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Elderly parents
Original poster

Hygiene issues with DM

31 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 12/02/2023 12:03

She doesn't shower. Ever! Her house is totally adapted to enable her to do so. She lives alone and can manage perfectly adequately but she will not shower, preferring to just wash at the basin.

To my shame I had to have strong words with her recently when she had an accident with her colostomy bag leaking. (I don't want to go into details but it wasn't pleasant and I had to do a major clean up). I basically told her that if she didn't start showering, I wasn't going to take her out anymore. :( She was still refusing to even change her clothes until I pleaded with her to do so. It would have been so easy just to strip off in the 'wet room' shower and get properly clean. I fear these accidents will only get more common and I dread visiting. I hate feeling like that, I feel like a rubbish daughter but I also gag at being near her or taking her anywhere. Isn't that terrible. It needn't be like this if she would just shower and deal with her bag properly. I'm not great at being a nurse but I'm trying to be for her sake but it's really getting me down.

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 12/02/2023 16:45

I can't even imagine how bad the smell is if she's not cleaning up colostomy spills.

Does she have full cognition and do you think it might be time for a cater to come in each morning to assist her to shower?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 12/02/2023 16:49

She is lucky there haven't been any hospital stays. Currently do a clean now and again for a similar customer who gets regular infections from lack of hygiene.. Maybe step back. Tough love op. She needs to face the repercussions of her own choices...

watcherintherye · 12/02/2023 16:52

If she’s having difficulty managing her colostomy bag, would it be possible to get someone to go through it with her again? Would the Community Nursing Team (I think that’s what the old District Nurses are now) be able to help or are there specialist colostomy nurses?

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 12/02/2023 17:49

@watcherintherye yes that’s getting organised. What’s happening shouldn’t be happening so a visit from the nurse will hopefully fix that. But DM isn’t dealing with the consequences of wee accidents properly and I cannot understand why she thinks it’s fine. Even without the accidents, she should shower but she hasn’t had one in months, possibly longer. It’s getting to the stage where I don’t want to hug her anymore :(

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 12/02/2023 18:16

Sorry I meant carer.

Teeshirt · 12/02/2023 18:18

Is she struggling psychologically with the colostomy bag, because she can’t bare to look at herself naked?

Teeshirt · 12/02/2023 18:19

Bear/bare -both ways.

Noonesperfect · 12/02/2023 18:42

Have you tried getting to the bottom (no pun intendedGrin) of why she doesn't want to shower? Maybe there is something she's worrying about or concerning her that could be overcome.

pizzaHeart · 12/02/2023 18:46

Would she shower with someone waiting outside? She might be scared to do it while alone.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 12/02/2023 19:28

I’ve said I’d wait outside the toilet when she showers. I’ve said I’d help her. She doesn’t seem to mind whipping up her jumper and dropping her trousers to show me so I don’t think she’s shy. She used to say she didn’t want her hair to get wet which is no excuse as she could wear a shower cap and/or have the shower head down so low it would miss her head. It’s totally geared up for her as the previous owner was in a wheel chair so it has handles and a fold down seat. I’m amazed she’s not caught any infections.

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 12/02/2023 22:32

Would she accept/could she afford a carer coming in to help her shower? Sometimes it’s easier with someone who isn’t family.

CharlotteRose90 · 13/02/2023 00:00

Has she had the colostomy long? I have friends with them and most of them said for Atleast a year they wouldn’t look at it. Hopefully the carer comes in soon. It’s not great to be sitting in your own urine or faeces but I can partly understand why she doesn’t want to look at herself .

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/02/2023 00:24

My mum was like this about showering/bathing and ended up with a nasty infected eczema on her lower legs due to poor self care. It was a bugger to shift once it set in but once it cleared and I took over washing etc it was quite easily managed with regular moisturising. In the end I used to go and shower her/wash her hair once a week. Bladder issues also which she was in complete denial about. I understand the smell issue, I would gag when I walked in their house sometimes. Didn't help the heating was set at about 27 as she felt cold all the time.

I had to be very frank with her and tell her she smelt which wasn't well received, but had to be done.

Chocchops72 · 13/02/2023 06:41

how blunt have you been with her OP? Have you told her straight out how bad she smells? And worked out why she doesn’t want to shower?

Teeshirt · 13/02/2023 07:11

Is it down to cost? Cost of heating water or the actual cost of water if she’s on a meter?

ShippingNews · 13/02/2023 07:20

My DM got like this when she was in the early stages of dementia. Same situation - perfect bathroom set-up, everything so safe and easy, but she only ever had a wash in the sink. Cupboards full of incontinence pads, but she used tea towels stuffed into her pants, and had a pile of tea towels on her chair "to keep the chair clean" but was totally clueless that the pile stank of urine. Oh dear, it was awful, and if I said anything ( I was pretty blunt) she'd just look blankly at me and keep doing it. You have my sympathies.

PritiPatelsMaker · 13/02/2023 07:35

That must have been so awful for you all shipping.

I did suspect early dementia from the OPs first post.

Ladybug14 · 13/02/2023 07:37

I agree with @ShippingNews

It could be a sign of dementia

I'd get carers in daily for personal care

Is she eating and drinking OK?

Ladybug14 · 13/02/2023 07:38

Have you got LPOA?

Ladybug14 · 13/02/2023 07:43

I'm sorry.... I sounded rather blasé about getting carers in. We only managed it with Dad because we got the GP out, he insisted and Dad then agreed

It made no difference that we had health LPOA because Dad had capacity (then) and was refusing

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 13/02/2023 08:13

both Me and my brother (who helps also) have POA.
she’s had her bag over a year now. She manages fine and under normal conditions doesn’t smell but she should still shower at least once a week imo, just get a good clean. It may well be dementia. She had carers when she came out of hospital last year but she can manage without. She eats ready meals. Her bags are cut to size bit she always trims a bit and I think this is why they leak. We have continually told her not to but she still does.

I was very blunt with her last week and said if she doesn’t shower I’m not taking her out anymore. She’s well into her 90s. Thought we’d lost her last year but she pulled through. She seems bullet proof re infection. She can be very single minded as if to prove she still is independent but it’s not for the right reasons. She can well afford to heat the water and the house is like a sauna so that’s not the issue

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 13/02/2023 09:25

It’s possible to keep yourself clean without showering. My dad is incontinent and doesn’t shower but he is perfectly huggable! Your issue isn’t that she doesn’t shower, but that she doesn’t keep herself clean.

As to why? Is her shower room warm enough? It needs to be warmer than tge rest of the house. There’s a second as you step into the shower when the jets at the edge feel very cold, and if her bathroom isn’t very warm, she will feel chilled when she comes out of the shower. It’s warmer washing at the basin because there’s only a small portion of you naked and wet at any one time. Also, she won’t smell the urine, she’ll be used to it and her brain won’t register it. Have you told her she smells?

Remember that until she was in her 40s it wasn’t at all common to have a shower in a domestic house. Showering isn’t as hard-wired into her as it is into you.

Chocchops72 · 13/02/2023 09:33

I was very blunt with her last week and said if she doesn’t shower I’m not taking her out anymore.

And what did she say in response? did she acknowledge what you said or recognise that there is an issue?

Would she accept instructions from a continence nurse or other medical person?

the sense I’m getting from your post is that you feel she should just do what is (to you) the most obvious and sensible thing. Maybe you need to find out more about what she’s thinking and why she’s not keeping herself clean? Does she recognise there is an issue? Has she said why she doesn’t use the shower? What does she say when you tell her that the bag is leaking and her clothes are dirty?

Pfeiffle · 13/02/2023 09:54

Does your mum have a chair for the shower? Can she sit down/stand up ok? Does she have dizzy spells or balance problems? Is it a wet room or a shower enclosure? Would she be willing to allow carers to help her in the shower? Sorry for all the questions. We had a similar problem and it did cause infections and delirium but with regular showers this stopped.

stopringingme · 13/02/2023 10:16

Maybe she is scared of falling, my Dad is so he showers when the carers are there.

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