This feels like quite a sickening situation to me, and it might seem quite weird written down.
About 12 years ago, my parents engaged a cleaner to help after my mum got cancer. I remember my mum was always a bit suspicious of the cleaner, and found her a bit shifty. 10 years ago, my mum passed away from cancer (NHS mistakes :-( ) and the cleaner just stayed on. My Dad’s 13 years older than my mum.
My sister and I tried to support my Dad, both visiting 2ce a week, cooking for him, taking him out on drives. So he hasn’t been neglected, even though we both had busy jobs, our families, and other issues and sadnesses to contend with.
But over the years, my Dad become closer and more emotionally dependent on the cleaner. His mobility began to fail due to arthritis. The cleaner has become more and more of a housekeeper and carer (revising her previous job history quite a bit as she went along). A few bits and pieces went missing from the house, we realised (often belatedly) but nothing we thought very valuable.
It’s been going on for so long, I don’t remember the full timeline clearly. I think by 2016 / 2017 we were definitely suspicious. She represented herself to eg social care teams etc as my Dad’s daughter, or niece, which rang alarm bells. She had a key, and once or twice discovered her coming out the house when she shouldn’t have been there.
My Dad has no social life, beyond my sister and me, and this woman, who starts taking him for coffee every Saturday with her DH and MIL.
In 2018, we searched my Dad’s house when he was out one Saturday and found a letter showing he’d added this cleaner to his savings account. We were shocked, but thought this confirmed all our suspicions, and this situation would end. I contacted the police. By then my Dad was 86, and can only walk with great difficulty, using a zimmer frame, or mobility scooter I try to break the news gently to my father - and it turns out he consented to this! I had to tell the police, who were poised to come and interview the cleaner, to stand down.
Since then things have got worse. My Dad is now chair bound / bed bound with other state-provided carers coming in 6 times a day. Not delusional, but so old and frail he’s not really there (90 now). The cleaner has had his bank card for … I don’t know… 3 or 4 years. We tried to look at statements but she intercepts them and they vanish. I asked her to see them, and she said my Dad didn’t want me to do that. (He backed her up when I spoke to him alone.) He worked until he was 78 (when my mum became ill) and didn’t draw any pension, so it’s about £2900 per month. My sister managed to see a statement this month, about £3200 was coming out.
We feel we can’t step in and tell this woman to off, because basically our Dad loves her, is psychologically dependent on her. She’s also very conscientious and efficient (at what little there is to do for a bedbound man with carers coming in 6 x per day - but there have been issues like dry rot and communal maintenance issues she’s dealt with). In a weird and creepy way she feels like part of the family now.
The money she’s taking is less (we think) than the cost of a care home, and our father would probably be in one by now without her care. But when he was hospital for 3 months she took about £8k.
It’s his money, his life, he’s barely just compos mentis, but entirely emotionally groomed, and the fact she’s hiding statements is an admission of her exploitation. It’s a horrible situation, and it makes us feel ill. Our father has many good qualities, but he’s always been selfish, sexist, and a bit two-faced. Very strong willed. So there’s no arguing with him.
I never meant to write such a huge long post! No one will accuse me of drip feeding! Perspectives welcome, and maybe this post can act as a cautionary tale - do not let a situation like this develop!