Helping sibling who lives closest to mum

[GOODCAT]

My parent has deteriorating and significant health problems. My sibling is struggling. I live two hours away, work long hours and have other commitments, so practical help is hard. My other sibling is significantly further away.

My sibling cannot keep up with taking parent to hospital and doctors appointments, generally needed around 3 times a week. They keep having to ask work for a lot of flexi time. They also have children and no support.

I am struggling to help from a distance. Is there such a thing as an organisation who will take someone who is severely disabled to appointments. The problem with my sibling not going is that then it relies on my parent to know what action they need to take.

My parent isn't quite at a point where they need a care home, but I think it is coming.

Any advice?

I'm afraid it sounds as though your parent really is at the point of needing a care home, OP. That's a hell of a lot of pressure for your sibling. They could end up losing their job over this. It must be absolutely exhausting, too.

In a care home they'd be accompanied to hospital and your sibling would be able to stop being a carer and become a daughter/son again. They need to spend the rest of their mother's life visiting them rather than worrying like crazy about having to take yet more time off work.

What professional input is your parent getting? You would hope they would be able to advise.
I hope your parent is up to date claiming Attendance Allowance etc.
Most care agencies will offer appointment cover. Depending on the issue, adult SS at the local council may be able to help with funding, and finding a reputable agency.

Thanks, no help coming at the moment as a care package that was meant to be in place went badly wrong as they got the address wrong so area completely wrong and they turned up at the wrong place but it took days to get to the bottom of why no help was coming. Hence additional stress at the moment.

That should now be sorted, but I think it is going to be care home time so will discuss with both of them this weekend unless events overtake that.

Also are things like poa in place? Attendance allowance? Local carers support group?

When I was the closer child what I really appreciated was my sister coming to stay with me for a few days and taking over all mum-related tasks and being great company for me. She also called mum pretty much every day.

@GOODCAT
Check local Churches or councils for Community Transport, there are local volunteer groups that do take people to appointments as you describe.

Home Instead www.homeinstead.co.uk offer a wide range of services by the hour including cleaning, washing, cooking meals and maybe able to take to and from appointments as well.

Respite care, this can give your sister a break or the ability to go on holiday.

As pp said offering to go up and cover for a few days will also help your DSis.

Would Age UK be able to give you some pointers to other organisations who can help with the appointments etc?

This is a lot to deal with for your sibling… My mum does what your sibling is doing and it’s almost a full time job aswell as the rest of her life. My mum does online shops for delivery, pays all bills, organises cleaners, gardeners and maintenance etc. Also has care staff.

I do think your relative needs more support - I would look at care homes or assisted living set ups now. I think often people wait until they absolutely cannot manage and that’s too late imo. Could you pay a private carer to deal with the appointments? Also make sure you have POA in place. Good luck to you xxx

Thanks they now have someone coming out to provide care and have applied to extend adult DLA to the care components as been on that for years.

I call every day and I am taking lunch up at the weekend, but I can't stay over night because of my own, much lesser, caring commitments which mean I need to be at home overnight.

The current thinking is that they will need to go into a home if they can't manage on their own, with carers. The comment from @ICanHideButICantRun about becoming a family member again rather than carer really resonated. However, emotionally for us kids it still feels like a rejection of our parent when they have done so much for us, but reciprocating is so very hard.

@GOODCAT i am late to the thread, but very glad that you are getting some professional help.

As the wife of the sibling closest in MIL’s case, it really got to the point where his siblings need to not ‘reject the parent who had done so much’ was secondary to DH’s need for respite. It continues to this day even though MIL has died, DH has the burden of sorting her affairs while the 2 siblings wring their hands. Their guilt is secondary to DHs health as far as I am concerned.

I know you are thinking of this but do not underestimate the toll on your sibling and please ensure your parent accepts the help offered.