Feel so guilty for not wanting to be chief carer

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DF lives alone and is in remission after extensive cancer treatment (70's)

Since his treatment he's had all sorts of ongoing health issues and is a shadow of the man he was. He's understandably miserable all the time on top of this which can be a real mental drain on us and he refuses to get any help with his mental health.

I do all I can to help in terms of cooking meals for him (he can cook but I batch cook so he gets more variety) help him out with appointments/paperwork, shopping if he isn't well enough to do it etc.

He's in hospital again with another infection and I think he will need to stay with me when he comes out to recuperate (they never keep him in until he's actually better!) but I'm absolutely dreading it for a variety of reasons. I then feel massively guilty for not wanting to look after him.

I have siblings but they don't have the space for him and his own place isn't big enough for us to take turns being there with him. I often feel he doesn't want to carry on living like this, I know he hates feeling so weak and hopeless and I feel myself thinking I hope he doesn't carry on like this for years, in and out of hospital.

I don't know what I'm asking really but my mind is in turmoil knowing he needs care and me not wanting to do it😞

Speak to the hospital social worker and ask for him to be discharged to a respite placement/ discharge to assess bed (or whatever they call it in your area).

It may still not happen but you can ask. Emphasise that he is unsafe at home and you can't have him.

I didn't know that was a thing, I'll look into it but I'm not convinced he would be considered bad enough to qualify for that.

When he came out of hospital last time he was still able to walk, go to the toilet himself etc. It's just that he can't be bothered to feed himself properly, and doesn't really take care of himself (I think a lot of it is down to mental health as much as anything)

Tell the hospital there is no-one to look after him when he is discharged (also make sure he doesn’t tell them he is coming to stay with you). My MIL was surprised her relative was discharged from hospital one time without a care package when still needing lots of help. Turned out the relative had told the hospital she didn’t need carers as her family would be looking after. All local family still worked so it was a nightmare for them. Next time she was discharged from hospital a relative accompanied her and made it clear to the discharge team that she needed a care package

Could you ask the hospital to get a mental health check on him whilst he is in hospital. Also ask for a care package to sorted out, maybe a carer to come in to make sure he’s eating. Or failing this would he consider paying someone to come in each day till he gets stronger, just to make his meal and help him where he needs it the most.

I agree with pp that you should set up care at home for his discharge. His care needs are likely to increase with time and the care can adapt to meet these. You can then visit and support as his daughter not his carer.

If it helps, try and think of it as getting professional help to support him. Some ( not all) elderly people can find it difficult and demeaning to accept personal care off a relative and be accordingly short tempered and cantankerous! It may help your relationship to get care help.

If all his needs will be met by you on discharge then no services will be offered - he doesn't need them because he's got you. If you lived on Mars what services would he need to buy in? Food, cleaning, maybe a few weeks in respite care? If he gets those from someone other than you then it leaves you more time to do the daughter stuff like appointments and paperwork.

There comes a time when it's next to impossible for one person to do all the support and have a life of their own, this might be the time.

there are many different types of services for adults. Contact the social worker at the hospital or the duty social worker for adult services within your local council.

They can suggest
anything from befriending to frequent carers, lunch clubs, suggest ways he can help himself with mental health support on leaving hospital.

He may also be able to take advantage of the STIT team (short term intervention team who are free carers for 6 weeks and help restore independence and confidence. This service is for elderly or ill patients who would not be safe at home without some help on being discharged.

he may be shiutable for either the rehab programme in a care home for 8 to 10 weeks (focusing on physiotherapy, occupational therapy such as cooking food and general light house work, and uilding confidence to go out into the community once more). This is also a free service.

Many find it hlstheir parents live around and make themess dependant on their adult children leaving that time to enjoy each other's company rather than rush around sorting out all their prescriptions bills paperwork doctors appointments etc.

There is so much out there to help it's just sad that nobody tells us about it when our parents are in hospital or when they are struggling badly, or indeed when we are struggling badly. I hope you find support you need

There is no doubt that if the hospital ask him if he has somewhere to go, he will say yes! I don't even know how to have the conversation "sorry DF, but having you stay here does a number on my mental health and I just can't do it"

I was recently ( well, in the past year) surprised to learn that UNLIKE the hospital nurses, the social care people definitely agreed my father could no longer live aline, not because his dementia was far advanced but just because QED he had ended up in A& E for times in 12 months.

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