How to help stubborn elderly parents

[starryeyed13]

Will try to keep this brief - my parents have a very dysfunctional marriage. They separated for a number of years but ended up back together. They’re in their early 70s now but both have significant health problems. My Dad has been deteriorating for a number of years and is now bedbound and doubly incontinent. He has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s on top of various other medical conditions. Up to now he has been at home with carers 4x a day and my Mum caring for him too. I’m an only child living 100 miles away but try and come up every weekend. This is becoming more difficult as I have 2 young children and a full time job which is very intense.

I’ve asked for years for them to move nearer to me - they have no support or friends/family near them. My Dad is on board but my Mum doesn’t want to move. They live in a big house which my Mum can’t manage anymore - it’s filthy and whilst I do my best to try and clean when I go up, they’ve had recurrent problems with mice recently.

I just don’t know how best to support them. My ability to help practically is more limited now because of my own young family. In all honesty my Dad probably needs to be in a care home as my Mum can’t provide the level of care he needs, but none of us want this as it feels like giving up on him.

Neither of them have anything really in their lives and live for my visits with the grandchildren. If for whatever reason I can’t make it up I end up feeling huge guilt as I feel responsible for their happiness. I just feel so torn between my children and my parents and I want to help my parents but I don’t know what else I can do. Thanks for reading.

Hard to understand why , if no real ties to the area and a mice ridden house, your mother wants to stay. I think you are going to have to really work on her. Does she realise that she may be left alone there if his condition worsens . ? Perhaps you could sell her the idea that you could help her with your Dad and she could help with kids .

I don't see what else you can do for them . Very difficult situation. It will become harder as you will be tied to school and activities as your kids get older.

You just have to be really clear with what you can and cannot manage and leave the choice with them. She has to decide how much she wants to see you all. It might all just feel a bit much for your mum. Maybe you could try and arrange respite breaks every now and then and ask your mum to come and stay for that week. You can then see how living closer/ together feels and she can make more informed decision.

You could try the argument that if your father loses capacity, decisions will be made in his best interests, and it’s more likely that the decision will be made for him to stay at home if that home is clean and mouse-free. (Of course, she may not want him to stay at home).

Try not to blame her when you talk to her. Tell her how well she is doing supporting him. Leave her with some self respect

It sounds like your father will soon need to be in a nursing home anyway, so your mother's needs will change when this happens.
You're really stretching yourself with your job, children and visiting your parents every weekend. It isn't sustainable. You're going to have a breakdown soon at this rate.

Your dad getting 24/7 care in a care home will be the opposite of you giving up on him - a good care home will give him more care and support than carers at home. Would he be self-funding? Could him moving to a home near you be the trigger for your mum to move to a retirement/assisted living home near you at the same time?

Do you have a good understanding of their finances, and do you have POA? (I know it’s the standard mumsnet question but it makes such a difference to financial management especially).

Otherwise, as above. Decide what you can do (I think a visit a fortnight given your full time job and children is already doing an awful lot) and do no more. If your mum’s choices mean she doesn't see as much of you as she’d like then that is down to her, it’s not to you to try to fix that.

Your kids are going to end up with clubs, activities and friends to see at the weekend; you can't reasonably expect them to miss out because of your parents. And your parents would be completely selfish to want this.

It's your DM's choice to live where they are in the house that they're in. You've got a choice about how you spend your time, and it sounds like travelling every weekend to try and prop everything up is running yourself into the ground.

I wouldn't frame a move to a care home as giving up on your DF, at all. We had a phase where my DF had carers in 4 times a day but even with that level of support it was still too much and he needed full time residential care. The run up to the move was very stressful with repeat hospital admissions and panicked phone calls from DM but once she accepted he needed to move it all felt more sustainable.

It's maybe better to get to the point that you accept he needs residential care and trying to sort it now, rather than his care being driven forward by crises.

It sounds like you need to speak to you DM and say you can't carry on with the weekly visits and cleaning. She's unlikely to want to hear it but your can't facilitate their life choices at the expense of your children, and you're not responsible for their happiness to the point that they decide to do daft things and you jump through hoops to make it better.

It's so hard isnt it my grandparents are really struggling now. Grandad 90 and very frail been in hopsital twice since Xmas and my Grandma is blind so he used to look after her. Crazily he has been in good health up to this point but just seems to have hit a wall and cant do anything for himself or her. We as a family live fairly close but have been doing 24hr care since Xmas between about 4 of us. No one will even give us help to get them any care been in the waiting list 2 months now and been told it takes 4 to 6 months. It's so hard I work so my shifts are mainly the weekend. Which means missing my kids clubs and doing social stuff with them. I feel so bad choosing between 2 sets of people who I love and need me equally. I sympathise indeed.

Don’t sink yourself with it. Preserve you and your family first, especially as you have small children. I have been there and put myself in hospital trying to do it all - with young children. It’s hard to step away but there’s only so much you can do. Guard your energy and boundaries.