My mother had been pretending to have dementia for 10 years. I allowed her appalling behavior because I thought she was ill, she was spiteful and mean, always wanting gifts or money. She made my 90 year old father's life a misery. Last summer she was in hospital 6 weeks, she has parkinson's and had uti. I would phone every day so she didn't feel alone, I would cry most days as she was so hateful. She was being discharged and I went ballistic at the discharge team, that my father wasn't safe with her home, I did a lot of research and demanded test results....team very quietly said there is nothing wrong with my mother, I was really stern... again nothing wrong with your mother.... I was furious and said next you'll be telling me that she is making it all up..... absolute silence....the penny dropped, of course she was, she has all my life been a mean, spiteful, attention seeking narcissist. They explained all the scans and blood tests, I felt sick, her nurse told me mum enjoyed being nasty on the phone and would laugh after, she would laugh about being spiteful to dad to me. I spoke to her carers who also confirmed no dementia, where had I got that idea....mum told me and I accepted it. She says my sister is a liar and thief, my brother and dad are bully's so I would spend hours on the phone calming her down being kind to a woman who beat and neglected me as a child. She thinks it's funny and the real kicker for me is my dad lied and went along with it as he got all the attention and pity from me for having to live with her. He also calls my sister a thief and both my siblings are after money, they have been heavily subsidized by my parents all their adult lives. At the age of 62 I now realize my siblings and parents are sick, they have been keeping secrets from me that have recently come out and I have had to go no contact and blocked all numbers. I talked to dementia UK who said many oldies do it for attention and to excuse bad behavior as it's such an easy con, I asked if Drs could be wrong, apparently not, the tests can not be manipulated by behavior. So yes people do it and it's really shocking and hurtful. My family are messed up and dysfunctional, for my own sanity I have had to walk away. In hindsight it was bloody obvious but it never occurred to me my whole family were lying. There isn't much you can do tbh, it's sick behavior and pretty disgusting considering what an awful illness dementia is and the suffering it causes.

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/03/2023 09:48

He still drives - including long drives on the motorway and into central London. Maybe it’s time to tell him he needs to stop driving. That might persuade him he doesn’t have dementia after all

rihanna4 · 06/03/2023 09:54

I know. He re-does his driving test every year and passes...

OP posts:
kenne · 06/03/2023 09:56

You can get a cognitive assessment for him. Go to the GP with him and ask.

My grandfather was like this in the early stages - covering things with jokes and chuckles. You weren't quite sure if he was having you on. He could converse normally at some times, but then seem confused at others, or seem to have forgotten certain things.

Like being able to discuss current political affairs in some depth, but then shortly afterwards asserting that it was currently 1975.

In the later years it was clear that he had been masking and covering with the jokes etc for some time. later it stopped being possible for him to mask.

Qualityh20 · 06/03/2023 10:12

If my mum acted really batshit, I would say I will call back when she was feeling better, she instantly behaved. Navigating London and driving is blooming difficult, your mother should not be allowing him to drive if she really believes he has dementia,that is dangerous. This is co dependency and expecting you to go along with something you instinctively think is a fib. I wish I had called my mum out years ago.

Fredface1 · 11/07/2023 20:11

It's not a physical driving test the over 70s have to do it's a form and a GP visit which is easily manipulated. ( my mil lied about my fil dementia capability for years before they stopped him driving).

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/07/2023 09:46

Fredface1 · 11/07/2023 20:11

It's not a physical driving test the over 70s have to do it's a form and a GP visit which is easily manipulated. ( my mil lied about my fil dementia capability for years before they stopped him driving).

It’s a form every three years on which you have to declare you do not suffer from a long list of problems. You do not have to get a GP signature. When you consider that over half a million people in their 70s are still working, and probably a larger number doing voluntary work - ie all capable people, and the burden on the NHS if all these 70+ year olds started seeing their GPs to check if they were able to drive, you can understand why it’s just a form

The best way to stop older people driving would be autonomous cars.

The second best way would be good frequent public transport even in suburbs and rural areas, but while the rest of us prefer the convenience of cars, that’s not going to happen.

SheilaFentiman · 12/07/2023 17:35

Dementia is non linear - sometimes things can be there and sometimes not - but this does sound like a bit of a “double act” they have, even if subconscious

Fredface1 · 12/07/2023 21:18

It's annually if you have a condition like dementia and then a paper form and a GP interview.