Incontinent parent won’t wear pads

[MiserableOldHag]

Elderly parent who lives with me suffers from dementia and incontinence (frequent urinary and sometimes fecal).

Because of the dementia, they do not know they are incontinent and won’t wear a pad. They get aggressive and upset when I suggest pads. Each time it happens, they are convinced it is a one-off.

The resultant mess is frequent and substantial. The washing machine is always on. I’m constantly having to replace underwear/trousers/bedding. The house smells awful. I have found pieces of poo on the floor on multiple occasions. I don’t even want to think about the carpet.

I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any experience of this or advice? Thank you.

Are you able just to get the pads that are like regular underwear? We used to get them for my grandad, just replaced all of the underwear in his drawer with them (they were blue and almost boxer style looking) and he just thought they were his normal underwear - rather than the white pads you can get. It's horrible isn't it, so distressing for you and them x

I have no experience, it sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. Would it be possible to switch out their underwear for incontinence pants? I'm sure I've seen tena disposable pants like normal underwear.

Agree go for the underwear, also the disposable bed sheets. Maybe go to their nurse and ask for a referral to the incontinence specialist and book a carpet cleaner. Use throws on sofas. Think you might be able to get incontinence pj's but not sure

Do you think it might be time for your parent to go into a nursing home, OP? That's a terrible way for you to live.

Changing incontinence underwear can be really grim. I had to do it for a relative but it wasn’t fun, to say the least! But it’s better than shit on the floor….

Thanks, I’ll have another look at incontinent underwear

OP, you can no longer cope having your parent stay with you. It's time.

I;m sorry to hear this. Must be draining for you. My mum has the beginnings of dementia but nothing serious yet. Surely your parent is going to have to go into a home? Or would they not agree to that? Can you insist on them wearing the inco pads? As in, actually check when they've got dressed- is that too embarassing for them? Presumably they'd not notice once they're on. I'm sorry OP, I'm no use at all. I hope you get some useful advice.

Regular pants/pull up pants that are specifically for incontinence.
AgeUK has lots, it's a very common issue.

It is really hard OP, take care of yourself too X

The tena branded underwear is great, and often easier to clean up as you can tear way the sides. If patients bring in their own i will use these every time over the traditional pad and wrap arounds. They are much more dignified especially with dementia patients who may not have the full understanding. You can often still get these on prescription if ness under the incontinence team too.

One of my elderly relatives won't use pads or disposable underwear as doesn't like the feel. Modibody and cheeky wipes do fabric incontinence pants which are more absorbent than period pants.

Modibodi do pants, and longer shorts for pjs.
Would a bidet toilet seat help? You’d still have to wipe a poo but rinse and blow dry are automatic. Expensive but might save both your sanity.
A carpet washing hoover will save your sanity.
Cinnamon is a good neutralising smell, or one of those essential oil diffusers and choose whatever you like.

Please don't be offended by this but when my dog had bladder issues and my couch cushions were reportedly affected I found that buying a large waterproof cotton feel bed sheet worked a treat as a cover. I just put a throw blanket over it . I also had success with taping puppy pads ( you can buy washable ones from Amazon) to the charts etc worked well too.

Modibodi have reusable incontinence pants. Can buy in supermarket here in Australia. I am sure there is something similar where you are.
Either that, or Tena or Depend have disposable underwear. ( both men and women).

Modibodi maxi are good, I got them for dsd who is ld. But speak to social services too, it's time you get help, how about respite

Please look into the respite care suggestion. My parents have both passed now, DF had dementia and loathed wearing the pads, he felt he had lost all dignity. DM looked after him for several years, but ended up really worn down, social services did help with the respite care. Eventually Df had to go into a home, it wasn't great, but dm couldn't carry on even with nursing help.

I was also going to suggest cheeky wipes. They do washable incontinence underwear so although thicker than normal underwear are regular fabric. We have washable sheets designed for toddlers still night training that have flaps on so held in place by the weight of the mattress. We don't have a dryer but can usually have it washed and dry before bedtime.aggressive. I'm sure you can get seat pad type things as well that can just be washed rather than having to take the sofa apart. Perhaps disguise it with a throw so they don't notice the pad and then you have a double layer over and chairs/sofas

• you can get the sheets without flaps but they might not stay in place as well if your relative is becoming aggressive

I'm really sorry to hear this, time to consider a nursing home? It was for us with my mums
Mum.

Thanks for the suggestions all, will look into them. No to home though x

You have to be the adult here, your parent has dementia. Just insist they wear something like these: www.incontinencechoice.co.uk/tena-pants-maxi-large-2500ml-10-pack.html?gclid=CjwKCAiAqt-dBhBcEiwATw-ggOd0fA2wVO0b2H6VVY3WpuVC7CbgHUQZMbNGiZ-IDH7gu83SBnVl3xoCXvoQAvD_BwE

Dcbc what if they just take them off again!

I put disposable dry night pads on the sofa with an easily washable throw over them, if that would help at all. Leatherette armchair too?

I would ask your relatives GP for a referral to the incontinence nurses if you haven't already got one.

Is there a point at which you would consider a home, even if this isn't it? I hope you wouldn't rule it out completely for both your sakes.

Your DM wouldn't want this life for you OP. Pre dementia. Surely she wouldn't choose to put you through this?

I would definitely try the pull-up style pads as they may feel more comfortable and slightly more like normal underwear. And the plus is you can rip them at the sides to get them off if there is any mess.

I have so much respect for you OP. I work with elderly people with dementia and can appreciate how full-on it is caring for someone at home.

Op I feel your pain, very difficult to manage . I second the use of disposable "incontinence underwear". Also I use washable waterproof cushioned seat pads that I put on the sofa where they sit , I was able to get in beige which sort of matched the sofa, saved having to remove sofa covers and try to rinse out sofa stuffing , now I also have an exercise mat £4:99 from Aldi which I cut to the shape of my sofa cushions and have them inserted underneath the covers for " occasional overspill".
Pooh is a harder one , lucky doesn't happen too often , but I try and stick to a time routine for meals and give the a couple of liquorice all sorts after breakfast - seems to make them need to go at the same time each day , and I kind of just say right everyone use the toilet before we go out and most of the time that works . Also always have a waterproof sheet on the bed and if I'm organised two - that way I can whip one off if there is an accident. In the latter stages of dementia , when they would get up in the middle of the night but instead of going to loo would wee in the corner of the room - I used a pressure pad which rang an alarm if they got out of bed - it's quite tiring but usually I could get ther and direct them to the toilet in time. Better than carpet cleaning.
I will have my special needs sister to live with me sometime in future and I plan on putting la I ate flirting in her bedroom for ease of cleaning. Good luck OP you're doing a lovely thing living with one in so much need , remember if it gets too much for you emotionally or physically , there's no shame is saying you can't do it anymore. Hard to do, but you can't look after someone else without looking after yourself first .