Not sure how to deal with this?

[Kardelen]

So, I live with my parents who’s in their early 70s. Mainly because they didn’t want us to move out as felt was going to feel lonely. My dh and dc lives and another on the way in a few weeks.

i normally take both parents to appointments and deal with things. During my wedding time they suspected dad had lung cancer so I was going through great difficultly and stress. Luckily it wasn’t, and said it’s a nodule but it’s growing so have to keep an eye on it.

Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer 1.5 years ago and it’s been the hardest time for me. This was right after going through a traumatic birth to DC. It was very stressful as the hospital kept making mistakes with my mums care or was not being very open and still isn’t, which gave me anxiety. I actually spotted mistakes which meant they had to do another mdt, delaying the treatment. I still have anxiety that the cancer is going to return back, as don’t feel like sufficient treatment was given but that’s another story. I am a nurse myself, and was on maternity leave at the time so couldn’t get hold of the doctors I work with very easily. When I did, they also agreed with me that a different treatment
method should have Been used.

dad had stopped smoking. Bare in mind he has COPD and other lung and health conditions. A few months ago I realised he started to smoke again ( or had been but I hadn’t realised). I spoke to him, and now clearly it’s got worse as I can smell the smoke when he enters the house.
he already has appointments for lung checks every few months, and other treatments pending which I would be attending with him for other things like low iron levels, which was already giving me anxiety ( as could mean cancer) and now it’s much worse knowing he is smoking.

Today, I thought let me explain to him again about the effects of cigarettes on the body to try and get him to stop. I even said can try and get other methods to help him stop if he can’t, but he keeps denying smoking. he also started to mock me which made me get really upset and angry, and now have cramping.

I know it’s free will and his choice. But obviously I don’t want to go through what I went through with mum. It was really horrible to go through that giving me anxiety.
Especially with two children now. Also, I know it’s his health but it will affect me too as I will be the one attending to his appointments with him, or caring for him if his condition got worse.

what do I do? Please no heart breaking comments! Genuinely asking for support

Feel for you OP but as you’ve said, it is his choice 😢
All you can do is inform and hope he takes on your advice
As long as he doesn’t smoke in the house, then I don’t think there is anything you can do (&if it is his house and he chooses to do that, then you will have to either respect his wishes and move out)
Generally, I find that the older people become, the more selfish they become 😞

Leave it. Your Dad knows how bad smoking is for him.

It’s just so hard 😞
like I love both to bits, and don’t want them
to be harmed. I’m sure if I was smoking he wouldn’t just ignore it either.
he doesn’t in the house, well at least when we are in the house. But sometimes I can smell it when we come back, but as usual he denies.

Please please show him my message. I spent 4 years nursing my mother while she suffered from COPD. Screaming she could not breath during the night, paramedics here giving her oxygen. It is awful.

The thing is, if j do leave it and his condition deteriorates, I will be the one taking him hospital or caring for him. Don’t have a heart not to, and i know how stressful it can get from previous experiences and seeing other patients.

I’m so sorry 😔
I told him exactly this. I have seen it plenty of times having worked on a respiratory ward sadly. The life choices don’t only affect them but affects us.
I can’t go a night in peace without checking if he’s breathing okay as his breathing gets worse at night. Can’t even go on holidays or live my life due to the fear. It’s like having another child.

Has he tried vaping? If the very real scare of lung cancer hadn't put him off smoking nothing will on all probability. Maybe look at moving out so you're not faced with it every day, and you can concentrate more on your own little family?

Unfortunately it’s his choice & he will never stop (the habit is too ingrained).

My own father was a smoker and died of lung cancer in his early 70’s. It’s a terrible disease and way to die.

Everybody knows the effects of smoking. Some people choose to continue the disgusting habit. Unfortunately, that’s their choice and they have to live with the consequences.

I did tell him about vape, but he keeps saying he doesn’t smoke- despite me seeing with my own eyes.
should I just buy the vape?
i would want to move out but then the guilt of it all would be mad. During covid we moved out for 2 months as my and dh both work in hospital and wanted to
keep them safe. But, every single day mum
was crying, being stressed out and feeling lonely. Now that she also has breast cancer feel guilty of making her go
through thay. She’s also scared to be alone with him as at night is the time where his breathing gets bad mostly.

I’m so sorry to hear 😞

Ofcouse all of us will die one day and we don’t know how, what’s waiting for us, but this is basically self inducing. Everytime I mention this he says how there’s other people having cancers and they never smoked in their lives etc. it’s just so hard to get the message across and so frustrating. If he understands and says, yes I know it’s bad, I’m taking the responsibility I’d say fine. But the fact that he doesn’t perceive that it could happen to him just makes me frustrated.