struggling to cope

[NotTooOldPaul]

I might be out of order posting on here as it is not about an elderly parent by about my wife.
She is 76 (she is 3 weeks older than me).

I am struggling to cope, she uses a Zimmer to move around the flat and does virtually nothing to help with normal household tasks like cooking, washing etc.
She does occasionally do some ironing.
She uses a wheelchair outside as her balance is so poor that she keeps falling over.
We bought a stair lift so she can get downstairs safely.

She seems to have stopped thinking, she was a university lecturer but now she forgets words and gets angry with me if I don’t know what she is talking about.
She might say “Do you know where it is?”.
If I ask what “it” is she gets annoyed and angry with herself for not knowing the word and with me for not knowing what she is talking about.
I don’t expect anyone to come up with a solution, but I just wanted to share and get it off my chest.

That sounds incredibly difficult for you.

Have you got any GP involvement? Has the Memory Clinic being mentioned?

Ah bless you, I can understand how hard it must be for you as well as her. Please talk to gp, if possible get people into help like cleaners maybe carers once a day. There different organisations that do days out which might be good for the both of you, getting it sorted now is the best idea 💡 🙏

So sorry to read this. Please seek support- has she got attendance allowance?
age uk, carers association, local adult social services can all offer help.
also do you have power of attourney in place for you both?

sounds like the onset of dementia im sorry to say . if you can get her to your GP they can access and diagnose , that will then open doors to support for you both .

Oh gosh that sounds like my grandma and it turned out to be the start of dementia and within 6 months it rapidly deteriorated and now my grandad and grandma live with my parents ad my grandad could no longer manage with her on his own. He was left to do all the house etc like yourself. My grandma has gone from a loving lady to quite a nasty spiteful awkward one due to dementia getting worse. Bless you being a very good husband, try to remember good times during the bad. Take her to a Dr im sure they will offer advice also. Keep your chin up your doing great 🙂

Thanks for all your lovely replies.
I’ll try to respond to what you all said.
My wife gets attendance allowance and we decided to use it to pay for a cleaner, this means the flat gets a really good clean every four weeks and it stops me worrying that I’ve missed anywhere.
I do clean between the cleaners’ visits.
Her GP is involved but in my opinion as services are stretched can’t do much until things get worse.
I agree it sounds like the start of dementia.
My wife went to the falls clinic and they provided the Zimmer, a three wheeled walker and lots of advice.
The physio taught her exercises but she does not do them and I am not going to nag her as I already nag her to take her tablets for her heart.
One lot of nagging is enough.
I’m trying to avoid carers as we both love going away on holiday in our caravan, I’ve fitted loads of handles in the caravan so it is easy for her to move around in the small space.
We both like being away and carers rots would never cope with this.
It might be needed in the future.
I am aware of a few local organisations that can help and have been in touch with them.

My DP father had dementia
Our understanding was that early diagnosis was important as you then get medications which slow the progress of the disease. The NHS was better when he was diagnosed but I would really try to push for this.

If you are coping alone with the daily tasks, why is the cleaner coming only once a month? Is the AA being used for other things?

Is there a local day centre your wife can go to so you get a break? DP mum found that helpful.

@GingerAle1 Thanks for replying.

I am keeping in touch with her GP and agree that the GP will act when needed.
The cleaning company assessed us as once a month but that was when we were both mentally fit and healthy.
It is still enough as cleaning is easy and keeps me busy.
I am probably better with loads of physical tasks to do.
There are local day care places, but to be honest I don't think she is ready for that yet.
She is very happy to be at home with me and her happiness matters more than anything.

Hi OP you sound lovely and caring. But don't forget you need a break. You said in you first post that you are struggling to cope. Take that day care place even 1 day a week and you will be able to look after your wife better the other 6 days and probably for longer.