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Elderly parents

Resentment when caring for a step-parent, how to move forward?

6 replies

TokyoBouncyBall · 23/01/2023 15:45

The very short version of this story is that I lived in a blended family with my step-mother, step-sister and father and siblings from the age of 8. It was not great - I was the oldest and the scapegoat for everything which was wrong and I don't have many happy memories from then until I left home.

Since then I have had therapy and my father has died. I've got on OK with my stepmother and stayed in contact because she has been a good grandmother to my own children.

But I'm now finding it difficult. My oldest child is now a teenager, and this reminds me of when I was the same age and, frankly, was not cared for very well at all (that I was not raped or attacked given how much I wandered around on my own late at night is nothing short of a miracle, and no one was interested in me whatsoever).

However my step-mother - who has been rewriting history anyway for the last twenty years - has Alzheimers, so no conversation is possible.

It's all complicated by the fact that I know that when she dies most of the money will go to my stepsister.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I find it incredibly hard to pick up the phone or visit, but I know I should. How do I get round this? Should I?

OP posts:
LittleLegoWoman · 23/01/2023 15:48

If she has alzheimers and is now past the point of remembering who you are when you visit, then it doesn’t matter to her if you visit or not.
So visit if it makes you feel better. Don’t visit if it makes you feel worse.

TheProvincialLady · 23/01/2023 15:59

You don’t need to do anything. Just don’t pick up the phone or visit. You stayed in touch with her when a lot of people would have walked away, given her part in your neglect as a teenager. That was good of you but now it causes you pain - so don’t do it. Put yourself first - you are allowed to!

TokyoBouncyBall · 23/01/2023 20:26

She does know who I am, just doesn't really remember how often I have been to stay or when I have phoned recently.

I feel less guilty about her and more about what my siblings think, and also my children, who are very fond of her.

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 23/01/2023 20:29

She has her own children to look after her. Time to step back and concentrate on your family. 💐

Fairyliz · 24/01/2023 17:19

You don’t have to ring or visit her. She wasn’t a good mum to you so why should you be a good daughter to her?

BlisterWives · 27/01/2023 15:58

You don’t have to pick up the phone or visit or if you find yourself feeling guilty see her once a month for an hour or not at all.

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