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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Power of attorney for dad's wife - who I don't like and is very controlling

19 replies

S2P78 · 31/01/2023 10:24

Hello,
So to cut a long story short, I am joint power of attorney (with my brother) for my dad who has alzheimer's (nild stage at mo) and his wife (who had a bad stroke last year but has recovered somewhat). I'm not close with my dad as my parents split when I was six, but recognise that I have an obligation here to look after him to some extent (but in all honesty, would rather not do this either as it stirs up a lot of upset feelings as he's never looked after me, and we've had a difficult relationship).
But I also have joint power of attorney for his wife - who I don't have a relationship with and don't like. She's a very controlling woman who has at times been unkind. Again, she's never looked after me, and nor would she. The first power of attorney for her is her sister, but she lives a long way away and is elderly. So I believe it will fall on us when the time comes...and I have sleepless nights about looking after them both and the impact on my life/mental health. I'm constantly worried about how this will all play out.
My question is, can I, having signed the power of attorney for his wife, refuse to take it on when the time comes? I don't want to leave my brother in the lurch (who feels similarly) but also think I'll go mad if I do it.
Both at the moment do not require care and are mananging day-to-day lives. Besides, she's so controlling when we did put some care in place to help them now and again at home, she cancelled it.
Thanks for any advice. I've done power of attorney for my granny before when my mum died. I loved my granny and was happy to do that. This is different.

OP posts:

Original poster

S2P78 · 31/01/2023 10:27

Bear in mind that the reason I signed up for PofA is family pressure and expectations. It would be unheard of in my family for me not to do this - and it just seems expected by extended family that we'll look after dad's wife in her old age.

OP posts:

EyesOnThePies · 31/01/2023 10:29

POA is about decision making, not actually doing the looking after.

MereDintofPandiculation · 31/01/2023 10:29

You can choose to stop acting

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 31/01/2023 10:39

Yes you can rescind your attorney position, but as pp said POA is just about the decision making process it’s not an obligation to carry out care for the subjects of the POA. So presumably the pressure from your extended family would still remain in terms of the expectation that you take on their care?

Also, was the POA set up so that you and your DB acted Jointly? Or could you act separately? Because if the former, can one attorney just resign and the POA continues or does the POA end and a new POA have to be set up with just the one attorney? I’m not sure if the answer to that, just a thought, but might be a complication if your DF no longer has capacity to sign a new one.

CarPoor · 31/01/2023 10:43

Poa is decision making. You don't have to do any caring. It seems sensible that your dad's wife has someone to make decisions for her if necessary, but you don't have to do anything. She may never even need it if she maintains capacity.

Original poster

S2P78 · 31/01/2023 10:55

@CarPoor isn't it about managing her finances, and being on call if a hospital needs you to drop everything to go see her, etc? She had a bad stroke last year and I was expected to ditch work and go to her then (that was more family pressure though which is the toughest part of this I think). My family is very old-fashioned and think as I'm a woman with no kids I should do the caring, whereas my brother has kids and a 'more important job' (not true - my job is very busy) so he doesn't.

OP posts:

Littlewhitecat · 31/01/2023 11:00

POA does not place an obligation on you to care for anyone. A hospital will not call you and demand you drop everything and visit. Go to the Office of Public Guardian website and read up on what it actually means. As people have said up thread you can remove yourself. You need to check which POA you have - health, financial or both. You also need to check whether it is joint or joint and several. Sorting out finances if the POA is joint only and the attorneys live miles from each other can be challenging.

AnnaMagnani · 31/01/2023 11:02

No one can force you to be an attorney - you can just decide not to act.

However it sounds like you have family pressure which would make that difficult.

In terms of Health and Welfare - it is absolutely not about dropping everything and rushing to hospital. It's about making decisions when the person is not able to do so themselves - you are supposed to say what you think they would want if they were able to say so themselves.

Some LPOAs are very engaged and others you are trying to track down and only involved for a chat on the phone.

EyesOnThePies · 31/01/2023 11:04

POA means that if she is deemed not to have capacity, you could make the decision for her to be cared for in a home! If it could easily be argued that that was acting in her best interests. Which if no relatives (including you) could / would care for her directly, it would be.

NotDavidTennant · 31/01/2023 11:07

It sounds like the real problem here is the family pressure and not the POA.

Mum5net · 31/01/2023 11:13

Believe me, it's better to have it, and to choose to stop acting, than not having it at all.

wasacasa · 31/01/2023 11:16

when you say “family pressure” who is that? Who in the family is putting pressure on and why aren’t they taking on the role?

toomuchlaundry · 31/01/2023 11:18

POA and care are 2 separate things. If she loses capacity and you have the health POA you can advocate for her, but that could mean you can put her in a home and leave the caring to them

Original poster

S2P78 · 31/01/2023 11:21

@wasacasa My dad's side of the family - uncle, aunt, and also my brother and his wife to a certain extent. It's just expected that we'll care for her. When she had a stroke last year it was me who was asked to drop work and go to the hospital. A family whatsapp group was set up and I was put in charge of being the person the hospital called with updates. All shit will break loose if I just disengage, which is what I guess I'm worried about! I also don't want to fall ut with my brother as if I don't do it at all, he'll have to.

OP posts:

Original poster

S2P78 · 31/01/2023 11:22

Nobody else takes on the role because they're either too old, or think it's my responsibilty as the woman with no kids.

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 31/01/2023 11:25

I would leave the WhatsApp group if I was being told it was all my responsibility

BouncingWorms · 31/01/2023 11:25

You don’t have to drop everything to go to the hospital, but a hospital might reasonably (if wrongly) assume you’re a dearly loved family member who would want to. They won’t judge if you just tell them to go ahead with whatever they want to talk about.

Original poster

S2P78 · 31/01/2023 11:26

@toomuchlaundry that whatsapp group has calmed down now she's out of hospital, thankfully, but if it kicks off in the future I might do that - although also don't want to fall out with people, as I've no other family!

OP posts:

MereDintofPandiculation · 31/01/2023 20:15

isn't it about managing her finances, and being on call if a hospital needs you to drop everything to go see her PoA Finance is about managing finances. PoA Health and Welfare is about stating her wishes when medical decisions or decisions on her care need to be made. Finance can take effect when the person still has capacity, but H&W cannot take effect until the person has lost capacity.

Also, was the POA set up so that you and your DB acted Jointly? Or could you act separately? Because if the former, can one attorney just resign and the POA continues or does the POA end and a new POA have to be set up with just the one attorney If a replacement attorney is named, they take over.

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