FiL stuck in hospital being rejected by Care Homes. Not sure what to do next.

[Lottsbiffandsmudge]

FIL (lives 5 hours from us with frail older wife (not MIL)) was admitted to hospital after collapsing at home in early Nov. Diagnosed with pneumonia. Admitted to a respiratory ward. Pneumonia sorter after c 2 weeks. Back to being physically OK albeit with chronic controlled heart issues.
During lockdowns his mental health starred to decline. Taken over 2 years (due to covid suspension of services and then waiting times) and he still does not have a formal diagnosis but he clearly had dementia of some sort.
His hospital stay and the infection have made it so much worse. Post infection delirium was a possibility but its now been 6 weeks since the infection cleared up and he is not improving.
He is apparently aggressive, behaves in a sexualized way, is racist and wanders. Although my DH who has spent multiple short stays up there has only witnessed the wandering and some frustration.
He has a Deprivation of Liberty order in place abd the hospital will not release him home.
So far he has been turned down by 3 EMI care homes. They had room but thought he would not be a 'good fit'.
We have MP involved and have contacted behead if social services and the hospital Trust ceo.
He is still in hospital. He has no stimulation or care to speak of except for visits for 2 hours a day on the days his wife can get in or BIL can. His behaviour as a result is getting worse. He does not even have outside space.
It's been 2 months and we seem to have made no progress.
We are at a loss. Has anyone been in this position? The hospital will not allow discharge to home, even if his wife wanted to try which she does.

Sadly i had similar with my mum. Hospital is the worst place for people with declining cognition to be as they are left on their own for hours at a time.

If a dols order has been made it sounds like he is quite bad but hospital can def cause a worse presentation. My mum was terrible in hospital but generally placid at home.

My dad had to write to the chief exec of the hospital to get my mum home. We were a slightly different situation in that no dols had been made and we didnt want a care home but the hospital and social services were def dragging their feet and had reservations about her return home.

My mum came home in the end until she died 2 years later with several hospital stays but we never had the struggle to get her out again. It might not be right for your family but my 80 plus year old disabled dad kept my mum at home. It was the right thing for our family but i think it is discounted as being an option by many families when it can be the best option. Getting the right care package is key and we fought to get sufficent and appropriate care in place. My dad was physically unable to assist with any personal care or even feeding her.

Ah sorry just read your update. Sorry your family are going through this. What a shambles that no family were called to be there.

Sounds like a good outcome if a very rough process.

My mum had similar issues but the ward basically lied to get her out - or at least described her at her most benign moment. Because to the casual eye she looked like a lovely rather youthful elderly lady having a cup of tea and chatting, the first nursing home she went to took their eye off the ball and accepted her. Chaos ensued within 24 hours of discharge. Three weeks of hell and distress later she went to a specialist unit for challenging behaviour where she's been ever since. It's a long way away but I've never stopped being relieved she is there. I hope this means the middleman will be missed out and he'll only have to settle once.

How did the DoL get put in place so quickly? Before covid, my grandmothers one took more than 9 months to put in place. By the time it was agreed there were only 2 months left on it!

Rather than a care home I think you might need to be looking at a nursing home, especially one that specialises in dementia. If he wants to be together with hs partner, that massively narrows the fiel but you might get lucky as a nursing hme will sometimes accept a couple where only one requires nursing care, knowing that the partner will take some of the burden of minute by minute care.

For very different reasons we hit a wall getting my DF acceptedinto a care home but eventually a nursing home took him.

Unfortunately families often don't realise how difficult it is managing this type of behaviour. Over the years I've looked after hundreds of patients who had similar issues. My ward did have a garden but it's finding time and staff which I'm sure you're aware is very thin on the ground atm! Some care homes won't accept people who are aggressive etc, even Dementia specialist homes. It's a case of waiting to find the right place I'm afraid.

similar experience with dm first care home we really liked and waited four months for wouldnt take her after assessing her
She isnt violent ever but is in the later stages of dementia and cries out a lot and was losing her speech and mobility
She is self funding yet still they refused her think they were looking for an easy patient and this was a dementia care home!!
luckily a different home took her not so posh but a whole lot more caring that's for sure

I am sorry you are going through this OP and to all of you who have had similar experiences. My
Dm has been in a psychiatric hospital since last Autumn and it’s proving very difficult to find a suitable home for her.
I’ve ruled out all the ‘posher’ ones, well they’ve ruled her out I’m waiting to hear back from
my DM’s social worker and the placement officer to find out what’s next.

why do the posher ones pick and choose who they want surely money is money and what happens when the people they cherry pick eventually and inevitably sadly get to the stage of severe dementia ie doubly incontinent unable to walk understand limited speech wtc do they just chuck them out then and pick someone at the beginning of their journey.
I dont get it I shudder to think really

Where I live the more expensive homes are around £1850 per week, I guess the residents and their families are paying for a ‘nicer’ experience and don’t want to live with a verbally or physically aggressive person.

I think when they're at that stage, residents are easier to manage than the ones who are looking for a place during a more combative phase. Though personally I've been surprised by the number of 'specialist dementia' places that have turned down MIL. I never thought she'd be easy. I didn't imagine it would be this hard to get her out of hospital at all.

A DoLS doesn't take long to get, it can be 24 hours in hospital

We had the same with DF. No care home would look at him because he had lashed out at staff (before this he was the gentlest old man). He was in hospital for 6 months, deteriorating every day. Eventually he got lucky " "clicked" with a lady who came to assess him. We got NHS funding for him because his needs were so great by that stage.

We had the same with DF. No care home would look at him because he had lashed out at staff (before this he was the gentlest old man). He was in hospital for 6 months, deteriorating every day. Eventually he got lucky " "clicked" with a lady who came to assess him. We got NHS funding for him because his needs were so great by that stage.

We had the same with DF. No care home would look at him because he had lashed out at staff (before this he was the gentlest old man). He was in hospital for 6 months, deteriorating every day. Eventually he got lucky & "clicked" with a lady who came to assess him. We got NHS funding for him because his needs were so great by that stage. The week before his admission he was driving, socialising, planning holidays. By the time he got to the home he couldn't walk, was doubly incontinent & could barely feed himself. It was awful.

my mum is very gentle never been violent ever so far yet posh care home still refused her. The reality is she is virtually immobile and sits there all day and sleeps all night through she is doubly incontinent and cries out at times
o dont get it but it made me very cross I just think perhaps it was too mich to cope with as she is in the latter stages of dementia.
Then what an earth are dementia care homes for. I didnt realise some especially the posher ones can pick and choose doesnt seem right to me
I was really shocked when after waiting 4 months they assessed her and said they couldnt take her

To add insult to injury my mum is self funded and they still wouldnt take her