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Elderly parents
Original poster

What will happen if I contact the DVLA to say I don’t think they should be driving?

121 replies

WhiteboardMarker · 08/02/2023 12:53

NC

Just that ☹️ eyesight has gone badly downhill the last few months

Feeling absolutely wretched, car is their last lifeline

Will they have to do a test?

OP posts:
Frazzledmummy123 · 21/02/2023 11:00

Chippy1234 · 08/02/2023 16:19

I have relatives living in Cornwall. The number of older people living down dirt tracks or in the middle of no where with no idea about what they are going to do if driving becomes impossible is staggering. What actually ends up happening is that they carry on driving anyway....

I know a PP said that maybe they didnt want to leave the area but not at the cost of driving around when they shouldnt be!

When the time comes for me I will be moving to a town which has great transport links not sitting there with my arms folding saying 'why should I move?'

When the time comes for me I will be moving to a town which has great transport links not sitting there with my arms folding saying 'why should I move?'

I tip my hat to you. I wish everyone (my df especially) thought like you andnit would cause so much less stress.

StrongTea · 21/02/2023 11:01

It is scary, have an uncle who really should be considering giving up driving.

smileladiesplease · 21/02/2023 11:11

It's very tricky op been there.

Welfast · 21/02/2023 11:14

I reported my mum. She had cataracts and poor vision. The dvla took away her licence. She said she would get taxis from then on, but never did. (I drove her)

curtainsontheline · 21/02/2023 11:28

God it's awful isn't it.

I reported DF - like you w great trepidation given need to give name.

DVLA got in touch w DF and appear to have asked him if he had a condition that means he can't drive. He doesn't, and both GP and optician say he's ok to do so. They are wrong, IMHO, but I cannot physically remove his car keys, so I can't see what else to do.

He's not driving at the moment, as it happens - and it may be that he's already driven his last, but that has not been formally decided... I have made it clear that none of my family will go in a car he drives, and that I think he needs to stop completely.

You just have to report. However terrible you feel about it, just think of the lifelong guilt and horror if an innocent person was killed or badly injured.

I'm sorry... but please, just do it. Today. I was pushed into doing it by a thread I started here, and (even though it didn't make an immediate difference) I'm very glad that I did report him. I'll do it again, if he starts driving again...

countrygirl99 · 21/02/2023 11:45

We reported FIL but his issue was slow reactions rather than a specific medical issue so he was allowed to continue. A few months later he hit a roundabout and wrote his car off. Thankfully there were noone else around but the police had to close the road until the recovery vehicle came and they sent him a letter advising a thorough check up before he drove again. Until he received the letter he was determined to carry on and was vile to anyone who suggested otherwise.

Chippy1234 · 21/02/2023 11:51

Its rentless isnt it. My BIL has just told us his DM has early onset dementia. Its rife and we pat ourselves on the back and coo about all those people living to 90, 100 plus. Its not right. The quality of life for the majority is just not there. Various relatives are picking up the slack, driving elderly people around or racing round to resolve the lates crisis just because the older person has chosen to move somewhere daft, stay where they are or just refuse to have carers in. Of course if you do it that would be just dandy.

Can you tell I am heartily sick of it!

I come from London so although now we live fairly rurally I would have no issue in moving back. I know the other side of the argument is that if they have capacity they need to make their own decisions but the consequences of reckless behaviour is ALWAYS suffered by the next of kin.

I dont know what the answer is TBH. We could withdraw but they are your parents. You cannot just leave them.

Sadlifter · 21/02/2023 12:17

When the time comes for me I will be moving to a town which has great transport links not sitting there with my arms folding saying 'why should I move?'

Young people always assume they'll just move when they are elderly. You probably won't want to.

Sadlifter · 21/02/2023 12:18

Chippy1234 · 21/02/2023 11:51

Its rentless isnt it. My BIL has just told us his DM has early onset dementia. Its rife and we pat ourselves on the back and coo about all those people living to 90, 100 plus. Its not right. The quality of life for the majority is just not there. Various relatives are picking up the slack, driving elderly people around or racing round to resolve the lates crisis just because the older person has chosen to move somewhere daft, stay where they are or just refuse to have carers in. Of course if you do it that would be just dandy.

Can you tell I am heartily sick of it!

I come from London so although now we live fairly rurally I would have no issue in moving back. I know the other side of the argument is that if they have capacity they need to make their own decisions but the consequences of reckless behaviour is ALWAYS suffered by the next of kin.

I dont know what the answer is TBH. We could withdraw but they are your parents. You cannot just leave them.

So ageist! Hopefully your relations have other helpful people around them who don't wish they'd died earlier.

Soothsayer1 · 21/02/2023 12:18

I dont know what the answer is TBH. We could withdraw but they are your parents. You cannot just leave them
Why not, they made the choices that lead them into the situation 🤷

Soothsayer1 · 21/02/2023 12:20

My parent's attitude to me was very much along the lines of, 'you made your bed, now you have to lie in it'
I take the same approach to them...fairs fair 🤷

Sadlifter · 21/02/2023 12:21

Soothsayer1 · 21/02/2023 12:18

I dont know what the answer is TBH. We could withdraw but they are your parents. You cannot just leave them
Why not, they made the choices that lead them into the situation 🤷

Yeah fuck em.

Hopefully they did the same when you made the choice to have kids.

Soothsayer1 · 21/02/2023 12:24

Sadlifter · 21/02/2023 12:21

Yeah fuck em.

Hopefully they did the same when you made the choice to have kids.

Show quote history

How do you mean, I'm not quite with you?

Sadlifter · 21/02/2023 12:26

I mean if you have a shit relationship with your parents and they never helped you out with your own life choices then fine, ignore them when they need support. If they helped you out with your life choices then don't be so quick to drop them because their lives are now inconvenient to you.

I mean you as in one, not you personally.

Soothsayer1 · 21/02/2023 12:44

Sadlifter · 21/02/2023 12:26

I mean if you have a shit relationship with your parents and they never helped you out with your own life choices then fine, ignore them when they need support. If they helped you out with your life choices then don't be so quick to drop them because their lives are now inconvenient to you.

I mean you as in one, not you personally.

Thank you, my parents were not particularly parental... To say the least!

Sadlifter · 21/02/2023 12:47

Soothsayer1 · 21/02/2023 12:44

Thank you, my parents were not particularly parental... To say the least!

Show quote history

Nor were mine. I spent years and years convinced I'd never bother to help them but I've realised that I probably would. Just because I'm a more caring person now and no longer see it as a subjugation to them. It's hard though I know.

Soothsayer1 · 21/02/2023 12:57

Sadlifter · 21/02/2023 12:47

Nor were mine. I spent years and years convinced I'd never bother to help them but I've realised that I probably would. Just because I'm a more caring person now and no longer see it as a subjugation to them. It's hard though I know.

Show quote history

I'm not going to be cruel, I'm kind and supportive over the phone, but really there's very little I can do, because of the damage that was done by my childhood I am very limited.
These things are very complex and very heavy, in my mind I feel very bonded to my children if they are upset or suffering I almost can't bear it, but my parents ..I find it very easy to distance myself from them.
When I look back I can't see that they were ever upset if I was suffering, they seem to find it very easy to put me out of their minds.

Smidge001 · 21/02/2023 13:08

@WhiteboardMarker you say it is the eyesight that has gone downhill - is that not something that can be addressed via an opticians or surgery? Elderly relative of mine just had laser treatment for glaucoma and it worked wonders. Though realise not everything is treatable.

rose69 · 21/02/2023 13:14

If their licence does go and they can’t manage publicise transport check to see if you can apply for any disability allowance as this has a mobility component. This could then be used for taxis.

countrygirl99 · 21/02/2023 13:33

Also see what community transport exists in their area. My mum uses a community minibus to go to the supermarket and there are volunteer drivers for things like the dentist.

AnnaMagnani · 21/02/2023 13:59

bilbodog · 21/02/2023 10:47

When my father had dementia over 25 years ago we simply removed his car - for a few weeks he thought it had gone to the garage and then just forgot about it - he was very amenable though which made it easier to do.

We tried a version of this with FIL - his car was 'broken' for a long time. In reality it just had a flat battery but no-one let on.

Unfortunately he was on the local BMW garage's mailing list so he opened a letter suggesting he bought a new model. He thought this was an excellent solution so we were forced into action.

Frazzledmummy123 · 21/02/2023 14:01

@Chippy1234
Various relatives are picking up the slack, driving elderly people around or racing round to resolve the lates crisis just because the older person has chosen to move somewhere daft, stay where they are or just refuse to have carers in. Of course if you do it that would be just dandy.
I know the other side of the argument is that if they have capacity they need to make their own decisions but the consequences of reckless behaviour is ALWAYS suffered by the next of kin.

I am living this right now and agree wholeheartedly. I will help my parents where possible, however what I have an issue with is, a lot of this help is needed because of stubborness and irrational decisions.

They live in a large-ish house in between two steep hills with big gardens at front and back, no downstairs loo, and is nowhere near amenities. My dad has terrible mobility and can't manage hills, has toilet issues and refuses walking aids. He stumbles around grabbing onto walls and furniture, it's only a matter of time before he has a nasty fall. He still drives (a call to dvla is probably going to need to be made soon). They won't get a gardener as they are too expensive yet my mum whines 24/7 about the stress of the garden, and the stress of cleaning the house. Refuses a home help or carers, and martyrs herself. My dad is also getting very confused but they won't speak to their gp.

I have 3 young kids, 2 with ASD, and live in a constant state of anxiety having to constantly worry about my parents who are doing nothing to help themselves. I am worn down by it, and I've made a vow that if I'm lucky enough to live to old age I will not be putting my own kids through this by stubborn and reckless behaviour.

Sadlifter · 21/02/2023 14:33

countrygirl99 · 21/02/2023 13:33

Also see what community transport exists in their area. My mum uses a community minibus to go to the supermarket and there are volunteer drivers for things like the dentist.

Great suggestion 👌

Sadlifter · 21/02/2023 14:34

Frazzledmummy123 · 21/02/2023 14:01

@Chippy1234
Various relatives are picking up the slack, driving elderly people around or racing round to resolve the lates crisis just because the older person has chosen to move somewhere daft, stay where they are or just refuse to have carers in. Of course if you do it that would be just dandy.
I know the other side of the argument is that if they have capacity they need to make their own decisions but the consequences of reckless behaviour is ALWAYS suffered by the next of kin.

I am living this right now and agree wholeheartedly. I will help my parents where possible, however what I have an issue with is, a lot of this help is needed because of stubborness and irrational decisions.

They live in a large-ish house in between two steep hills with big gardens at front and back, no downstairs loo, and is nowhere near amenities. My dad has terrible mobility and can't manage hills, has toilet issues and refuses walking aids. He stumbles around grabbing onto walls and furniture, it's only a matter of time before he has a nasty fall. He still drives (a call to dvla is probably going to need to be made soon). They won't get a gardener as they are too expensive yet my mum whines 24/7 about the stress of the garden, and the stress of cleaning the house. Refuses a home help or carers, and martyrs herself. My dad is also getting very confused but they won't speak to their gp.

I have 3 young kids, 2 with ASD, and live in a constant state of anxiety having to constantly worry about my parents who are doing nothing to help themselves. I am worn down by it, and I've made a vow that if I'm lucky enough to live to old age I will not be putting my own kids through this by stubborn and reckless behaviour.

What will you do to make sure you don't inconvenience your children?

Frazzledmummy123 · 21/02/2023 14:55

@Sadlifter it isn't about 'inconveniencing', it is about taking responsibility for yourselves to the point where you are living sensibly and not having your offspring or next of kin picking up the pieces of your bad/stubborn decisions. It is never an inconvenience helping out where it is genuinely needed and not self brought on.

To answer your question, I'll be doing the above. No offspring of mine will be feeling stressed with worry aboutnme about something that could be helped.