Being too harsh?

[openingbat]

DF has been through a lot. Lost my dm, then cancer treatment early last year which he's struggled to recover from (in remission but v tired and various niggles)

We've all supported him a lot so he's not been going through it alone, but he's been very down and not really making the effort to get better mentally, more wallowing in it tbh which has taken it's toll on the whole family.

More recently he's been in and out of hospital with an infection lasting six weeks, and is now physically pretty weak as well. While he was in hospital they offered him counselling (hurrah!) which he agreed to, but when they rang him to arrange he's refused it. The doctor is ringing him next week to discuss physio for building his strength up, and I'm betting he will say he doesn't need it (he does).

Quite honestly I feel like laying the cards on the table with him and saying if he's going to refuse the outside help he clearly needs, I'm going to have to take a step back for my own mental health.

I can't keep trying to help him, and being snapped and moaned at on a daily basis. It feels like we are flogging a dead horse. Am I being too harsh?

I don't think it sounds harsh. Sometimes these things have to be said as clearly as possible. Depression and physical health can be very draining and I am sorry for your DF, but he has to get help in order to keep going (if that's what he wants). My parents had to do it with my late GF as his persistent and aggressive refusal of any help or support with his issues was making my GM seriously unwell.

But equally, you have also lost your DM and been through the cancer mill with your DF and you have to look after yourself. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.

I hope you are able to make some headway with your DF. Are you able to write a letter to your DF's GP? I don't think they can discuss his details with you but it might be helpful to lay your concerns out in writing to them before they call him.

Best wishes to you. x

I don't think you are being too harsh - my DM is similar to your DF and I understand how draining it is for you. I also know how difficult it is to "step back" thinking "If I don't help DM she'll accept professional help". It doesn't seem to work like that. It's almost like a mind game - who will blink first, me or DP.

My DM turns down professional help (or ignores what they say) but then continually moans about her health & mobility. It makes me very sad to see her declining but also very frustrated that she does nothing that will help herself. For instance I organised a physio assessment and a physio assistant to come to the house to take her out walking to build up her strength, balance & confidence. Every week when the assistant turned up they were sent away - obviously after a couple of tries they said they were cancelling the arrangement. DM also refuses to use the aids that she was given by the physio. Now I sit and listen for (what seems like) hours while she complains that she can't get out & about.

I cried for an hour on the phone about DM, to my psychologist when he phoned to check in on me. Poor chap was probably expecting a 10 minute call. I don't think our DMs, DFs etc realise the toll things take on us.

I don't think they do realise the toll it takes, but my DF should do as it was only three years ago he lost his own dm, who was of a very similar disposition. In fact I told him the other day he's exactly like her!

I've found brutal honestly the only way that works with my M. I would tell him that he needs to take the help offered as you are struggling as well as him

I don't think that's harsh at all you are setting and communicating clear boundaries.

It would be harsh if you didn't tell him that.