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Elderly parents
Original poster

My retirement

10 replies

Petchats · 03/02/2023 15:53

Hi I am desperate for advice please.
Me and my husband have his 85year old mother living next door (widowed 3 yrs) I tried to have a conversation with him about my retirement I am 7 years older than him.and in a year or so I would like to downsize home. I was stone walled and he was miserable. I need to plan my future now Am I being unreasonable, surely m in law would understand as I don't want to be 'past it' if she is still here another 10 years.There is so much stress and my marriage is unhappy.
Thank you

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 03/02/2023 16:33

You can’t make him downsize, but you can get divorced without his consent.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/02/2023 16:55

How imminent is your retirement?

What's your relationship with him like generally?

trulyunruly01 · 03/02/2023 17:05

Im afraid the time to have that discussion was when you, or your MIL decided to move next door to the other.
Why do you want to downsize -
For financial reasons? If you will be unable to pay your share of the house's outgoing after you retire, then your dh will have to pick up the slack if (a) he wants to remain married and (b) he wants to stay in place until his mother passes away.
For lifestyle reasons? Any chance of a holiday home where you spend much of your time doing what you want to do.
For 'I don't want to be your mother's carer' reasons? Then make this very clear from the get go. No shopping, no housework, no accompanying to appointments.

trulyunruly01 · 03/02/2023 17:07

I do appreciate your concern. DH and I have very different ideas about our retirement, but I am sticking to my own plan come hell or high water - I'm having MY retirement.
Maybe your dh could move in with his mother?

Soontobe60 · 03/02/2023 17:15

Why do you have to move house to retire? Is it for financial reasons or because you don’t want to end up spending your retirement looking after her?
You need to be honest with your DH about your reasons. And he needs to listen to you!

PritiPatelsMaker · 06/02/2023 22:47

How were you stonewalled @Petchats? That doesn't sound pleasant.

There is so much stress and my marriage is unhappy.

You sound very unhappy. What would your ideal plans for your retirement be?

Babyroobs · 06/02/2023 22:48

If you split would you have enough equity to each buy a smaller property?

greenspaces4peace · 06/02/2023 22:52

retiring, downsizing and your mil are three separate issues .
can you not retire without downsizing? and is the mil living next door a problem?
you're not communicating very well.

SlipSlidinAway · 06/02/2023 23:03

Why does your desire to downsize trump his desire to stay put?

Are you saying you can only afford to retire if you downsize?

Restinggoddess · 07/02/2023 00:07

Ask him what his plans are for the future
Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants or what it will be like if you retire
At the end of the day he probably would agree that you want to retire and enjoy life

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