Had enough of DM

[Katfob]

I have had enough of my DM bad behaviour and feel awful. Had my mum for Xmas most years and every year I dread how she will spoil it. My two sisters and brother don’t invite her and she always seems disappointed to be here with me and my family. This year she stayed for an extended time and excelled herself upsetting my youngest son by humiliating him in front of people we had over, spouting racist nonsense in front of my guests carrying on even when asked to stop , criticising my food, complaining when I tidied up, giving a gift to someone in front of me that I gave her last year and I could go on. At no point did she say thank you or that was lovely. She is old now but it’s always the same. I am the one who helps her the most and I have taken in caring responsibilities for someone she should really be looking after and I am just exhausted with it all. My husband says he hates they way she treats me as I get upset every year. I don’t want to go through this again. So my question is how do I make sure this doesn’t happen again? I want my Xmas back! But I feel guilty for how I feel.

Either tell her very clearly how you feel about her behaviour or speak to your siblings. I would say to your siblings that Xmas will need to be shared and that you will not be doing next year. I would also be putting a stop to extended stays.

Tell her clearly why, and stop inviting her. Her feelings are not more important than your or your children's.
If you feel guilty tell your siblings that between you all you must provide her with a dinner that is delivered there but that is it.
Even elderly parents have to accept that their behaviour has consequences.

Thank you for this. I really know what I need to do but just wanted someone neutral to check it wasn’t in my head. My siblings won’t budge usually because they know I will be there for her. Not next year though and I will make it clear.

It's really not difficult. Low contact. No invites. Sorted.

The easiest way to get out of it is to actually go away next year and tell people well in advance, after you have booked the tickets.

We rotate xmas she hard work lol. Op someone else takes her this year fair is fair. Low contact. Its very draining feel for you.

Just don’t invite her. If she asks why not say you are not invited after you behaviour last year.

Have a family meeting with your siblings. The care of your mum needs to be shared equally, or financial contributions should be made to you to enable you to, for eg, get a cleaner, so you have the time to devote to caring duties. Christmas visits need to be rotated.

Tell your siblings and your mother that you won't be hosting her next year. Do it now. If she complains say "well it is clear you don't enjoy it. No I won't be changing my mind" same with your siblings. and then stick to it. Say no I will not have her in my home for xmas. If she is alone, so what? She made her own bed. Tell your dh is it to help you not back down.

Do you really think you should ruin your, your dh's and your child's christmas for an ungrateful miserable woman?

I'm not saying this because I want to defend her I'm saying it because I want to try and understand why people are like this, I think she probably can't help it she's too stuck in her ways and her thought patterns to change.
That doesn't make it right and you should do everything you can to protect yourself from her and mitigate the effect of her behaviour, I repeat you MUST put your own well-being first but I find it helpful to consider that these old leopards cannot change their spots.

I sympathise. My daughter and I rotate Christmas dinner. This year was my daughter's turn and mum cancelled two days before, claiming she wasn't well. My son in law kindly drove over with their meal and my brother, who lives with mum, complained there were no reheating instructions. I had mum, brother,aunt and uncle for New Year's Day dinner. Mum had so many complaints, none of which were warranted. I laughed as they were so ludicrous. She's been a complete pain since, going back to bed when she knows I'm visiting. I have stepped right back and haven't visited her for two weeks and I refuse to feel guilty. Its my turn Christmas 23 and I'll invite her and my brother but I doubt if she'll come. She will be 89 this year so I'm happy to offer to host knowing that her time is very limited. In addition I've detached from the nonsense. When she dies, toxic brother can fend for himself. He's a whole therapy session on its own

This!!

You can do what your siblings do and decide not to invite her.

You cannot decide that one of them will have her instead. They will have their reasons for not inviting her, and they do not have to change their mind just because she will be alone. They may offer. They may not.

My dad thumped (not smacked) me as a child. He was not invited to my house... ever. My sister would have been told where to go if she said I had to have him. My response would have been "No I don't, and neither do you"

It often strikes me on these threads that the worst part of the abuse parents like OPs mum mete out to their children, is the lifelong affliction with guilt for not wanting to put up with more abuse, guilt so strong that remarkably, grown adults still endure the abuse, in order to avoid feeling that guilt.

That guilt was put there like and awful alien parasite to live inside the child's body as they grow up, distorting that child's behaviour to appease the abuser for ever, even when the child is 40 and the mum 70.... Why else would children of abusive parents put up with behaviour that the rest of us would not tolerate for a second? Imagine if our parents suddenly started insulting us and making ridiculous demands??

OP, your mum planted a 'sleeper cell' of guilt in you when you were a child. But it's and alien, a parasite, and is harming you (and your child), as your husband can see. Get his support and get that guilt removed. It is poisoning your life.

Thank you for all your comments. I have really stepped back this past few weeks and feel so much better. I am still talking to DM but haven’t visited and I am clear we won’t be having her for Christmas next year. Time will tell what my siblings do. I love the comment about the alien parasite. I am not remotely like this in any other relationship only with DM. Sometimes you need to reach the end of your patience before you realise you shouldn’t need that much patience with someone who is supposed to love you.