Support for my dad to care for my mum

[sleepwouldbenice]

Hello all
Will try to keep this brief!
Parents in their 80s, mum v recently diagnosed with vascular dementia but we've guessed for a while, my dads health isn't bad for an 86 year old but he has his limits
Am in the process of sorting attendance allowance form, we have health and wealth POA plans, and then will sort needs assessment for them both. Have I missed anything?

But also with the needs assessment. I will get them done but fully expect them to have to pay as they have the funds

But what would really like to sort asap is help for my dad with caring asap. He's starting to not go out and see anyone and barely leave her to even pop to the shops. Ideally I would like to sort a paid carer to come round (same person) one or two afternoons a week or an evening on fixed days so he can continue with his hobbies ( golf and bingo) for his own physical and mental health . As I say payment is not the issue, finding the right support is

Any ideas please. Is it best sorted through a charity or privately..? How do you find good , consistent people ?
Thanks so much

Have you looked at Crossroads? They offer a service that sounds like it would be suitable for your needs.

Hello, sounds like you are getting the key things sorted- poa, attendance allowance etc.
For local help, try local Facebook/ next door groups, local recommendations- vicar, surgery- local authority website often has information. Age uk may have local groups. Agencies are usually more expensive- check cqc inspection reports.

Thank you. Just need to get it right, to keep his confidence going, and hopefully mum will feel happy with it too
Will take a look at the ideas any other recommendations welcome

Have you considered asking your father what he feels he needs? And I don’t mean just ‘dad, how are you … really feeling about all this and how to plan for the future’.

Thanks for asking
He's been of the " we just have to struggle on" approach ( probably driven by this all increasing over civid when they did have to get on
But he's quite relieved at the idea of help, I just need to convince him he doesn't have to care 24/7
Move to a care home might not be far away but would like him to enjoy their life and time together and apart whilst they can

Have you asked how they are managing with cooking? And whether your mum is able to look after her personal care such as toenails and hair cleaning etc. there are relatively easy ways of sorting some of these things. Are there local ‘daycare’ facilities where she go could eg weekly for a morning or an afternoon? They often have fun activities such as craft, cooking, easy exercise or singing. All best to your parents as they navigate through this next chapter. Mine are very similar ( but slightly younger).

My family have very similar problem (dad is 93 care giverand mum is 87). Start small and progress from there (we started with a regular cleaner 2-3 times per week plus Handiman and a gardener). It all adds up to helping your dad to care for your mum, but always with his/their peace of mind too

An 86 year old caring for another 80 something with dementia?? This is an accident waiting to happen. I would strongly encourage a move to a care home before anything happens that will lead to a fast decline. It’s also not fair on your dad, he is too old for any kind of caring responsibilities. I was in a similar position with my grandparents - what happened was he had a fall, ended up in hospital, grandma was admitted as a social patient as she wasn’t safe to be at home alone, he died on the ward panicking about what would happen to her next. She had the shock of her husband dying and moving to a care home in the same week, and died there 6 months later herself.

Had they moved into a care home earlier the fall may well have been avoided, and even if it wasn’t, he would probably have died surrounded by his things and with her there, knowing where she was and that she wouldn’t have an imminent move on top of his death.

Please don’t wait until ‘something happens’ as it’s awful. Get them comfortable somewhere now, together.

I would Google 'companion carer' for their locality and see what comes up. The very poshest care agency locally certainly offers companion care (though who knows if there are actually any available).

Are there any local newsletters, websites, residents' associations, WhatsApp chats that you could advertise in? If they don't know, do they have neighbours who might?

I'd also agree about getting multiple bits of help set up, though it might be exhausting keeping track. A mobile hairdresser, a cleaner, a handyman/gardener you can save up a list of jobs for.

The needs assessment and the financial assessment are two separate things. If you’re sure she’ll be a self payer (remember the house doesn’t come into the equation while either of them is living in it, and only half of any joint savings will be considered) you don’t need to do the financial assessment.

My mum used to go 2-3 times a week to a day centre whilst she was still living at home with dementia. It gave us all a break and a bit of respite and it did her good to be amongst people. She'd get a hot meal and tea and cakes. There'd be activities on each day such as bingo, talks and she could get her hair and nails done etc. I found out about these through her social worker one was run by age concern and the other through the council. The last churches often run groups too for the elderly. My mum would get picked up brought home by minibus and there'd be escorts to ensure they were safe.

the alzheimer society are great at providing this type of advice and signposting towards sources of help. My parents had someone coming in weekly through a support service they suggested and also attended a group. Day Centre is another good option.

And what if he doesn't want this? He is still a person with a brain and can make decisions - maybe he would like to choose care in their home? It's not for the family to arbitrarily decide to pack them both off to a home even if it does seem like the sensible thing.

Of course not but in most cases it isn’t really a ‘choice’ more that they don’t want to pay for it or are too set in their ways to give it any real consideration. Which would be fine but then it’s everyone else picking up the pieces when it all goes wrong and they’ve buried their head in the sand.

It really depends on what your dad needs and what your mum will accept- if she’s open to the idea of needing company, then someone sitting with her will be easier. If not, then it might need to be “someone to help with the cleaning/ gardening “ etc, backed up with white lies about the council paying for it if she is likely to object on that basis. Your dad may not be able to go out straight away but need to spend a couple of sessions in an adjoining room so she feels safe, and build up from there

Your father is entitled to a Carer's Assessment to facilitate his caring role. Your local carer support group can advise, it doesn't need to be carried out by Adult SS. This will identify what support he needs. The fb group Mobilise is very helpful.

@Cuppasoupmonster we're currently having this dilemma for my PIL (Age 91, one with dementia). FIL wants them to remain at home, a care home together would cost 3k per week, meaning their house sale proceeds would run out after 20 months, necessitating a move the cheapest home available when their money is gone. No wonder he doesn't see going into a home as an attractive option.

Gosh do many replies. Thank you all so much I will have a good read through and sort
Just to give some sort of assurance. My dad is thankfully both mentally and physically well for his age although inevitably slowing, so please don't think he's on his knees. He would be reluctant to give his life up to go into a care home.
Don't worry I work in care I know some can be great but it's just not how he feels. It might be inevitable and I am going to look at options with mixed care, I just don't think he's quite ready

I also totally understand the concern about how he would feel if something happened to him. My neighbour was terminally ill 3 years ago and always worried about his wife but he still loved being at home before he died so I can see both sides
I will look to the longer term and I hear your thoughts and thank you for sharing
But for now I am just looking for general help. I should have mentioned I got them a cleaner a year ago ( that took 5 years of persuading !). He actually loves gardening but does also get help for bigger issues there.
It's about lifting the strain of slways being there
Thanks all again!

Wanting to hold on Going into a care home means abandoning most of your interests and most of your belongings. Not to mention choice about what you eat, when you sleep etc. Wanting to retain all of those should not be dismissed as “being set in your ways”.

”wanting to hold on” doesn’t belong there! My cat is trying to help

As pp have said, there are lots of options before the need for a care home. Crossroads Care, day centres, meals on wheels or similar meal providers.

Your mum should be disregarded for Council Tax purposes so notify the local council if you haven't already done so, that's a bit more money that can go towards paying a carer.