Worried about mum and dad

[Rosebel]

My mum has had quite a lot of falls in recent years but has mainly been okay afterwards. She had a fall just after Christmas and another one last week. My dad has taken over looking after the house, has been that way for quite a while and he looks after mum too. When I say looks after I don't mean physical care or anything but if she falls she can't get up, she now really needs two people to get her in and out of the house, things like that.
After most recent fall mum said her ribs were painful and dad is worried it's from where he helped her up.
My sister lives close by in fact all of us siblings live within 20 miles but does he call anyone to ask for help when mum falls? No of course not. Will he agree to being signed up to an alarm system where they contact someone to help if mum fails? No. Will he accept carers coming to the hou6? No. He won't even agree to leave the house and have a drink or go to the garden centre while one of us sit with mum.
My sister goes over most days, I go once or twice a week and my brothers probably once every 10 days. It doesn't matter who's there he still won't go out on his own or with someone.
I'm worried about my mum as she is now almost housebound. I'm worried about my dad as he's exhausted and if he won't accept help fear he'll make himself sick or worse.
They do have the support of local nurses and mobility services came out recently and will be providing some aids. There is a builder coming to fit handrails outside so good in that sense but can't stop worrying.
I work nearly full time and might have to get a second job and I have 3 children but I feel guilty like I should be doing more but what can I do if he won't accept help.
A, while ago they did talk about going in to a care home but it's incredibly expensive and I have a feeling it was more to do with your savings have to stay at a certain amount which would mean us siblings paying for it and dad doesn't want that.
He's so stubborn and I think he forgets he's almost 80. Not 50.
Is there a way I can persuade him to accept our help, even if he won't accept outside help? I really worry about them both anyway but can't help being really worried about what will happen if he gets sick. I think he believes asking for help makes him a, failure. I think it might be a generation thing.

It is so difficult when parents become elderly.
Could you suggest respite in a care home for a couple of weeks for your Mum ?
Say, “ Dad, you’re exhausted, this is just a little break for you “ tell him it’s temporary.
What that will do is first he will begin to realise how much he’s doing & how tiring it is, most people don’t actually realise because it’s a gradual thing, taking on someone else’s care. We tend to only recognise how much we’re doing when we have a break from it.
Second by being looked after by care staff/nurses they will be able to tell your Dad honestly how much care your Mum needs- it is much better coming from non family.
Otherwise I’m afraid the next thing you can do is just accept that she will end up falling numerous times, & one time will end up going to hospital,& there she’ll be assessed & might end up with a package of care at home, or again respite at a care home.
You are in a very ,very common situation, I have been through it unfortunately many times both personally & professionally. It doesn’t make it any easier.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Considered one for my Dad. I was so looking forward to getting away from being on tenterhooks all the time, then I found all it did was call me. Such a disappointment! Then Dad threw a strop, maintained his phone system was illegal, and if I attached anything to it he would be in prison. So that put paid to that.

@MereDintofPandiculation yes. I looked at these years ago, concluded that it was another way of me getting a call and moved on! I look back from time to time as so many people recommend them that I wonder if I’ve got it wrong or systems/services have moved on. The marginal advantage is if the individual falls out of reach of the phone however, I seem to recall that pendants have limits on coverage as well. I got my mum a mobile that holds charge for about a week and a small fabric cross body bag to put it in - seems like a reasonable compromise. The real game changer would be a lift team who can come round.

Dad wouldn't even consider a care home, even briefly. I get it. They've been married over 50 years and obviously it would be a massive change.
My brother thinks dad is worried that if he stops (has a break) he'll suddenly become ill (whereas at the moment he's almost too busy to get ill).
Pendant sounds a good idea but not sure Mum would wear it and probably Dad would still be against it.
Mum doesn't want to go in to a home but she hates being a burden on Dad so I don't really think it's an option.
She does now have a zimmer frame and shower chair. Spoke to GP who said they will chase Falls Clinic.

@lovemypuppa sorry, I missed your post about Carecall. I had a look and in Stockport (not my parent’s area unfortunately) they do offer the service of coming around - well in theory; they also say they will decide what’s best, ring a relative, ring an ambulance or send a team. I think I’d be wanting to know how many are on that team… I’m not sure if you are in that area as I can’t find another reference from a different place in the UK. It’s hard to Google though as the name Carecall isn’t distinctive and throws up many spurious links. This is exactly what’s needed nationally. There are so many links to pendants claiming, feel safe, feel independent, help will be on the way. Then you read on as @MereDintofPandiculation said to find that the help is actually you or an ambulance.

Do you think that your DF might be worried that if she has respite care it will become all too obvious how much care your DM needs?

Did she ever see a Doctor over her ribs @Rosebel.

If it's getting to the point that he's denying your DM medical attention or not exactly denying but not calling for help when it's obvious she needs checking over, it sounds as though it's a safeguarding issue.

I think it's time to talk to your local social services. Does your DM have a SW?

We got to the point where we had a different Safeguarding issue with the ILs and the SW did help although I had to phone every bloody day to give them a push.

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick, but it doesn't sound like your dad is caring for your mum... You say he doesn't physically care for her, just picks her up when she falls. If so, it doesn't sound like carers are needed. They are more for people who need physical help eg washing and dressing. Carers wouldn't pick people off the floor - they're not allowed. It also wouldn't seem like a pendant is needed for when she falls if your dad is always there - he can call for help. The falls clinic should help - they can look at why she's falling and give advice or equipment to try to prevent this. If your dad's tiredness is to do with having taken over running the house perhaps a cleaner / gardener / laundry service / meal delivery etc may help?

Yes he's tired from running the house but also it's the constant worry. He doesn't sleep properly because he worries if mum gets up in the night she might fall (she won't wake him because she is as stubborn as him and doesn't want to be a burden). So I think he's absolutely stressed and exhausted because he's doing everything including getting her to appointments and speaking to outside agencies.
No he won't accept any help in the house
I wish he would but he won't accept help until something terrible happens.

No he won't accept any help in the house I wish he would but he won't accept help until something terrible happens

This is exactly how it was for our DILS and it is exceptionally frustrating isn't it?

In the end we had to step in and get them both medical attention and alert SS that there was a safeguarding issue.

its very difficult OP. When I was an advice worker for Age UK I found that I was often able to say things that family couldn’t because I didn’t have the emotional baggage that comes with being a member of the family

your DF might be more willing to listen to someone from a charity like Age UK than say a social worker

maybe worth putting it to him that if she keeps falling she will inevitably hurt herself badly, end up in hospital & then all the services will descend and they’ll be swept up in the ‘system’. Far better for him to take control & make proactive decisions rather then wait for a crisis and make decisions on the back foot and in a hurry

Apologies it looks like Care Call are linked to my local council so we'll have likely been recommended them by social services who were involved in dad's illness periodically. I would imagine other council's have similar things available but they really are fantastic, we pay around £12 per week from memory and whole family thinks it's money well spent.