Dad died and my mum

[Countquack]

I don’t know what I need from this thread but I am finding it hard to articulate my issues in real life.

My dad died. I am not coping well, I can’t think. I’m not able to work. But that’s understandable and I’m hoping to “bounce back”.

My mum and dad had been together for over 60 years and did everything together. They’re a days journey from where I live. My mum is getting rid of my dads stuff. She came home from him having died and started on his clothes. Now she’s getting rid of photo albums. She’s incredibly negative and nasty to everyone, including me.

I don’t know how to deal with my own grief and I can’t deal with her. Im petrified of having an elderly parent an unreachable journey away but she can’t move closer. I don’t think it would be the solution anyway. I am feeling completely knocked down and unable to cope and frightened, really frightened.

im going to go and deal with DC as I’ve been emotionally and physically absent but I’ll be back later.

For the time being, put your mum to the back of your mind. Yes, she needs help, but you can’t help anyone until you’re OK. Concentrate on what you need, and DC. And don’t worry about anyone else.

Sincere condolences. My dad died in sept and mum had to go into a home as she had dementia.
She died 4 weeks ago.

Look after yourself x x

Condolences. Mine died a couple of decades ago and DM shot straight into getting rid of stuff. So his wardrobe was cleared within days, as was stuff he'd used. I found it really upsetting, like she was trying to erase him. She gave away some of his clothes to friends so I then had to see them wearing them. Thankfully I have some presents he'd given me independently of her that I've kept so I have something.

Of course, she's showing no interest in sorting/clearing out her own stuff now

Is there anything you want to keep or particularly cherish? Even if you're not sure I'd try and get hold of it so you have it to decide about further down the line.

Your Mum has lost her life partner of over 60 years. Her reaction ( getting rid of clothes right away, being hostile towards other people etc.), might seem extreme to you, but it’s her way of dealing with her loss. Imagine the depth of grief she’s in right now, it’ll be equal to or even deeper then your own.

Perhaps call her and ask how she is-during the conversation, ask her to keep the photo albums and you’ll dispose of them for her. It’s possible that she can’t stand having them in the house, but she’ll agree to let you take them away, IYSWIM.

it’s a very difficult time for you both. 💐
W

I am sorry for your loss.

My infirm Mum was 4.30 hours away and I was her main support after Dad died. It's hard to keep all the plates spinning and deal with your own grief.

I constantly had to remind myself to take one day a time. Try not to let your imagination run riot worrying about the future.

For some people it's like ripping a sticky plaster off your skin. They know that getting rid of clothes etc needs to be done and for them it's better to get it over and done with rather than procrastinate. It was true of our family when DDad died.
It was also very necessary when DMIL died but that was because the property was a council property and also that DFIL had to move with DSIL as he was severely disabled and DMIL had previously been his carer.

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I loved my mum very much, but cleared all her stuff out within 2 weeks of her death. I didn't keep anything sentimental apart from some jewellery. We are all very different with how we cope with death

When my mum died, I was straight in clearing the house just to get it over and done with. I had everything charity shopped, sold, given away or skipped within 2 weeks apart from the bits I kept myself.

My best friend couldn't even go into her mum's house without breaking down for about 6 months and didn't get the place cleared for well over a year.

As posters have pointed out, we are all different and deal with grief differently. When my dad died (5 years before my mum) I honestly thought my mum would follow him to the grave she was so depressed. But she picked herself up, started doing some voluntary work and made new friends and found a new routine.

My mum used to say that the evenings were worse as the house was so quiet and lonely without my dad. Busying herself during the day wasn't the issue.

Can you perhaps invite your mum over to stay with you for a bit? My mum and I used to reminisce over funny things my dad had done or said and it really helped us bond over our grief.

That is actually a fairly common response. Are there any grief services or charities in your area or hers that could help

I think with people I know it seems to be one thing or another. Ie they clear everything out within two weeks of the person dying or alternatively five years later they still have all of their things around, like toiletries on the bathroom shelves.
Sorry for you loss op. Hopefully you have some of the most important things like good memories of your dad.

I’m sorry for your loss OP but I think you need to extend a bit of empathy to your mum too. She opens the cupboard and her husbands clothes are there a man she woke up next to every morning. I think if I lost DH everytime I opened the cupboard door it would be like being hit by his loss again, over and over. It may not be because she doesn’t care it may be because the loss is unbearable.

My Dad asked me to clear out my Mum’s clothes as he couldn’t open her wardrobe to see them. I actually still have a few of her favorite items, as I can’t bear to part with them-and she died over 20 years ago.

As PP’s have said, we all grieve differently.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Firstly, both you and your mother are grieving in very different ways. Iamsorry that she is being negative and difficult to talk to. That moat be hard.

Firstly, get yourself some grief counselling. This might be available through your NHS, so go to the gp. Also, look up grief support groups. These can be great.

Secondly, she's throwing lots away. Do you want something to remember him by? Do you want those photo albums? Try asking your Mum, for what you need to remember your Dad. Get copies of the photos you would treasure. If she's throwing stuff out, could you take any of it? She might regret throwing it out later, depending on how much she getting rid of. Could you store some of it? If she's very resistant, it might need hard, but it might be worth going there and helping her throw stuff out so you can grab what you want.

Thirdly, could you get others to support her too? Her friends or other family? My cousin lives closest to my grandmother. She keeps an eye on her for me and helps her out with the small things. Sometimes people need time before they'll admit they are grieving, and they won't always except help from their adult children. But if more than one person is suggesting she need grief support and telling her "are you sure you want to get rid of so much?" She might start to take it in.

Thanks, it is interesting to know that this is not abnormal behaviour.

Thank you for your condolonces for the loss of my father, they mean a lot.

I didn't post the full story, as I wanted input into one specific aspect that I was struggling with. I do have empathy, but this wasn't a post about her. This was a cry out from me.

I wish that this could all been smoothed over by inviting her to stay or by getting friends and family in to help.

I would love some therapy! I will keep trying my GP. I don't think my mum would go for it and would have no idea how to find out how she would access it.

I’m awfully sorry for all that have gone through similar.

This

My dad died in November, his tablets are still by the chair in the living room, his clothes are still out in mum’s bedroom. I want so desperately to move them but it’s not my decision to make. It’s so hard to grieve and be the strong one. I was back in work within days but its not because I don’t care, I needed to do it. This weekend I feel like I’m back to square one (following a distressing phone call about safeguarding and my dad from a social worker) but I can’t share that with anyone because I have to keep her going.

OP please be gentle with yourself and your mum x

My dad died three weeks ago. The funeral is on Tuesday. Like you, I am numb. I have barely cried. My sister and I are supporting mum. They had been married 62 years. One week after my dad died, I had to take their 20 yo cat to be put to sleep. My mum is now so lonely. She is trying to find things to occupy herself. One thing is clearing out my dads paperwork and clothes. I think it’s too soon, but it’s her way of dealing with such a big loss.
please have a hug from me, I know exactly how you are feeling just now, as do many posters of here xx

I’m so sorry for you both too. Thank you for sharing but I’m sorry things are so traumatic for you too.

mornings are the worst for me. I think nights are bad for her which means I’m the morning she can’t think straight and goes into manic mode. Poor woman.