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Elderly parents
Original poster

This is it isn't it?

26 replies

Pearfacebananapoop · 24/02/2023 19:02

New to this board and sorry if what I am asking seems basic. But I am really starting to see concerning signs in my mum that I am finding very challenging. I feel horrible even writing that. There are definitely some memory issues but to be honest a lot of it just seems to be downright rudeness. It's like all filters have gone. Whatever you say or do is wrong. She is fast turning into my grandmas whose behaviour she despised.

Examples;

  • go to a restaurant there is nothing on the menu she likes (there is plenty) sits and sulks and moans about it even though she had been invited out as a treat
  • complains incessantly about an advert on the radio because she doesn't like the woman presenter doing it
  • repeats every Daily Mail headline of gloom possible repeatedly yet asks me where I am going this weekend 5 times even though I have told her
  • tells me incessantly random facts about people I have no interest in but can't remember something her granddaughter just told her.

Is this it now? Is it just going to get worse? Is it early onset dementia? I don't know.

On the flip side she can sometimes be very sharp about things and is still very active. Yet she has a serious knee problem and is still doing a high impact sport that I suspect will render her disabled at some point. She's 71. However will not stop doing said sport because she knows best.

Is it pig headedness or more to it?

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 24/02/2023 19:05

My DM is 82 and she does your last two points constantly. Thankfully she loves eating out and trying different foods. I think it's just that her life has got smaller and she hasn't got much else to think about. She definitely hasn't got dementia. She is just old.

Original poster
Pearfacebananapoop · 24/02/2023 19:17

Thanks for reply @ApolloandDaphne I hope she is same. I agree about world getting smaller - especially since covid. She still has a busy life but doesn't see her friends as much partly because they are still covid cautious to a degree but I worry it's because they also see the behaviour change.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 24/02/2023 20:00

Is it early onset dementia?. No, she’s 71. Early onset dementia is a specific term for dementia that has an early onset, ie before 65. Is it the early signs of dementia? Possibly. Possibly just increasing age and diminishing of horizons.

mnahmnah · 24/02/2023 20:55

My DM is getting increasingly like this. She’s 74. Other things she does, as well as what you mention - Always sees everything from her perspective, nobody else’s and zero self-awareness. Sulky if things aren’t going her way. Obsessed over doom and gloom headlines or discussions on Jeremy vine. Always the victim if you point out any of her shortcomings. Brutally honest and expects you to accept it because if she ‘can’t be honest with her own daughter, then who can i be?!’ So entitled, expects everyone to bend to her and sulky because she hasn’t got the lifestyle she wants. I could go on!

Original poster
Pearfacebananapoop · 24/02/2023 20:59

@mnahmnah your post gives me hope it's all normal yet scares me at the same time 🙈

I forgot to mention foodbanks in my original post. Everyone who goes to foodbanks is a criminal/scrounger/liar - despite me pointing out one of her relatives would be using them if they weren't financially supporting them.

I hope it's just old age I really do. It's just such a departure from her old upbeat self.

OP posts:
mauvish · 24/02/2023 21:06

How's her hearing? If she doesn't remember what she's been told, it's always worth checking if she actually heard it.

mnahmnah · 24/02/2023 21:12

@Pearfacebananapoop

Oh yes - poor people, food banks etc. A bit of casual racism, sexism and homophobia. Throw all that in too! Also very very judgemental of people, particularly their appearance. Even just watching the news, she will analyse their hair and clothes. Just female newsreaders though.

I make her sound awful! But these things pepper an otherwise kind, fun mum and grandma. She seems to be able to turn a harmless topic of conversation round to her general ‘the world is doomed’ outlook.

Original poster
Pearfacebananapoop · 24/02/2023 21:12

@mauvish good point. I think it's ok but I will look out for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pearfacebananapoop · 24/02/2023 21:13

@mnahmnah are you my sister?!

OP posts:
fufulina · 24/02/2023 21:15

So similar to my mum. She’s 80 now and COVID seemed to accelerate things. She’s just got mean. She never used to be mean. 😞 I don’t think it’s dementia, I think it’s just old age.

mnahmnah · 24/02/2023 21:21

@Pearfacebananapoop
Not unless you are my brother!! Ha.

We had a function a few years back with my SIL’s family - all very well-educated, liberal, accepting nice people. Mum randomly mentioned brexit and immigration. I ran to my brother and said ‘immigrants! She’s on immigrants!’ He just said ‘on it!’ And went straight to her to drag her away! How she thought these people would agree with her is beyond me. It was also a very casual garden thing and she turned up in flamboyant clothes, boots etc. A couple of people commented to her. She took it as a compliment that she got people’s attention. I was cringeing.

Munchyseeds2 · 24/02/2023 21:21

I'm sure its just old age....my mums the same in many ways!

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 24/02/2023 21:24

I think it's boredom, pain, bombardment from the news, bewilderment of the unbelievable change in the world over the last ten years, need to find conversation, taking those closest to you for granted, and maybe side effects of meds, poor sleeping perhaps..... Making them vague, tired, impatient, intolerant.

Fluff up her feathers, tell her she is great and mother her.

Original poster
Pearfacebananapoop · 24/02/2023 21:27

@mnahmnah they would be perfect together. Likeness is uncanny.

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 24/02/2023 21:33

@Pearfacebananapoop

The problem is, due to their lack of self awareness, they would probably be highly critical of how judgemental or doom and gloom the other one was!

Obstackle · 24/02/2023 21:37

Try not to be too judgemental.

We're all going the same way.

PillBoxes · 24/02/2023 21:38

My mum at 69 went from a vibrant intelligent loving woman to the wicked witch from the West in a very short time.

Be thankful that your mothers/relatives are only verbally dodgy and sometimes repetitive although that can drive you up the walls too.

Mum, without anyone knowing as she never went near doctors except for her flu jab and check over once a year, had been having TIAs and was developing vascular dementia. I'm telling you, no word of a lie that when I took her out for lunch, on more than one occasion I had pots of tea thrown at me, chairs upended, shouting, the works. It was awful both for her and for me as I doubt she had a clue what her behaviour was like. I think of it as frustration. She could not remember everything she thought she could, she was also frightened by it all.

I really knew things were bad when the "handbag" syndrome started. That's where her whole world revolved around her handbag. And her purse, counting and re counting her money, thinking everyone was stealing from her, screaming at potential strangers (thieves). When I think back on it.....

My siblings and I took turns to look after her by using sabbaticals, leave of absence and shorter hours etc. I will never regret that, but it was bloody tough. Mum eventually needed full time care, and surprisingly was very happy in her new home as she said she was now "the boss" and could tell the staff what to do. They knew how to deal with such things brilliantly.

I am sorry for the essay, but I wish you well. In your case it could be just boredom and a shrinking world, but keep an eye on it and keep in the loop with her GP. I wish you and your mum well.

TheSnowyOwl · 24/02/2023 21:38

A lot of it does sound like dementia but it’s also true that as we get older we often get more confident in what we think, which can show itself as self importance, rudeness, obstinance, selfishness etc.

3luckystars · 24/02/2023 21:39

Sounds like normal old age behaviour to me, that’s just my experience though and you know her best.

Ivy7 · 24/02/2023 21:41

This.

Original poster
Pearfacebananapoop · 24/02/2023 21:41

@PillBoxes I'm sorry you went through that. We went through the same with my Nan (her mum) especially the handbag scenario. Maybe that's why I am hypersensitive to it as I don't want the same for her.

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PopGoesTheProsecco · 24/02/2023 21:46

My mum (nearly 80) is like this too. Spouting Daily Fail headlines and long stories about interactions in supermarkets but also racist, homophobic remarks.

She was in a care home for a while (after a fall), and would moan about the ‘Chinese’ care givers saying they were cruel and made her eat ‘Chinese porridge’ every breakfast. The reviews of the home she was in were excellent. To be honest I find it hard to be around her.

I no longer take the kids to see her because they can’t stand her views.

LarkRize · 25/02/2023 17:20

Lots of similarities to my parent and in laws - they each now live in a tiny world which revolves round them and nothing else really matters…

MissMarplesNiece · 25/02/2023 17:37

I'm seeing the same with my mum. Only yesterday I was thinking "When did you turn into this spiteful, mean person?".

DahliaMacNamara · 25/02/2023 20:45

It's hard to know. I never saw my own parents become as insular and self-obsessed as my ILs, but they were very different people. MIL has mixed dementia now; FIL, who's older, does not. MIL's dementia, in terms of being clinically observable, has been a very swift and dramatic decline, but her way of relating to others over the years leads me to wonder whether the signs were there for years before. But you can't advise someone to see a GP because they're being almost comically self-centred.