Advice/thoughts please: 79 year old Mum wants to move

[choixduroi]

I live in Germany and my Mum is in the UK. She is very settled where she lives, has a lot of friends and does a lot of activities, e.g. music, creative writing. She has mobility problems but still drives and has short walks. She lives in a small house with stairs which she can manage. However she wants to move somewhere easier to manage. She doesn't want to move to Germany (did consider it during the pandemic and I wanted to look for a place here for her, but she now prefers to stay put which I do understand). She is generally in good health but gradually getting more doddery. I feel like she has at least 5 plus years before she would need more serious assistance. My Granny lived til 90 in the same town with carers, BUT she had 2 of her children in the same town popping in every few days and my Mum doesn't have that. Does it make sense for her to simply get a flat or bungalow in the town where she is, near shops etc, and then we worry further down the road about arranging a carer to come in if she needs it, or should I push her more towards a kind of sheltered housing/assisted living set up. From my research so far and info about places near her, such places look pretty dire and I wonder if a good carer would be better. I would be able to come over more often if she needed, but only every 4-6 weeks or so. I and the kids would also help her declutter and do the move. I do feel really guilty that I don't live nearer her, but have been 10 years here now, everything is here and not planning to move back to the UK. Sorry just realised this is very long but would you advise the bungalow/flat or something more 'assisted' from the start?

A modern flat or bungalow near town centre sounds ideal. Has she looked at what is available in her town that is within her budget?

She could easily have another 10 years plus of independent living so it sounds like a good plan to move and better for her to do it now that to wait til her mobility worsens

If there are any new developments of flats which have been build with the elderly in mind then that would suit her well

This.

Shop around as not all retirement/over 55 properties are the same. Some are expensive and restrictive others are far less so. Make sure you do due diligence to check out all the restrictions and costs.

And do try to find a flat with a balcony as it's good to get a little fresh air even if you don't want to go into the communal gardens.

Thanks for the very helpful advice and comments. Yes I am glad she wants to move, and I think she would be fine in an independent bungalow or flat, just something more easy to manage and no garden or just a little patio, and with two bedrooms. I said that I will basically 'do' the move for her as she is daunted by it understandably, and she wants to do it the summer after next and de clutter in the meantime. It's only a tiny house she has now but cluttered. There are a ton of bungalows in the area and some flats. She is very canny about real estate and good at finding good places to live and knows the area very well. So that's a good plan for now - I do worry a lot generally as I am abroad (although kids want to study in UK which will only be in 2 years time for the eldest), and can come over regularly but not the same as being in the neighbourhood and I don't have siblings. I wish she would live with her partner but they have lived apart happily for 20 years and I don't think she could handle living with someone again..

Just to add tot he poster who was talking about getting food delivered, some councils do still do meals on wheels.

My own council do and the food is OK, It's not Michelin starred but certainly edible.

You can have a 'tea' delivered at the same time.

So you get a hot meal and a pudding, and the 'tea' is a sandwich fruit and either a biscuit or piece of cake or crisps.

You don't have to have a meal every day and they do a bit of a welfare check, if you don't answer the door they will contact the friend / relative they have a contact number for.

It might be worth checking your mum's council, she might be fine for now but as she ages it might reassure you to know someone is checking on her once a day.

You can also find a removal company that offers a 'concierge' service. It's more expensive and more involved than just booking the packing service but offers a lot more support.

Thanks, that's very helpful!

I haven’t read it but have heard lots about the bestselling book ‘Dostadning: The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning’ by Margareta Magnusson which might help her with decluttering and downsizing decisions. (I keep meaning to read it but I don’t need much motivation to get rid of things having had to deal with the multiple households of stuff my parents had acquired.)

Also Ingrid & Lesley, the ladies who run The Declutterhub talk very sensibly about downsizing. They have a podcast (over 200 episodes) which is great motivation as you go about the task. Eg this episode on downsizing: Declutterhub

By the way I think it’s a great idea to move BEFORE she gets too many health issues. Bungalow or flat much easier to maintain too. I did help my parents downsize to a lovely bungalow but wish they’d done it years earlier.

@MMAMPWGHAP I love the Swedish Death Cleaning! I am very uncluttery myself, but my Mum can't bear to get rid of stuff. I've now bookmarked Declutter hub on Spotify. Kind of annoyingly since speaking to my Mum she said yesterday after a talk with her long distance partner that she doesn't want to move and would rather make adaptations to the house. Partner pointed out that peaceful neighbours are a huge priority for her which is true, she has had several feuds with noisy neighbours in the past but now gets on well with all her current neighbours. I mean it is a tiny house but does have stairs, which are not steep. Think I will let the topic lie for a few days. I at least managed to suggest that she gets a cleaner (she has never been the most enthusiastic housekeeper but it does need to be done), and she was positive about that. She is pretty worried about a cleaner stealing things (she doesn't have a lot but is very attached to things) and has never had a cleaner, so it would be a change. I think she needs a complete clear out, rejig the kitchen (very impractical fridge you have to bend down to), and see if a stairlift is possible. But for every argument I have, she has another one about why it isn't a problem. I think her partner has spooked her and it's all off the agenda. Maybe it's a fair point, that her current place has a lot of advantages, near all amenities, and it's a case of adaptations. Sigh.

Thanks @choixduroi ! You can easily reach a position of lurching from crisis to crisis so I think it’s a good idea to downsize the stuff before it becomes an emergency.
Elderly people do become quite vulnerable so having good places for valuables and documents etc is important.
Have done a LOT of work on financial documentation for my parents.

Yeah, I feel so guilty living abroad and not being around regularly. Only child also. I think what I need to do is arrange to go over to the UK on my own for extended weekends etc, my employer also allows me to work one week virtually from aboard per year, not tons but still.. Now my kids are teens and live 50% of the time with their Dad I do have more flexibility than I used to. Looking forward to kids studying in UK as at least they would visit also.

Hi, I wanted to update on this. My Mum definitely decided not to move. She just had her 80th which I was over for. I noticed that her house is getting more and more uncomfortable and it was 9 degrees in the living room! (claimed she wasn't cold). She is able to look after herself and fine but a lot of minor things don't work. For context, she has always been extremely opinionated and has always had a lot of things not working and not well organised, and that's fine, but it's hard for me to work out how to support her, for example last year I helped her sort out about 10 kg of documents and she was really pleased once it was done. I think I will commit to coming over every 8-10 weeks or so and cleaning and helping her (she won't get a cleaner because she has a horror of anyone potentially looking through her private things or stealing).

I’d go for the bungalow. My parents have just done this, they are 83 and 81. We figured we could get carers if needed in the future but for now they wanted independence and to be near friends.

Wow, 9 degrees is too cold. My house has no heating whatsoever on one floor and 9 degrees is as low as it ever goes at night with no heating. It's definitely not healthy for an older person.

Our living room went down to 5 while we were waiting for the replacement boiler to be fitted

Agree, 9 is too cold. Insurance companies require an empty house to be heated to 15. That seems reasonable for an absolute minimum.

My Mum is nine years further on than yours and didn't make the move 🤯. She now wishes she had but is too poorly. She finds herself isolated ,immobile and unable to tend.the garden which was her pride and joy.

I really like the idea of sheltered accommodation where the owner has am apartment but there is a communal lounge and sometimes even dining facilities. Whilst your mum is still mobile she may not feel the need but if her health deteriorates, she would still have company and a social life ...and no gardening worries. You would have the peace of mind of a staff member close at hand.

Good luck!

She should move if she feels ready.

Hi Op. I guess you have to leave her to it for now.
My DM (79) has just left her home town (in November) in the midlands where she had plenty of friends and everything ok her doorstep that she could have wanted... except family. So we made the decision for her to move closer to either my DSis or me. My sister is on north London and close to herts borders and that was deemed the next place for her.

She is in sheltered accommodation- a lovely flat close to the high street. A really lovely warden who lives there full time , communal lounge where they have coffee mornings, show films, have quizzes, games afternoons etc. it's great and she is getting to make friends. I know they can be hard to sell but hers had 3 offers on it and had only been on the market for a week so went for it.

We all feel much happier now. That said - I know that we would not have been able to persuade her unless you was open to the idea!

Is your mum an outside person ?
in that I mean, does she like the garden (not to maintain) to sit out have a drink,read potter

what about a 2 bed over 60’s new apartment
ground floor so she could sit out or easy access to gardens.
Theres a manager of the apartment and you have a phone if you need any help
A lot are in towns or villages
Are there any near your mum ?
McCarthy Stone
there ideal as there all on the flat
you can be independent if you want in your own apartment or they have a big lounge with afternoon tea and evening events.

Just because she’s fit now doesn’t mean in 5 yrs she will be.
mil was fit until she fell and broke her hip
everything went down hill from there

She needs to do it sooner than later

I think this is best.

Shame she has decided against a local bungalow or flat, which sounds as if it would be the best chance of het keeping her independence longer. Does she have a downstairs toilet?

Thanks everyone! Yes she has a downstairs toilet, and the stairs are carpeted and very shallow, however yes at some point they may become unmanageable. She has someone do the garden every 3-4 weeks and she does little things herself. Garden also not huge. Tbh if she had a cleaner and a walk in bath I would feel more comfortable. But she has never been the greatest housekeeper, always has done things her way and never prioritised having things super clean and organised - which is her choice of course- so hard to know what's that, and what's not being able to take care of things adequately for her safety/comfort. It would be ideal if there was a sheltered accommodation and think she would be open to that at some point, is a tricky area for it. I think for now I will go over more often and help her with jobs I know she wants to do, and see...